Is it possible to end a marriage well?

[rose2summer]

Hey BB,

 

I left my boyfriend, he wouldn't accept I wanted to further my education, so he chose to go on an online dating site while we were still together,

 

I found him on there immediately,

 

I was in complete denial, accepted it was him, and then cried and cried,

 

I confronted him and he finally confessed and I was incredibly hurt,

 

With each day that passed, I was happier than I had ever been with him,

 

I am pursuing my dreams and getting what I want out of life,

 

And no one including him is going to stop me,

 

I breathe a sigh of relief that I finally was able to leave,

 

As our relationship was constant torture with his manipulation techniques,

 

Just remember, that although things may be tough if you leave your husband,

 

The pain will subside, and you will feel better each and every day,

 

And realize you are better off focusing on you and your children,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[NJRon]

My wife said that it wasn't working out (after, of course, many attempts) and she got a friend to help her pack her stuff and left... it was that easy.

 

If you share finances and own a house together, it becomes a bit messy... but, we didn't have children together and were renting... so, nothing holding her back from going. Had we had these considerations, then it would have been in her best interest to consult a lawyer first.

[baybrat]

Sure I can relate mynatasha. Here's a big fat juicy secret that no one on earth knows about... last year I signed up on link removed to see what was out there. I actually went "shopping" for another man. I never met anyone... but I did email a few guys. That all stopped when hubby and I started going to counseling 6 months ago. I discovered tho that it's not about me finding someone better... I just need to be free of this burden

[mynatahsa]

exactly...

there are so many shallow and worthless ways to "get even" -that are just soul destroying.

 

I don't want to become him.

 

I have also gone that route....ok....I'm not trying to act like I haven't

 

BUT.....it is a waste of time....cause I don't want somebody else....I want me first....

 

I have tested that theory......

[melrich]

Baybrat it sounds like you know this marriage is not going to get any better and you know what you should do. Can you have a good seperation? Yes I think it is possible but I suspect reading between the lines on your husband he will not react well.

 

I suggest that once you have made up your mind you start planning and laying the groundwork, finances, accommodation, legal etc, then you move pretty quickly.

 

You will be Ok alone. Certainly I think you will be better off than you are now.

[baybrat]

Melrich, your quote "We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage." speaks volumes to me. I thought I was helping him out, believing that after I got him on his feet that he would step up and be what I thought I saw in him. I think "helping" him was only "enabeling" him. Now it's too little too late for him to do anything to fix things.

[baybrat]

I told my husband that I don't love him. Last year I told him that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I won't have sex with him... haven't in almost a year. I'm not emotionally intimate with him. Why does he insist that we stay together? If it was money, he's just about spent it all. Why would a man WANT to stay with a woman that doesn't love him? Why doesn't he want more? This makes no sense to me. Wouldn't he want a wife that's going to actually be a wife?

[NJRon]

I don't understand why you even care to know the answers to those questions. Seems you have made up your mind that you don't want to be married. You have been in counselling for 6 months and nothing has changed.

 

Analysis paralysis doesn't get you moving on...

 

What do you plan to do next?

[mynatahsa]

Are you secretly married to my man? hahaahaha

 

Hey, I just read your other post...about the financial situation....

 

My man pays the bills or else there would be NO RELATIONSHIP.....

 

he makes good money at least....

 

You should dump this guy ...asap....like get the paperwork going....in the morning.

 

I can tell you the answer to all of your questions.....You are paying the bills........no way now how.....

you deserve better....you are already alone except there is an enemy working against you , that you are paying for.....

[Shadows Light]

Melrich, your quote "We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage." speaks volumes to me. I thought I was helping him out, believing that after I got him on his feet that he would step up and be what I thought I saw in him. I think "helping" him was only "enabeling" him. Now it's too little too late for him to do anything to fix things.

 

Love Melrich Quote.. to true.

 

Second, sounds like you may be co-dependant. There's a book out called,

" Co-dependant no more" by Melodie Beatie. Talks about how you are there to rescue and help someone. And wind up enabling them. In the end... you wind up bitter about it because you haven't changed them. "Look at all I do or did for you.. and what do I get." Co-dependants are givers givers givers. And quite frequently taken advantage of.

 

I know. I am one. I read your story and it sounds oh so familiar in many respects.

 

You are even trying to be nice about backing out of this relationship...why??? because he'll explode? because of what people will say and think???

 

Why is he still in it??? well there's gotta be some pay-off for him or he wouldn't stick around. Every one has a motive. His pay-off maybe that he doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't want to feel that rejection. He doesn't want people to know that you rejected him. So.. keeping up appearances works for him.

 

There is no easy way to walk away from this. You know him best. As other suggested a mediator would save you a heck of allot of $$. But if thats not possible... then what is your freedom worth???

 

I'm surprised you are out shopping. STOP!!!!! In an earlier post you said you'd been married before, and you've never been on your own. Well GF.. its time to be on your own. You OWN 50% of this debacle. When blame pie is being sliced up.. there's more than enough to go around. Seek a private counselor for yourself. To figure you out. To learn how to set better boundaries. YOU were right on the dime when you said.. shopping for a replacement is NOT the answer. You may wind up hurting yourself and the next person in the process.

[baybrat]

shadows_light, this is exactly how I feel "Look at all I do or did for you.. and what do I get." You are right about my co-dependent behavior, I became aware of it 10 years ago while married to my first husband. I let them both get away with far too much and then I end up resenting them.

 

The reason I'm trying to be "nice" about ending the relationship is... and I know this doesn't make sense... but it kills me to have someone mad at me. To feel like I'm doing something wrong and hurting someone... it suddenly makes me feel like a little kid again that's in trouble. I know logically that upsetting someone is not going to cause my world to come to an end... at least, I think I know that. I just can't bear to be seen as unfair or mean. Other people obviously don't have this problem. Why is it so huge for me?

[NJRon]

A lot more poeple have the same problem than you might imagine. You just need to recognize it as a problem and try and do the right thing anyway. It feels uncomfortable sometimes.

 

When you are constantly taking ownership of someone else's emotions, your focus stops being you. You need to work on turning the focus back on you. You can't control somoene else's feelings. Only they can do that. All you can do is to do your best... no one can expect any more... and you shouldn't accept less.