Need some advice...

[crazybouthim]

So... I have been dating this guy since November and we moved in together two months ago. Mainly because of finances, but it turned out great. We have gotten so close and I am so in love with him. Unfortunately, last night, he came home to tell me that his sister wants me to move in with her. I was shocked considering I live with my boyfriend and things were great or so I thought. My boyfriend and I were just talking about the situation and I mentioned that it might be a step back in our relationship if I was to move out and move in with his sister. I dont really see what the point would be. He kinda freaked on me and got really upset. He thought by me saying that, I was giving him an ultimatum and this was how it was going to be for the rest of our lives. Of course, I was devastated by this. I guess he has insecurities about being with one person for the rest of his life... maybe I'm just not the one he wants. I dont know. I just need some advice because if I moved in with sister, things would be so different. First of all, I barely know her and second of all, she said to me that if I was to move in with her, she wants me to be her friend and not be known as "so & so's girlfriend." I wouldnt be staying over his house every night like we have been and I just feel like making this step would kinda put a damper on our relationship. Am I wrong? I'm just hurt. I understand the want to see what its like to live on your own and it would be nice to try that... everything has just happened so quickly and I feel like he's just not happy with our situation, yet, wont talk to me about it. Any advice?

[blender]

If you really want to do what is BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP, get your OWN place, no matter how small, you can NOT afford NOT to do this, for yourself and ANY relationship you want to give a chance to... It will not be a wise thing to stay with him, (the way he is feeling is kinda normal right now) and it is NOT a good idea to live with his sister, get your own place, then you have a real honest chance of making your life better, being more "attractive" and dependent on him or his family, and living on your OWN, will give your relationship the best chance.

 

How classy would it be for you to go out, look for a place, without saying anything first, find it, get it, and say, "no worries honey, I know you're feeling a bit smothered with me here, I feel it sometimes too, and I care about US too much to not go and get my own place, so I'll be moving in two weeks, and it was nice of your sister to offer but I don't think that's best either)

 

If you want to feel good about yourself AND be an "attractive" woman, then take care of YOU first... this is class...you can do it, even find another friend to be roommates if you can't get a place on your own.. but NOT his sister, and don't stay with him... it will ruin any chance you have about feeling good about yourself and him feeling good about the whole situation..

[melrich]

Live where you want to live. Why would anyone (your b/f) presume to tell you where to live? Why would you let them?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I agree with blender. You should get your own place. You shouldn't have to feel like you're not welcome in your own home. He's putting you in an awkward situation. I agree it's better to have a tiny place of your own than have your future determined by whether your relationship works or not.

 

What if you move in with his sister, and you two break up? Then I guess you're out on the street?

[blender]

Well, I agree with "Teddy", I would also add that HE"S NOT putting you in this situation, YOU are choosing to stay in it, and I hope for your own wellbeing, self respect and future happiness, you will not live with either he or his sister, show your independence, and get your own place, that is the attractive and self respecting thing to do, and when you actually do this...he'll probably be there everynight...because you will make it cute, cozy, and YOUR PLACE.. express YOURSELF.. don't get defined by someone else, then you'll only be at the mercy of whatever mood they are in that you are victim to re-act to..ugh..that's ugly...and YOU are worthy of so much more... make it happen for YOURSELF>>

[Momene]

I've never heard of anyone who's lived with a partner, moved out and continued the relationship then lived happy ever after.

 

Any success stories, anyone?

[blender]

Hey Momene, I guess it depends on how you define success, don't you think..

 

My sister left her then fiance years ago during there "living together" phase, because he was feeling smothered, and she thought, 'time to move on" even though her heart was broken, she had the self respect to move out, get her own place, albiet over a million tears shared with me while we packed her things while he was out, of course he knew of her plan in response to his "smothered" issue

 

She was sad, BUT she knew that it was the "right" thing for her to do, she never even consider the option of living in one of his parents owned apartment buildings, or to keep living with her fiance because she did not want to become her fiance's "resentment or burden"

 

She also did not want to CONVINCE him through tears, that they should keep living together because she had the secret "HOPE" that he would "come around"...

 

nope, she said to him in so many words in a kind confident way, "you're not comfortable with this living arrangement, it makes you nervous, thanks for being honest, now for me to be honest, I know it's best for me to leave a place where I am not "wanted, respected, and loved"... he insisted he did love her, but he was not feeling "ready"... so she said, I love you too, and I love myself enough to give us the space we might need to either grow together or apart...

 

for the first month she moved into her place, he was incredulous that she had the "nerve" (translation: self respect) to do this..but he was also very "Relieved" to have his place to himself.. she never called him, a few weeks later he called, asked to stop by...

 

she said she was happy he called and invited him over for dinner, her place was small, NOT as nice as the place they shared together, but it was HERS...and it showed, her personality, love and coziness was on display.. and he felt "good" being "there"....

 

over the months, she regained her independence, they began a bit of a "power struggle" he'd stop by when he felt like it...and when this became an apparent pattern, she again come to her sense and said "If you're interested in something "real" with me, then call, if not, please have the respect to leave me be...that is what I would do for you"...

 

within a year they were married... and till this day she says, "If he never came to get me, marry me, I still would have done the right thing for ME, by moving out when I did..."

 

Life lessons....

 

being independent, responsible for yourself, having your own space, defining yourself as happy with who YOU are on your own = SUCCESS

 

In a relationship by a loving self respecting choice where both partners have a sense of self and meet in the middle = SUCCESS

[Momene]

Glad to hear it, well done to her.

[g44]

why would your bf want u to live with his sister? that part i don't get. as for deciding where u want to live, if u are in a relationship with someone wouldn't u want to include that person in the discussion? maybe i am wrong. but i would think u both would want to discuss that, unless, u had wanted to have your own place and not have him part of the decision process..but then isn't doing that saying u are not in a relationship...it would be like someone coming home one day and saying "hi honey, i just decided to take a trip around the world...stay in touch'. was there any feelings of things being unequal? was the home u left not a place u felt was comfortable or u felt a part of? is it strictly a money=power thing?

 

in any event, i think having a place u can call your own is a great feeling and gives u a sense of pride. and u can do anything u want with it. paint things white. blast music. good for u. enjoy your home. its yours and no-one elses.

[g44]

i am sorry u felt i might be a burden - not respected or loved....that is not what a home is....its supposed to be your safe oasis...

 

at least u have that now....well done

[Momene]

Perhaps I could move in with his sister!

[crazybouthim]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and actually taking the time to write me back. Here's an update: My boyfriend and I talked last night and I will be staying here for the moment. We decided that if/when there is a time when we both agree that I should get my own apartment and will be able to afford it without a problem, then we will work out all the details together. His sister is no longer in the picture and he apologized for throwing her into the mix like that. I really really like her, but moving in with her would have destroyed everything. So, thanks again for everyone's advice. I do think that eventually moving in to my own apartment will be a very independent and more "attractive" thing to do and when the time comes, it will happen. Until then, I am going to love every second my boyfriend and I get to spend together. They are the happiest moments of my life.