We almost broke up, unsure where to go now

[chococatattack]

Hi everyone,

 

It's my first time here so I certainly appreciate any advice you can offer. About three months ago my boyfriend and I reconciled. For the most part, it's been great but we have had some issues here and there pop up. In my opinion, it seems our communication is a big problem. We adore each other, have a great time, etc and we do communicate. The problem is our style is so different, which leads to misunderstandings that often lead to frustrating conversations and sometimes arguments.

 

Today was one of those days. A simple misunderstanding led to a huge fight. I admit that I continued to press the isse when he asked me to let it go for the time being so he could become less frustrated. I didnt and this led him to say that maybe we should not be together. That even though he cares about me so much and wants it to work out, it isn't because of our communication issues. Right now he has an extremely heavy workload and personal things going on and mentioned the relationship was becoming to much to handle.

 

After some discussion, we decided to keep going and seek ways to learn how to communicate. The problem is I am feeling so rejected now. I mean, am I wrong to stay with someone who wanted to let it go today? As well, I feel like he is so defeated at this point,, like his heart won't be in it. I realize that given the situation he was pretty drained but I am feeling incredibly insecure now. I almost feel like he wants it to work out but is convinced it won't. We kissed good-bye but I could tell he was distant. As it stands, we have decided to not see each other until the weekend, which I think is a good thing. But again, I still worry.

 

How do couples recover from setbacks like these?

[melrich]

Have you talked about how you each like to communicate? That is very important.

 

When I first met my partner, our fights were her yelling and screaming and me shutting down. She is temperamental and I am very considered. We would just end up in separate rooms.

 

Then we talked about that. She said she likes to get everything and a bit more out straight away. I said I like to go away and think about things first. And we made some compromises. Now our fights are so much better!!

 

Try talking about how you communicate. Not what you communicate about.

[chococatattack]

Melrich,

 

We definitely have and in many ways we have gotten better. It is just hard to unlearn what comes very natural to us. And of course in the moment you often forget how you may need to deal with someone differently. I just wish it could come easier for us.

 

I just wonder now, if time will help this blow over. He is so frustrated and seemed so ready to give in but for whatever reason he did not. I don't know if it is because I convinced him or because despite what he is feeling he wants to believe it could change. I just know we are still together. I feel like I am on eggshells now, which I need to get over if this is to get better. I just wish I knew what we could do to help heal this conflict. Maybe instead of talking it death, I (we) need to create good memories.

[shelly7]

choco, i just had the same fight with my boyfriend. I'm sure I dont' have to tell you the frustration I feel right now. After fighting with him and him leaving, I decided that maybe I tend to over analyze things and I'm with you on trying to create more memories. I'm going to try and live in the moment more often, which seems to be a challenge for me.

 

good luck to you!

[Django Jellyfish]

Hi choco. I've been there. And this weekend was a second time I've been there with the same person. This is my first visit here, because I was searching for advice forums for just this kind of thing. I know how you feel about being on eggshells and just wanting to create more happy memmories to erase this, just drown it under better times. I'm so scared right now, and I feel rotten inside. I'm at work but I think about it and I start crying.

 

A friend once told me that sometimes it's good to go to the edge and come back, because it makes you a stronger couple. I, personally feel like I've weakened us and I just wish I could start all over, knowing what I know now, and do things differently. I know I can't do that. I guess I don't know what good advice to offer, but it's good that he is staying. It's worth it to him to work things out. That's huge.

 

Stop feeling rejected and sorry for yourself, that's important as a first step. You're already thinking about your conflicts in a rational way, and that's important too. Admit your own weaknesses and faults and be aware of them.

 

I didn't know about the concept of "good arguments" before, and how different communication styles can be reconciled to form productive arguments - which ideally aren't really arguments at all, just serious discussions that take the places where arguments used to inhabit.

 

Good luck. I am right there with you.