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I Still Don't Feel Right...


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This will sound somewhat pathetic...Bare with me. It's extremely long.


When I was 12 I met a wonderful guy (I'm 15 now). Let's call him M. M was 15. We met over the net and started chatting and eventually he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Everything was going completely smooth. We were having a relationship just like everyone else and I could have sworn I had feelings for him. Everything was perfect.


Then one day in March (6 months) he calls me and his voice is completely racked and he sounds out of his body. I asked what was wrong, but he told me he couldn't tell me or I would leave him. By then, I already knew something was wrong. He started crying and having little spasms and he finally told me that he kisses another girl (it was an e-kiss, but I was 12, maybe 13, back then and really stupid). I asked him how it happened and he told me that she signed on while he was on and she kissed him.... at 4 A.M. I might have been stupid, but not that stupid to realized that something was wrong. He told me he was really sleepy and didn't know what he was doing (oh really). I made a counter and told him he could have just signed off and went to sleep if he was so sleepy and he told me he knew. I left it at that and told him if he ever cheated on me again... I would leave him.


Little mishaps took place... I remember one day while being on AIM he accidently pastes a message that was supposed to go to God knows who. It had someone's screenname in it. I forgot what it said, but me being my nosy self copied the screenname and IMed them. Found out it was his "ex" girlfriend's J's sister, A. I felt offended by the fact that he would actually talk to them. He told me something about J cheating on him with 10 guys and now he's pretending suicide to make her feel like her cheating killed him blah blah blah. I found out a year and a half later that it was all lies.


A few months later, my computer gets this nasty virus and completely dies. I still had the phone so I could talk to him. Just about everyday I came home from school and talked to him for hours (this made the phone bill go skyhigh and I had to make up lies about phone numbers out of state to my mom). It was even more perfect thn before. I never suspected anything would go wrong. There was the time I went on his account on a certain website and found girls sending him very explicit messages. I asked him why he was cheating on me again and all he could say was, "It's not me. It's my friends. They get on my profile and talk to a lot of girls. You know I would never cheat on you. I love you."...I didn't believe him, but I let it go.


Then something really weird happened one day... I was on the phone with him and he made a three-way to his voicemail so I could hear all the messages I left him. We did that just about everyday. I left him a total of 3 messanges and I was so happy he let me here them... Then this message comes up:


Girl: Hey, M, it's Sara. Just calling to- *he hangs up the voicemail*

Me: Who is she?

M: My friend's girlfriend.

Me: Why is your friend's girlfriend leaving messages on your phone?

M: He lost his cellphone.

Me: ...Are you sure she's not your girlfriend?

M: *pause* Of course not... Only you.

Me: Well, if it's only me then I'm sure you're fine with me listening to the message.

M: No.

Me: Why not?

M: My friend told me to not let anyone hear the messages his girlfriend leaves him.

Me: But I'm your girlfriend!

M: And he's my best friend!



...I met up with him. He wasn't an internet perv. He was the guy he described. Brown wavy hair, grayish blue eyes, 5'4, huge nose. Yep, it was him. I met him at the diner while my mom was there eating breakfast with me. Mom didn't like the little intrusion, so she made sure him and I knew that we couldn't meet anymore until I was 16 (14 at the time). I said I promise and he said he promise, too...Psyche.


We met two more times. The first time I had my first kiss in Walden's Bookstore. It would have been more than just a few kisses, but this old lady had to ruin it. I walked him to his car and I had my first make-up session for everyone in the parking lot to see. Second time ...we went a little further. No intercourse, though (thank God).


During the summer, things between him and I began to change. He was meaner, more aggressive, and seemed to hate it when I called him. I just thought it was all the stress from his mom and dad going through hard times... but I was wrong.


It so happens that the third day of my freshman year, my dad tells me that he's been sick for a while year and I was just finding out. I wanted to cry and yelled at him for not telling me, but I didn't because he looked like he was in enough pain. The only person (besides my mother) who I could talk to about my problems was M. I called him and I cried to him and he had the nerve to tell me I was lying and that I only wanted attention. I told him * * * * you and hung up. Later that night, I get on the computer (got a new one after a whole year) and found out that he had been flirting/cheating with girls on the same website again. I confronted him as a joke.


Me: Hey *laughs* See you've been cheated on me again (here I'm hoping he'll tell me it's his friends doing and not him)

M: I was cheating..but I stopped a few hours ago.

-world stops-

-my heart stops-


...What?...He was...actually cheating?

He told me he had started right after I hung up. He went to a friend and started flirting with her and it eventually led to cyber. He didn't deny it at all...


The next day was our 2nd anniversary and I told myself, and my sister, that I was not going to let the previous night's mishaps get me down. I went to the mall with my sister hoping to see M there, but he wasn't. I used my sister's cellphone and called M to wish him a happy anniversary.... He never picked up. He sent me an e-mail with it a few days later... I somewhat knew it was over. We were separated for a few days and then I finally told him I loved him and wanted him back, so (with no effort whatsoever) he asked me to be his girlfriend again and I happily said yes....


October 1st, 2006. A month later... It was early on Saturday morning. I was extremely upset with M because he told me he was call me back the day before and he never did. Everytime I tried calling him all I could here was ring beep. I also thought that beep meant his phone was charging...Well, I told him how pissed off I was about him not talking to me and he shooed me away. I got seriously pissed off and told my friend K about it. She told him off and in the end he told her, "Since you're acting like such a * * * * * to me, tell Fi (that's...somewhat my name) that me and her are over," and she did and I felt relived and I told him off, too, and it ended.


...Not really. I told him off for the next 3 months. Bragging to him about all the wonderful guys I met, the boyfriend I had, cursed him out for treating me like his so-called ex J did to him (found out the truth about her later). It all just made me so mad. One day he had enough and told me exactly what was on his mind... He had never been so rude to me in the 2 years we dated and when he finally did it I felt like I was in love with him all over again. So, I cried and begged and pleaded for him to get back with me, but he didn't. He had no need for me. So, I ripped up his love letters, pictures, threw away the necklace he got me (my brother is so mad I didn't pawn it) and I cried during it all. I cried like I never cried before. It felt so bad.


A week before Christmas I talk to him and ask him if he has a girlfriend. He says no. Next day he says yes...My heart drop. I started shaking and getting sweaty. I couldn't contol my typing. All I could do was sit there. I went on Myspace and found his (never knew he had one) ...His new girlfriend was in it with him. And what was her name...


Sarah...stupid me never connected two and two unti recently.


I was so pissed. I had a total of 200 of my internet friends call his cell and house phone asking why his * * * * was only 3 inches. It worked. It got to him. He pretended to be a mod for AIM and tried to hack my account/send me a virus, but it didn't work because the guy I was currently liking then was a supreme hacker and sent the virus right back to him.


I though him and her were happy together..no. He planned on going to Australia this year during the summer and sleep with some girl. I asked him didn't he had a girlfriend and he said yeah, so?


Oh New Years I call him and wish him Happy New Years..he says you were really mean to me and hangs up. I wish him happy birthday, too. He didn't care. He never wished me happy birthday back. I told him I had nudes and asked if he wanted to see. He said yes and I asked don't you have a girlfriend and he said, "She doesn't have to know."


...He never got nudes...


The very last time I talked to him was on March 5th...My birthday. I told him I was done and I left. Never talked to him again (well, my sister did prank call him on my cell, but that's another story). Back in July I found out something... horrible.That girl Sarah that left him a message on the phone was not his friend's girlfriend. It was his girlfriend. How did I figure it out?


Myspace. She posted something about it being their 1 year anniversary together... 1 year? ... That was back in May/June/July, but we broke up in October. Obvious cheating.


I also found out that J (his "ex") wasn't really his ex. They were still seeing each other while him and I were together and while he's with Sarah. Again, Myspace works like magic. Since she had cheated on him with 10 guys, he could cheat on her with 10 girls... And that's exactly what he did. What number was I? No clue.


It'll be a year since we broke up on October 1st. I only brought this up since our anniversary (September 3rd) passed just recently. I felt fine that day. All I did was sit home and read and eat. I didn't even think of him.


But in a way he has been ruining my life. I can't get into any relationships now. I always fail. I missed the most perfect oppotunity with a guy named T... if only I wasn't thinking about M...him and I would have been so happy together...


All I want to know is why haven't I gotten over him yet? When will it end? Will it end? I want him out my mind. I still know his house and cell phone number, his address, his birthday, everything about him. Will this information ever go away? Will I ever get in a relationship again...or is there no hope?

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It's hard to get over your first love. You know that this guy did you wrong, a LOT, but that doesn't make the fact that he was your first love any easier, and the fact that you haven't had a relationship with anyone since him makes it even harder.


Give it time. I know it's been a year, but give it more time. Get out there, date... when you find the right person, M will be all but blown out of your mind.


Don't contact him again, either. It only causes you pain.

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It's hard to get over your first love. You know that this guy did you wrong, a LOT, but that doesn't make the fact that he was your first love any easier, and the fact that you haven't had a relationship with anyone since him makes it even harder.


Give it time. I know it's been a year, but give it more time. Get out there, date... when you find the right person, M will be all but blown out of your mind.


Don't contact him again, either. It only causes you pain.


I try to forget him, but somehow he always crawls into my mind. One day I think about strangling him...the next I just want him the wrap his arms around me and tell me he's sorry and that he wants me back...

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