What the heck am I supposed to do?

[ekloot]

I'll try to keep this story as short as possible. This past Saturday my girlfriend of 2.5 years came over to my place and said she thinks we need to break up. She said she still loves me so much and absolutely swears there is no other guy involved and she's not even slightly interested in something like that. She's almost 22 and I turned 28 a couple months ago but its never really been an issue (especially since my maturity level is probably closer to her age). But she said that with Nursing school, her Nursing Assistant job, and her troubles with living with her family...she's incredibly stressed out and feels like she's going to have a nervous breakdown. So she thinks she can't deal with a relationship right now. Its only been a few days since that...and we've already talked twice. I initiated the contact once and she did the second time. She says she is absolutely miserable and that she's now debating whether she made a mistake by breaking up. She even called off work at the hospital one of the days because she was so depressed (and she never ever calls off work). So now she says she needs to think about things for a few more days and sort out her feelings about everything. And I'm kind of left hanging in standby mode which is really painful because I love her so much...but I told her I was completely willing to just be patient and be there for her if she needs me. I know she said she'd only leave me hanging for just a few days...but even after that if she wants to get back together, is she going to do this all over again in like a month? And is there anything I should be doing to reassure her that keeping the relationship is a good thing in her life? This has been a very very good relationship for both of us and its probably one of the only stable things in her life right now. Has anyone else had any similar experiences?

[psu11]

hey ekloot,

 

i understand what shes going through, im also in nursing school while holding a job at a hospital as well. shes right, it can get incredibly stressful. it sounds like she has a lot of personal issues she is working through at this time rather then you being the cause of any. at this point in her life, she may not be able to give you all aspects of her, so perhaps she felt as though she was cheating you out of herself.

 

if i were you, i'd give her the space she asked for. at this point, you have to guard your own feelings and give her that space to sort out her life. because if she wants to get back together, she could very well break up with you in a few weeks. and thats exactly what i did before.

[ekloot]

Thank you psu11 for the quick response. It sounds like you are very familiar with the situation. And yes, she exactly felt like she was cheating me out of herself. I've told her repeatedly that if she needed space I'm willing to do whatever necessary. I told her we don't need to see each other nearly as much (which is only like a maximum of twice a week now as it is) if she needs a lot more time to focus on school and work. I completely understand that. I would still be happy with just an evening a week if that truly is all the time she feels comfortable using to hang out. And we could greatly limit our phone coversations as well. I'm completely fine with that since there is a lot of other things I could do with my time as well. I just hate to fully breakup when I know it won't be like this forever and we both love each other so much. Maybe that isn't enough space though and she wants to be completely free...I don't know.

[confused25]

I think it's a bit strange that she would want to break things off with you even if you guys aren't having any problems that might've added to her stress. I could understand that she's getting drained from school and her family issues, but I think personally I'd like to have someone there for me and helping me get through it instead of me dealing with all the stress alone.

[ekloot]

Confused25, That is exactly what like every single one of my friends said...even the ones that have met her several times. And that's what I told her too and she said that it has definitely been something that she's been thinking about. And its part of the reason that she's been so miserable already because she has no one to lean on. When she called me last night I told her that what she's doing feels like someone who's on a sinking ship...so they throw off all the lifeboats thinking it will save the ship by making it lighter...but obviously that doesn't stop the ship from sinking and in the end that person ends up drowning because they got rid of the one thing that could have helped them. I keep going back and forth between that line of thinking and what psu11 said about basically letting her be on her own with her own space to figure everything out. Unfortunately my girlfriend doesn't handle stress well and especially has trouble when she doesn't have anyone to lean on. I handle stress much better but partially that is because I make sure i keep a good circle of friends and family to lean on...because I can't handle everything either without at least some support.

[ekloot]

Ellie2006, Thanks for the response. I think your advice is very true. That's pretty much all I can do now anyways. I said all that I can say to her...I offered her many different ways for us to handle the situation if she really wanted to make it work...but that is up to her and only she can figure out what she really needs. Its pretty much up to her now. It just hurts so badly because I love her so much and I know she still loves me. In many ways it would be so much easier if something else was going on...like she didn't love me anymore...or she wanted to date someone else...because then at least I'd know for sure it is over and I could find some solace in knowing that there was nothing good left that could happen. On the other hand of course I guess I'm a little glad that there apparently isn't someone else and that she does still love me...but it is tough to be left hanging. Basically I've left the door open and will do whatever she feels is best when she decides. All I feel like doing is breaking down and crying though because I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose this special person from my life...and I truly hope that isn't what happens but obviously I have no control over that. I guess I'll just have to keep surviving like I always do no matter what happens.

[ekloot]

Well just to give an update. My girlfriend wanted to talk to me again last night. She immediately started crying when we got on the phone...she said that she didn't know why she was crying...it was just hearing the sound of my voice and she missed me so much. I consoled her and told her I understand and not to worry about it. Obviously this all seems very strange since she is the one who said she couldn't handle everything and wanted to break up. I kind of jokingly told her that this must be the strangest "break" since both of us obviously still want to talk and lean on each other. She agreed and said that even though it isn't a full break after all, that she just needs a little time to clear her head. And she said she has been figuring a lot out the past few days...such as how much I really love her because I'm being so patient and just standing by for what she ultimately decides...and she also realizes how miserable life is without the prospect of having me. She also said for me not to be afraid and to trust her because she really feels like she is figuring things out...and she just wants to "look into a few things" that maybe can or cannot be done to prevent another situation of her becoming overwhelmed or over-stressed again in the future...because she doesn't want to hurt me again. She wouldn't tell me exactly what she's looking into or planning but from the rest of the conversation I suspect she is trying to figure out what her schedule at work and nursing school will be after this semester is over...so she can figure out if it will get better after the next couple months. The conversation was very good though and she told me to please keep hanging in there and that she can't believe how wonderful I am for doing all this just for her. So that made me feel pretty good. Still, this is one confusing situation but at least I'm a little hopeful now.

[ekloot]

Ellie2006...thanks for the good wishes. I hope everything turns out good too. It made me feel a lot better when she said not to be afraid or worried and to hang in there and trust her. I wish I knew exactly what she's up to with regards to figuring everything out. I know of course she's not doing anything bad...and I forgot to mention that she said her mother even approves of what she's trying to do...so she said that should make me feel better (her mother apparently likes me a lot by the way). So I guess I have to sit and wait and she said she'll tell me about everything soon.

[ILovePasta]

Honestly, I will NEVER understand why that is a reason to end a long term relationship. So her school is stressing her out, so life is hard at the moment, but for all that is holy, a relationship partner is there for YOU in those times of need. You are someone she can and should fall back on for morale support and encouragement. You are there to put a smile on her face when life gives very little to smile at, at the time. You lean on each other for help, and you work through the difficult times TOGETHER.

 

Imo, her reasons, and anyone who gives that as a reason has other motives/intentions. I believe this with every ounce of my being. It just doesn't add up.

[ekloot]

ILovePasta, I would agree with you that it doesn't add up and it isn't a good reason to break up. I think she's realizing that too and she called me again last night and wanted to talk. I won't go into great detail this time but it looks like she's going to make some changes in the areas of her life that have been burdening her. She told me to just hang in there until the weekend and she'll be done doing whatever planning she is trying to do (regarding school, work, and her home situation I suspect...from what she's said so far). She said she should be able to tell me all about it this weekend. I know normally when someone breaks up because of this there may be other intentions or motivations. At first I thought this too...but the more I find out, this doesn't seem to be the case at all. If you knew this girl first hand, you'd realize that she definitely has some serious issues dealing with stress in her life right now...not that she doesn't have a lot to stress about, because she does. If she needs to take a week off to think independently and straighten out a few situations in her life that have gotten out of control then that is definitely a good thing for both of us...and I just have to trust her since that is what she is asking. And its not like she's going out and doing anything crazy behind my back. I know her schedule and pretty much the only time she has been free...she can't help herself and she's talking to me. Kind of a weird "break". But she said it is helping her a lot. She also mentioned that if she does what she is considering doing...that I'll be the hugest fan of her mom...and her mom is on board with what she is planning...so it can't be a bad thing. It really is crazy being stuck in the dark for a few days with hints like that though!

[texasman123]

I don't mean to sound negative, but let me put this out there...you guys have a great relationship from what it seems. She breaks things off suddenly. There can be only two real reasons for this; shes met someone else or needs space from you in order to make life decisions.

 

If its that shes met someone else (which you have said is not the case), then you know its not worth it and can move on. the latter is more tricky IMO. Shes telling YOU to chill and deal with being alone as she handles things her way. she might not be doing this on purpose but thats what shes doing. So you hasve to sit and wait for HEr. I know you love her but why would you deal with that? How do you know this won't happen often? also, do you really want to be with someone that will dump you when things get stressful?

 

I think a good lesson into relationships is to think what would make you break up and that tells you if things are equal. If she chearted you would break things off so if she cheats, etc... So if you were stressed would you break up with her? I think by you standing by and dong whatever she says is a little selfish on her end. shes not taking into account what you are feeling. I would see this as a serious warning sign even if she comes around. Don't be a doormat. Tell her that this is upsetting you and you dont like it.

[ekloot]

Texasman, I do see what you are saying. And I have told her that I don't like the situation and it is upsetting. And trust me, she feels awful about letting me hang in limbo and she knows that i'm being very strong and patient to put myself through this. Originally it wasn't even supposed to be like this...it started out as a full breakup and we weren't going to talk again...however the next day she thought that maybe she made a huge mistake and it is the other things in her life that she needs to change and that getting rid of me is not the answer. She told me the other night the one statement that hit her hard was when I told her "it seems like every time you get overwhelmed with stress, I am the first thing you want to get rid of in an attempt to lighten the load". She said she thought about that statement and realizes her pattern and that she actively has to change things in her situation and how she deals with it so it won't happen again. And so she asked for a few days to work on doing all that which she actually is. She said she would understand if I wanted to call it quits and she said most people would want to. She's pretty much been talking to me every night which is strange I know...and she asked me to hang in there until the end of the week and she would tell me everything she's been planning out and have an answer for me for if we should give it another try. I don't think a week is very much to ask if we love each other so much. I did tell her though that my patience does have an end...so don't leave me hanging very long because I won't hang on forever...and she said she would not. And I would be more worried about all this happening all over again and I wouldn't be willing to give this another try unless she truly was trying to change the situation that caused it in the first place...and she is trying to change the situation. Many of the things that have driven her to the point of almost breaking down can be changed...and she's finally doing something about it. Ever since I've known her she's had this attitude of "that's how it is so I just have to deal with it" when bad things are happening...and now finally she's starting to figure out that sometimes we can actively change the situations around us for the better...and not just deal with it as it is and be miserable. If that is what she learns from all this then trust me...it is a very worthwhile lesson and will make the future much easier and brighter for both of us. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic and will end up getting hurt all over again...but that is the risk I'm willing to take obviously. Only time will tell if I'm right or wrong. Ellie2006, thanks for the support too!...yes it is almost the weekend...and I know I will make it to then with no trouble. Through all of this I have also learned that if this doesn't work out that I'll be okay eventually and that I have good people to lean on...I hope it works out though of course!

[ekloot]

Ellie2006, I think you and Texasman123 both have very valid points...I think it all depends on the particulars of the specific situation. And because of how this particular situation is...I've chosen to be patient rather than say that I'm done with it and I don't want to do this anymore. If she had acted differently this past week I probably would be taking Texasman123's advice right now and saying, forget this! Fortunately that isn't the case so here I am. And like I said before, if this didn't look like it was going to have any resolution soon I would be bailing out...but one week is not very long in the scheme of things...especially now since the week is almost over. I guess we'll see what happens.

[texasman123]

I would agree that its not a lot f time in the scheme of things. In life, people push. I have seen this often in relationshisp where one will push the other and see how mcuh they get away with. I agree with giving things a week, but if she pushes more, then cut it off. If she says "well, i'm still not sure" or something along those lines, i would say "im sorry but im not going to go through with this anymore, this is ridiculous".

 

For whatever reson, she WANTS to be single and deal with this. This is, like you said, either to deal with her issues alone, or for another unknown reason. a relationship, though, moves both ways, and is in some ways a package. If she said she only wanted to have sex and nothing else, you would say no way. But, she is doing the same thing. She only wants a part of the relationship right now, and not the whole thing. Thats not enough for you.

 

I would say unless she is sternly ready to get back fully to not go along with this. It will feel bad, but in the long run its the best way of getting her back. She needs to realise she cannot treat you like this and get away with it. No late night phone calls, no nothing...

[ekloot]

Texasman123...I completely agree with you. If she tries to extend this out past the end of the weekend then that will be the end of my patience and I'll be on my way. I'm only waiting this long just because she put a deadline to it...and it was only a week. I think she wanted until this weekend because she has today, Saturday, and Sunday off to catch up on all her class work (which she is very behind on) and also she said she wants to take time and write down all her thoughts and then she'll also tell me about anything else that she has been planning or working on. She reiterated last night that she just needs until the weekend or end of it that is. And we actually had an intense talk last night (almost a fight) where we finally confronted a bunch of things that happened that led us up to this point...such as me wanting to spend so much time with her which put a lot of pressure on her to free up a lot of time...but I was only doing that because she had said some stuff in the past few weeks that led me to believe that she wanted me to give her all this time and attention. Its been a crap load of work trying to see her as much as I have and talking to her as much as I have. It would be a relief to back off. By the end of the conversation we were laughing about some of the miscommunications that we've had once we understood each other's stories. I let her know that she needs to keep being brutally honest just like this because I don't read into things well...I'm like a blind man trying to find his way...and she said she wouldn't sugar coat things and beat around the bush anymore when she wants to tell me something. Thank God. Hopefully this is finally some real progress.

[ekloot]

Well Everyone...here's my last update for now. I went and hung out with one of my friends earlier today...we went bike riding. Right after that my girlfriend called me and asked if I was very tired...and if not...she would like me to come over and talk if I was willing. So we went and had dinner and she told me everything that she has been thinking about. Basically, one thing she is going to do is to change positions at her job so she only has to work a minimum of 1 day a week at the hospital (with the option to work more if she has the time). So she thought that should greatly reduce her stress level since her classes are very hard this semester. She also she needs a little more space from me...but not that we're breaking up. She said that she completely realizes because of the last week apart how much she's still in love with me. However, like she mentioned before, she needs some space...she'd still like to see me on a weekly basis but we'd have to dial back the relationship a bit...meaning not talking on the phone excessively when she should be doing other things (which is perfectly fine)...and she doesn't want me to assume that all her free time should be spent with me. So even if we see each other every week...she doesn't want me to think that every single free day that week is dedicated to me...which is also fine with me. She wants to go hang out with her friends if she's in the mood and not feel guilty...which is no big deal for me either...especially if she has more free time to go around when her job status changes. She basically said she wants the relationship to be more casual and she wants to have more time for herself. All this was perfectly fine with me. However, she started to go as far as saying that she was even thinking that if someone asked her out that she found interesting, that she wants to be free enough to be able to go on a date with them...but she quickly said that maybe that's not what she really needs because she would feel like she's cheating and that she would be miserable if I started dating other people too...so she decided that was a stupid idea and that she just needed more time for herself. I was fine with everything up until that point and it was a definate red flag so we talked about that more and I told her that I can understand her request for more space but that if she loved me as much as she says she does...that she shouldn't want to go out with other people in the future. So I drew the line there and said that if the possible option to "date other people" was part of the deal...then I wanted no part of her life. And she said she didn't really want to date other people anyways and she has no idea who she would even date...she said she was just trying to find a way to really stress that she wanted the relationship to be somewhat casual like it was when we first started dating. So she told me to forget about that part...so I let it go...as long as it doesn't come up in the future. So for now we just agreed to start "dating" each other again and take things slow. I could tell how happy she was to be with me again as I was with her and the rest of the evening was great. Plus she was all over me by the time dinner was over...so obviously she's still into me...and by the end of the night she didn't want me to leave which is a good sign (although it is kind of confusing since she's the one who wants a little more space...I'll never understand women). The one thing she mentioned is that if we take things slow and she has the time to focus on her school and everything else...then the time we spend together will truly be carefree and fun...and in time things will get back on track and likely progress along into something more serious again. I also mentioned the fact that I myself had suggested many of these things very early in the week...so why didn't we just agree to this stuff then?...and she said she knew I had said a lot of this but she needed to figure it out for herself (which kind of makes sense but it is kind of silly to take so long to figure it all out when someone else is pointing it out right from the beginning...whatever). I told her that I'm kind of glad we're starting up again slowly because she hurt me pretty badly with the whole breakup and I still have some feels of mistrust for her because of her dropping the breakup bomb on me out of nowhere in the first place. So I needed some time to heal and learn to trust her again. I don't think I could have jumped back into the relationship full throttle because I'm a bit skeptical of it all for now. She understood and she said she feels incredibly guilty to the point of being sick over all this. By the end of that night though things felt like they were back in the right direction because we're finally talking more openly and honestly than ever before...and we both felt as close as ever by the time we said our goodbyes for the night. So that's the story...and it seems to be a fairly happy ending. Her and I will just have to take things one day at a time and both of us will have to heal and grow with time. I guess we'll see how it all turns out. Thanks to everyone for all their support and of course any additional comments are welcome.

[suresuresure]

Wow, you said my situation reminded you of your own, and damn were you right. Since I'm fully entrenched in confusion I won't offer any advice, but I'm glad that your last meeting went well and that there is a great deal of hope for your relationship. I wish you the best, and thanks for the input on my thread.

[ekloot]

suresuresure...well I hope my story helps you in some way. It is kind of comforting to know other people are going through the same things and are willing to talk about it. I know that no two relationships are exactly alike, but its definitely nice to get some advice and feedback...as well as to vent to other people. This forum has helped me a ton this past week and I'm sure will help a lot in the future. And it feels pretty good if I'm able to help someone out who is in a similar situation. Hang in there and I hope your relationship will find its way back in the right direction as well. I'll keep hoping for good outcomes for your situation as well as mine.

[texasman123]

To be honest I think she is stringing you along. Again, think about yourself...would you ever even say to her that you would like to date other people, let alone think it? It sounds to me like you guys have a long history and she is scared to let that go, but she does not want to have a relationship with you. And then you agree to it?!?!? why? Ask yourself that. Would you ever tell someone you loved and wanted to be with you wanted to see them less?

 

Think abou this. If you had a great relationship with her, why does there need to be rules? Why not just when shes stressed she says she needs the night to get stuff done. Why does there NEED to be once a week set in stone? I would be very cusious with this.

 

I had my ex say the same thing and a few weeks later we were done. We got back together, but thats a large part to the fact that I said i wasn't doing any half-assed schedule where SHE deemed when we would hang out. And even that took months for us to get back. And thats what you agreed to. Like i said before a relationship is a package of many things. She is controlling your life. What isf the ONLY naight she wanted to hang out you had plans? Are you just never going to make plans until she tells you the night to hang out? Can she only call you? What if you call and she doesnt wnat to talk? thats not healthy, and why deal with that? I would say listen, if this is oyur attitude then lets just end it. You are being there too much for her and I think she is taking advantage. This is just from what i have seen, and i could be wrong....

[ekloot]

Texasman123...I totally see your point and why you would have that opinion...and to some extent it may be a little correct. However, the situation is not quite what it sounds. I'm aloud to call her when I want and she always answers and she calls me when she wants...however if she has homework to do then we will limit our conversation. Heck, she has been calling me more than me her. And she even brought up out of the blue if it would be alright if she came over Thursday night after class to watch tv and have dinner (and trust me my place is very out of the way for her to get to from her school so its no easy drive). So its not like she isn't willing to put forth some effort. And she's not necessarily controlling the schedule...she just wants me to know that sometimes she will want to hang out with friends instead of me...and since she'll likely have a couple more days a week free because of her changing her position at work...that probably means I'll be hanging out with her about the same as always...its just that some of the extra days she said she might want to hang out with her friends or with me and her friends all together...depending on if it is just her girlfriends. And sometimes she'll just want a day where we can talk on the phone but she wants to stay home and relax. I think everyone deserves that. And also, she said that if I make plans with my friends that I should keep them even if she decides at the last second that she'd like to hang out...she said she definitely won't be mad and we can just do something another day soon. So its not as one sided as it may sound. And plus...if you could see the way this girl acts when she's with me you'd be able to tell how much she loves me. And she's probably done as much or more for me in the last couple years than I have for her (I wasn't always the most attentive boyfriend...I actually used to be quite a jerk by my own admission). So I feel I at least owe her a chance to see how things turn out. I suspect that as her schedule frees up some in the next few weeks, the more space I give her...the more she'll be looking to hang out with me (if you knew her you'd probably agree). And I've been looking for ways to have a little more time to hang out with my own friends as well so it will probably work out fine. And as for her comment about the possiblilty of dating other people...she swears she doesn't really want that...she was almost rambling when that came out or maybe she was hoping I would roll over and just blindly agree to it (who knows)...but I suspect I know where that idea came from as I have a friend (who is a girl) who knows my girlfriend through me...and this so called "friend" of mine contacted my girlfriend earlier during the same day that we got back together...and this friend gave my girlfriend a whole bunch of advice...my girlfriend told me all this. My girlfriend basically told me that this other girl told her that "this is the time in my girlfriends life where she should be selfish and do whatever she wants and worry about no one else." Which is true to a limited extent...but I don't believe that there is ever a time in our lives where it is justified to be completely selfish. And this "friend" of mine is a strong advocate of "dating other people" all the time...and she's told me all this kind of advice as well. I really didn't appreciate her interference in this matter...especially since this friend is not the poster child for healthy relationships...she's a good person but not a good example of what to do in these situations. This is a whole other issue since I don't think girls who claim to be primarily my friend (she's my neighbor) should be interfereing in these matters...but that is a whole other story. I think this friend may have meant well but I'm starting to wonder. My girlfriend definitely doesn't need goofy ideas being planted in her head during a confusing time. I'm hopeful everything is going to be okay though....but in the end Texasman123 could be right but only time will tell.

[lonesomelady]

Hey ekloot-read your thread all through. To me it sounds as if she is scared of serious commitment. If I refer to your last post, you said that she says there aer times when she will spend with her friends rather than you-for her to mention this implies that she is scared that being in a relationship will not give her that space to hang out with friends and that it would be always you and her all the time. Thats how I see it.I find this becoming a rather common breakup-leaving without a reason. I read this on another forum(link removed) and well, frankly I find that its nothing but cowardice. If there is a problem, it can be sorted out, without the need to make one person feel rotten and keep on racking brains about what just happened and why it happened....

[ekloot]

Lonesomelady, I think I pretty much agree with you. What she did was somewhat cowardice and yes, when there is a problem it should be able to be worked out without putting me through all that I went through last week. She said with everything else going on in her life she was about to have a nervous breakdown and she didn't know what to do so she freaked out and broke up with me. It was a dumb solution and not really a solution at all...which she admits to now...alot. Especially since right after we broke up...she spent the next several days constantly crying and clinging to some stuffed dog I gave her. And I told her several times that the way she handled everything angered and hurt me a lot and that things could not be handled like this in the future since we were getting back together. And during this whole situation one of the biggest things she figured out was when her and I were actually talking about the situation together later in the week...not when she was thinking on her own...so I made sure she noticed that most times it works a lot better to talk about any relationship issues with the other person completely openly. She agreed that from now on we'll talk about these things right when they start becoming an issue instead of waiting until it explodes into some unnecessary disaster. And like I said...she's changing her job position so she works less...and that is a bigger deal than it sounds because she's probably going to lose a ton of tuition reimbursement now and in the future for making this change. And if she wants to hang out with her friends a little more since she'll have a little more extra free time that is fine...because I want to do the same. There is no reason that we have to spend every second of our free time together...that probably wouldn't be healthy either. But you're right...I think she was a little spooked that she felt like she had to spend every second of free time with me...and she didn't have much...and I can understand that but we should have just talked about it from the beginning and sorted it out together...which it sounds like we'll be trying to do much better in the future. My story is a good example of how not to handle things because it creates a lot more misery than necessary.