v8vachon Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I am getting ready to marry this great guy. Been together for 1 1/2 yr, he has done absolutely nothing to make me doubt his love. Yet I do not trust him. I've had a horrible first marriage, was very dependent emotionnally and he was abusive. It ended with him having an affair. I blame my trust and insecurities on my past.. but how long can i do that? I do it to myself, i torture myself with thoughts of another woman in his life. Every time his phone rings, every time he's late, every time he goes somewhere.. i doubt the sincerity of his word. Please help me.. i feel like my marriage is not gonna work because of me and i do not want failure this second time around. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Talk things through with him... If he's a nice guy then he will find a solution to keep you peace at mind. Also, have you done anything about your past abuse, and your trust issues? Maybe you should sort that out before you marry? Link to comment
DaDancingPsych Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Talk things through with him... If he's a nice guy then he will find a solution to keep you peace at mind. Also, have you done anything about your past abuse, and your trust issues? Maybe you should sort that out before you marry? Great advice! I agree, you need to be honest with him so that he understands your feelings. Also working past these previous issues will only strengthen your future marriage. Link to comment
v8vachon Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 i sought conseling for my insecurities and i really feel as though i have come a long way, it's been 6 years since my divorce and i just cant seem to totally shake it off.. is THIS what i have become? forever? i want to marry him and i want to trust him.. what can i do to stop my mind from wandering so much. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Not unless you let it. If you dwel on it then it just stays. If you take on board and try more to understand things then you can turn things around, and make your life better. I'm just over coming abuse, and I'm trying to make things better for me in the long run, ok I'm only younge, but it has also effected my trust for others. Keep thinking I can make it better, then you should be able to make it better. Also remember talking to the person is the best way to seak advise, he'll know better what to say and how to help you! Link to comment
DaDancingPsych Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I don't think that is a "forever" issue for you. You're taking the right steps, good for you! I think if you explain to your finance of your issues that he can help with your insecurities and can help reassure you. I think with time, your trust will only grow! But it is going to take time! Link to comment
blender Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 "let go" and trust that you are powerless over your feelings of insecurity, surrender to them and say to yourself, "this is about ME, not him, this is a bad habit of emotional distrust and I need to let go and give this man the respect and trust that I want from him towards me". There are no pefect flawless marriages, and for now the good news is, YOU are aware of where these feelings in you are coming from, they are from the past... and it's okay to learn from your experience but try not to "let these thoughts control you"... they are just "feelings" and it's okay to "feel them" but address them immediately, go through the whole thought in your head, "he's late, he hasn't called, I'm feeling old feelings regarding this, breathe, he's a DIFFERENT man than my last husband, and so I should be DIFFERENT too, and learn to trust him, if there comes a day where I feel that he has actually done something to deserve this "doubt" then and ONLY then will I "re-act" and directly ask him to reassure me: he will understand me, if I take the time to understand myself, this is love, and I"m so grateful I found him, and I will give this the respectful opportunity to grow into a trusting, loyal, and joyful marriage.. I'm proud of myself for letting go of the past, learning from it, and embracing a new way of love with this wonderful man who deserves my trust. 1 Link to comment
v8vachon Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 thank you dancing.. i want to be more secure.. i'm afraid to give everything and end up alone, marriage is a risk, and taking that risk again has woken up some skeletons in my heart that i thought were gone. I know that i do this to myself and i hate it. The smallest detail makes me think of the worse scenarios. I will discuss these issues again tonite. Thank You Blender.. it's about letting go isnt it? i must let go of these thoughts when they arise. I think i have done better with time.. but i struggle with the enemy still and it's like taking 10 steps forward and 9 steps back. It's a constant battle emotionnally. Letting go is a great tip.. thank you Link to comment
blender Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 It's not easy to let go of a wound, you have been scared, and it's okay, it's a very difficult thing to let go of this type of injustice, it really is. You're doing great, the fact that you are this AWARE of it, is a sign of your own personal growth, be proud of yourself for loving again and giving your heart a chance to be trusting... you're amazing, remember that. And your new guy will admire your willingness to recognize your own issues and address them with respect and openness.. this will set you free... Link to comment
jackknive Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 What about going to counciling? You could even have him go with you a few times, be able to talk out your feelings and get a professional opinion about how to keep this from effecting this with your current love. I would seriously talk with him though. If he is mr right, then he will understand and help you feel secure in his love and trust him. My bf now, got into a really bad relationship several years back with this girl, she cheated and hurt him and just a ton of stuff, but he has the same issue, scared to trust me now, afraid its going to be the same. It will just take a lil patients and a lot of love on your guys side, and he will have no problem doing little extra things to set your mind at ease Link to comment
v8vachon Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 i understand and u all have mentionned great points, I think counseling helps but only half way, we have to go the rest of the way to really make the change. and counseling has given me tools, i just have times when i choose not to use the tools and just be insecure just because i can. I think the wedding has brought out those insecurities all over again and he trully doesnt deserve it. Link to comment
Meow18 Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 The others have given great advice already. This is not something that you will deal with forever. Not if you don't allow it. If he's really giving you no reason to doubt him, then it is all in your head. And it's in your head because it has happened to you before, so you aren't crazy for feeling the way you do. It's completely normal to be scared of being hurt again. Unfortunately though, you are making your fiance pay for something that another guy did to you, and he's not going to be able to take the blame forever. Nor should he have to. You need to separate your ex from your current boyfriend. They are not the same people. Your ex did not sound like a great boyfriend at all, while you know your guy now really loves and cares about you. I think that your past relationship has lead to your insecurities. I mean, the guy was abusive! That does so much harm and brings down your feeling of self worth. Are you currently in therapy? I would suggest going back because you need to build your self esteem.. and because you were abused, it might be more than something you can do on your own. Link to comment
blender Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Of course the wedding has brought out these old insecurities, that's normal. No he doesn't deserve this distrust, and niether do YOU. Breathe, relax, have gratitude that you have found someone who loves you and who you love... let go.. trust fate, and know that no matter what happens you have the strength, maturity, wisdom and life experience to face it all with pride, courage, love, and understanding. this is a NEW beginning.. Link to comment
dogheadma Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 It sounds like therapy would be the best way right now for you to stay on track and help build the strength you need to banish these negative thoughts forever. You're doing great! Keep it up! Link to comment
v8vachon Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 i have to run, but i want to say thank you to all of you who took the time to read and respond. This alone was very therapeutic for me. Again thank you with all my heart. Link to comment
freedom Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 i dont think it is your husband to be responsibility to solve this problem for you. If he stated catering for your insecurities you will back into the same place you were with our ex-relationship. THis is a ste that you have to take on your own. I cant say it is an easy step, but it is your decision and your choice. You have accept the risk, and if you cnt you had better let the relaitonsip go as you are not ready for it. remember marriage is a risk, Nothing is guarentied, it my work o it may not, but without the risk you cannot reap the beauty of true love. You have to decide to give it and take the risk. As i said you cannot ask your husand to help you give your trust to him. It doesnt work. 1 Link to comment
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