2 Years since she went to heaven

[southerngirl]

Two years ago , on August 25th I lost my mother to cancer.

 

I go back and forth. I am angry at her because of the way I was treated growing up. She was often times very emotionally abusive to me as well as physically abusive. However, being that she did fight for her life for 17 years of hers and my own life, maybe THATS why she was the way she was?

 

I also flip to the other side and I miss her like crazy. I miss being able to call her and tell her what was going on with my life. I miss how she would allways know what to do when I wasnt so sure with my children.

 

She was like two different people. She could be so so very nice and she could be so so very mean. She could be the strongest lion or the weakest lamb. Above all else she was beautiful inside and out.

 

Im due with a daughter the week before christmas and I plan to name her after my mother.

 

As the holidays approach I am apprehensive as stupid as it sounds with it being the third time through this

 

Is this normal. Should I still be grieving... Should I be flipping back and forth like this. I dont think Im over it yet.

 

I did go to a therapist and told him of this and other issues and he said he thinks I have ADD. I posted about it on here. Im not sure what to think about it but I do know that I feel I have other issues that are not related to any disorder like that.

 

I loved my mother above all else and I feel like such an orphan now. REally the only family I have left anymore is my step father, my aunts and uncles and my husband and his family... Of course my children too. Im their mother I just wish I still had my own.

[BellaDonna]

I do not think there is anything strange about the way you are feeling.

 

I do not think it's uncommon for you to miss your mom when you are going through different milestones in life.

 

A very good friend of mine lost her mother to lung cancer over 5 years ago, and there are still times when the pain of the loss is triggered: Holidays, large events, changes. She always says how sad she is that her mom isn't going to see her get married or have kids. It's normal to want your mom to experience such important life events with you, regardless of her faults.

 

My own grandmother lost her mom in childbirth when she was only 2 years old (both her mom and the baby boy died). When my grandmother was in her 30's, she was giving birth to her first child and called out for her mother. Even though she had not seen her in decades, she was mourning her at that moment more than ever.

 

The loss of someone so close, like a mother or a father, or other loved one can really change who you are. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's ok to miss them. What you have to do is try to remember the good times.

 

This book was actually featured on enotalone. link removed

 

I picked up a copy for my friend who lost her mom, and she thought it was a really good read. Maybe it can offer you some comfort/inspiration too,

 

BellaDonna

[coollady1957]

I don't think there is anything unusual about your thoughts and feelings, even after two years have passed now. It will be three years since my husband died, Dec 3 this year. I dread this Christmas season coming . I lost him three weeks before Christmas in 2003 so this will be my fourth season without him.

 

I still after three years, go back and forth, like you, with anger feelings and feelings of being totally lost without him.

 

Both of my children still have difficulty at times. The both miss there father terribly just like you are missing your mom. There are so many future milestones ahead for my kids that they feel cheated by the fact their father will never see these things happen for them.

 

In my opinion and experience, there will always be difficulties with special days, birthdays, holidays. etc. I think year after year they become a little easier to deal with and get through.

 

Suffering the loss of my husband has changed a big part of who I am inside. Everything that has happened since his death, I pretty much had to deal with on my own in the end. I had support from family and a few friends, but there was so much I had to get through by myself.

 

I certainly feel for you with what you are going through. Mine is only different in the fact my loss was my husband.

 

I can still see the hurt and loneliness my kids feel for their father. That causes me as much pain as anything to see the tears well up in their eyes when they speak of their father. They always bring up the good, fun memories about their dad, but they always seems to bring some tears along with them.

 

Allow yourself to feel these feelings you have. You are probably still going through a level of the grief process. There is no set time on the grief we feel. Continue to see your therapist as necessary. Take care . CL1957

[AdarkerBean]

I know how this feels.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm pretty sure that no matter what I can relate to this.

 

My father passed away last october 15th.

It hasn't even been a year yet, and I never properly grieved over his death.

I live in Nova Scotia and he lived in Ontario.

I talked to him everyday, but the last week of his life I did not bother to call.

I regret that more then I've ever thought I would.

For me, things will never ever be the same, because I can't call him up and talk to him about my day, and I can't ask for a ticket to fly up and see him.

But I know for sure he knows I love him, and Im sure that you're mom knows the same.

It's really amazing of you to name your daughter after her.

& I really think that what your feeling is normal, and I'm sure itwill always be there, but maybe it won't be as strong as it is at other times.

 

Take care.