help! whenever we talk we argue

[calistabelle]

Hello all,

this is my 1st time posting, so please bear with me.

i have been seeing my bf for 3 years off and on. the history of our relationship is rocky. basically, anytime we had difficulty he would storm out and leave me, be gone a few days, and then make all kinds of dramatic gestures to get back together (flowers, love letters, drunken phone calls).

unfortunately i didnt complete the 60 day nc rule, bc he wore me down.

i know that sounds like a cop out, and it probably is, but after a great many family losses over a short period of time i was very sad and lonely.

 

last spring he sold his house and moved into my place fulltime. now when we fight (which is increasing greatly in frequency and intensity) were stuck with each other.

 

what i think the biggest reason for fighting is i get the feeling im constantly annoying him. it seems anytime i express my emotions he personalizes it and gets angry with me. for example on 9/11 after we had returned from his nephew's out of town wedding (for which i had taken time off work for) i felt very sad b/c of the day, of course but also because i lost my brother and father this time of year, as well as my son-17 years old decided hed rather live with his dad-so i consider that a heavy loss as well-all in the span of 5 years. i have no other family, and am proud that throughout it all i maintained my job, my dog,my home and some of my wits. i know that the wedding also kicked up alot of emotions for me as well, in terms of feeling the loss of belonging to a family.

 

when i tried to explain this to bf he got really angry and accused me of starting a fight for no reason. saying that i just look for reasons to be unhappy.

he was married for 20 something years and is a widower. he tells me that since i've been divorced 2x i should listen to him since he has been more successful at relationships.

 

its gotten to the point that he's downstairs while i'm upstairs on a friday night because if we talk, it'll turn into an argument.

 

he is not a total monster, he is a good caretaker i guess bc he took care of his wife during a long illness, is an indulging father to 2 grown daughters and a chef by profession. he is very considerate about preparing meals, etc. and while i dont mean to sound ungrateful i'd rather have the compassion. truly i havent had an appetite in days...i know he enjoys cooking, but i have been feeding myself for many years now and i guess theres more than one kind of nourishment.

anyway, sorry to be such a blabbermout, i am very grateful for any feedback!!

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA calistabelle! Great to have you around here.

 

Well, aside from his ability to be a good caretaker I don't see any compellation that supports staying in this relationship. What is good about it? Can you tell us that?

 

This sounds to me like you guys are trying to mix oil and water here with a blender and the blender is smoking and oil and water is flying all over the place. There's nothing here that says you guys have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

 

So once you can see and believe in this, then we can talk about getting out of this. The first step is seeing it and knowing in your head this relationship is unhealthy and not good for either of you.