Fiance' requests

[sbever]

My Fiance' is always asking me to tell him about past sexual experiences. He gets turned on by hearing about intimate details. It's almost a daily occurrence. I'm beginning to think that is all that makes him aroused. Does anyone deal with similar situations? If so, please give some advice. Anyone else, please give an opinion - I'm not sure why he likes to hear it - is he not interested in our relationship?

 

thanks to all....

[NJRon]

It doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't interested in your relationship. However, he may be confusing this sexual arousal with intimacy.

[Hope75]

How do you feel about telling him intimate details of your sexual past? Are you comfortable with it?

 

Have you tried talking to him about it?

 

Perhaps you could try turning the dirty talk around a little, and instead telling him in great detail what you would like him to do to you, or what you will do to him, and then you can leave past relationships out of your present one.

[NJRon]

I'm sorry, I'm not making idle assumptions. If what you say is true, he is getting off on being cuckolded. Not bad... not necessarily abnormal... but, if someone is stuck on that phase, and unable to focus intimacy on you directly without the external stimulus, it needs to be immediately rectified. Definatley prior to engagament.

[sbever]

It's almost like it's a daily request - either on email or when we are together. In the beginning I thought it would pass quickly as a phase but it's been several months. He tells me the thought of me "being pleasured" by someone else is a turn on in his mind. I've never been around someone that wanted to hear about past. I know I don't want to hear about his past. He tells me he feel so secure in our relationship that the past intimacy does not bother him but loves the vision in his mind.

[sbever]

I'm sorry Hope, I didn't comment on your response. It didn't bother me at first because I thought it would go away but it's getting a little old.

[NJRon]

If that's not shared by you, then it is a core incompatibility. He is focusing on the thrill/jealousy of that to the exclusion of *your* feelings. It's not love when it is one-sided. Be very careful here.

[Grokker]

I agree with NJ Ron.

 

I used to do that with a girl I was seeing once. I liked to hear about how slutty she was when we were in bed together... it was a thrill, imagining her acting out with other men.

 

The important thing, though, is that outside of the bedroom we talked seriously to each other about that. I told her in no uncertain terms that those thrills were fantasy ONLY, for my part. It turned me on to imagine her as a * * * * while we were having sex... but I did not want any kind of relationship with an actual * * * *, I believed in commitment and monogamy, and I'd never have wanted to actually include another person sexually. I made sure we were both very clear about that distinction.

 

As long as you communicate with the guy and get those ground rules out in the open... it's probably just a harmless little kinky thing. But it's very important to have that serious, non-sexual conversation... make sure you're both on the same page about what you both want and are willing to tolerate.

 

Of course, if you make it clear to him that this makes you uncomfortable and he persists in asking for it... that's not good at all.

[sbever]

We do talk very serious and it's only been going on for a few months and he tells me under no circumstances does he want to ever share me with someone else - he also does not want me to BE with someone else He says it's all such a mental picture - he loves thinking of how much pleasure I received. He tells me the turn on is knowing how good it made me feel. He tells me all I have to do is tell him when I'm fed up with it and that will be the end and he's gone through other "phases" and sometimes I like to talk about it too but I'm getting out of that "phase" myself. I know not everyone is in the same "phase" at the same time. I guess I need to just tell him it's getting old and move on to something else. If he has a problem with it then the relationship wasn't what we thought it was. We do talk very serious most other times - it's just in the evenings after work when we are talking he gets in the "tell me a story mood". What do you think guys?

[Grokker]

I think you're handling it exactly right, Sbever. If it's getting old for you, let him know that. Maybe as a bargain you could also try and interest him in some other kind of sexual activity that you know he'd like, instead. If he persists in asking for this particular kind of thing after you've made it clear you don't want to do it anymore... that's when it's time for a really serious talk.

[NJRon]

You need to go into the the "I'm fed up phase"... and for a while. Let him know that you are only interested in him and he should be only interested in you.. in the *now*... in only you two together. Not your past experiences. It's time for him to focus on the present.

 

Give it a while at that stage and then take a look at his level of excitement for you. And I'm not talking about a few months here. I'm talking about a much longer while. You need to make sure that he is in love with you... not just in lust with the fantasies he creates.

[sbever]

We have alot of fun together both in and out of the bedroom. In general I feel good about what we have - it's this one thing that has started to annoy me after all this time and only started a few months ago. In the beginning it was erotic but it's now like watching the same show over and over and OVER again. Make sense?

[NJRon]

Yes.. it makes sense. Time for *both* of you to get serious... Good luck