Are our lifestyles too different?

[Wu]

I have been together with my girlfriend for about a year now, and it has become clear that our attitudes towards life are very different.

She smokes, is a bit overweight, often eats fat/unhealthy food and never exercises. I am the complete opposite. She feels that life should be enjoyed to the fullest and that you shouldn't worry about the future. I however think that you can try to be healthy while still enjoying life.

I know that she will probably die prematurely, which worries me alot; I want to grow old with her!

Also I can't understand that she doesn't make an honest effort to quit smoking. If she really loves me, I think she should at least be able to do it for me, because she knows how I feel.

Still, I know that it is her life and that she should be allowed to choose by herself how she want to live.

I love her more than I ever thought possible, but I don't know if I can stand the pain I feel every time she lights a cigarette.

I don't want to leave her, but I can't go on like this. Are our attitudes towards life too different? Perhaps the problem is all mine, and I should see a psychiatrist?

[Annoyed And Bitter]

You have every right to your feelings. However, this sword cuts both ways, dear...

 

"If she loves me she should quit for me"? Getting all uptight about her weight? What is that? One could also say "If you love her, you will accept her as she is"... Look, you knew what she was when you started seeing her, and you certinly knew LONG before now even if you didn't at the start.

 

This is soley your problem. YOU are the one who is unhappy here, not her. A person has every right to smoke, eat, and drink as much as they want to, whenever they want to. (Can you tell that I am the same type your girlfriend is?)

 

Honestly, here is my advice, with no prejudices whatsoever...

 

You only have two choices, accept her as she is and love her despite her faults or let the relationship go... She won't (and by the way CAN'T) quit anything "for you". She has to want to and it doesn't seem that she does. Either way, get off her back about who she is... She is happy with herself, but she may not be happy with YOU if you keep it up!

[Wu]

I think you misunderstand me. I don't mind her weight. I do love her the way she is and it is true that she was like this when I met her. I agree that it is her choice and I don't want to force her to change, but I want us to have a long life together. I want to be 90 years old with her. I want our time together to be as long as possible.

Of course it is basically my problem. I don't know how to handle my worries about her. I love her and I am definitely not constantly bothering her about her habits. I guess I am disappointed that she does not share my wish for a long life together.

I certainly don't demand for her to change. I simply do not know how to handle the situation.

If I am going to spend the rest of my, or more likely her, life with a lump in my chest because I worry about my dearests health, then that will be terrible. Perhaps I have to accept that I might only be with her for 20 years to come instead of 60.

I don't expect her to do anything I ask of her. It just puzzles me that she will knowingly do something that is harmful for her, in addition to making me feel bad. It is, for me, strange that that can not be a reason good enough for quitting smoking. I really do not think it is a big sacrifice to make for someone you care about.

 

Anyway, I am not sure what kind of advice I expected. Thank you for your time.

[faeriechyld]

While I feel annoyed and bitter was a bit harsh, I do agree with their point. The only thing you can do is inform your girlfriend of your worries. Now, by this I do not mean, constantly tell her she's gaining weight or anything like that. Focus more on the smoking issue. When she lights up a cigarette, walk away. Eventually she will ask why you leave and you should say something like "I can't stand seeing you hurt yourself like that." Or you could even sit down and discuss your feelings with her in a mature and nonjudgemental way. Like I said, be very careful of the weight issue.

Even after informing her of your worries, she may continue to live the way she lives. Her feelings towards life are her feelings and as annoyed and bitter said, you have to accept that or let her find someone who will. As for growing old with her, you do not know what the future brings. You are basing your worries on statistics and I understand why you are doing that. But instead of worrying that she may die tomorrow because of her habits, enjoy what you have now.

All in all, you need to realize everyone has their faults and you have to decide what faults you can and cannot live with. Perhaps this girl is not the one you should spend the rest of your life with, perhaps she is. That is something you need to decide. Best wishes.

[KennyB]

So you're afraid to love her because you'll think she'll die and leave you all alone? I know that feeling and I was faced with a similar if not more severe situation. I fell in love with an older woman who is a very heavy smoker- three packs a day.

 

I'm 24 and she's 51. We've been married for two years. I knew what she was when I fell in love with her but that still didn't stop me from worrying about it. A part of me actually thought I could change her. Interestingly enough it was my mother who turned me around. My mom didn't approve of the relationship at first but when she realized I genuinely loved her, she began to support us as a couple.

 

My mom is a heavy smoker too and she gave me a good lecture about addiction. I won't get into it but I came away with a lot more understanding and respect for smokers. My mom made it clear to me that if I truly loved my wife I would love every thing about her and not just the "good" parts.

 

My wife has been a smoker for over 40 years so it's a huge part of her life and consequently my life. I can't make her stop and I can't escape her addiction unless I want to escape her-, which I don't.

 

I have become a supportive and an active participant in her addiction. You say you hate to see it when your wife lights up. I light my wife's cigarettes for her. I get up out of bed to buy them for her when she runs out. Before we leave the house, I remind her to bring her cigarettes. I always request the smoking section when we eat out. If we visit non-smokers I step out side with her while she has a cigarette. I tell her she's beautiful when she smokes and I kiss her as much as possible. Because I love her and I'm not going to have her forever but for as long as I have her I'm going to do every thing I can to make our life together as wonderful and special as possible.