Slacker's problems

[Slacker]

Hey guys, i just want to say a quick thanks for all the great advice i've gotten here, and the wise words i often find on this site.

 

On that note, I know this type of "guy" we'll call him "virus";

virus is constantly seeking out new mates and adapts his facade

to suit each of them he meets, he displays an excellent amount of

charisma and comes off nice to all who meet him, virus will "fool"

as many girls into falling in love with him as possible with little or

no mutual respect for them, virus is not malicious by nature but

confused about what he wants and oblivious to the feelings of

others. Virus is capable of maintaining manipulation even after being

discovered for what he is, the women who loved him are often drawn

back in with a new set of lies as many as 7-10 times and casual sex

is often possible in between.

 

I used to be a virus, (long ago) until i realized what i was putting people through. I know that guys like this can be very dangerous.

 

My Girlfriend of ~a month has an ex who is a virus, and she may have intermittent contact with him, she has stated having him as a rebound

as little as earlier this year. They go to the same school. I'm worried, i

trust my girlfriend and she is an amazing and level-headed person......

but i know the insane stuff that guys like this can pull....

 

I want to puke every time i hear his name......

I worry about him meeting my girlfriend....

 

Where can i draw the line (is it right for me to draw a line?)

on how much contact with him is okay? (is contact okay?)

im having a real hard time looking at this objectively.

 

Should i even worry?

[talo]

Where can i draw the line (is it right for me to draw a line?)

on how much contact with him is okay? (is contact okay?)

im having a real hard time looking at this objectively.

 

Should i even worry?

You say you used to be a virus. In my understanding this is a manipulator, a controller.

 

If you really are no longer this, then you will not wish to manipulate or control your gf will you? You will only control yourself.

 

Thus, you only draw the line on what you do, not on what she does. And thus, the (amount of) contact she has with this guy is out of your hands.

 

What is ok is what makes/keeps you ok; and what makes/keeps you ok is your own perspective; if something does not look ok, you can always change your own perspective.

 

Worry is not an ok perspective.

[Slacker]

.... i see your point, i think it would be acceptable to ask for her to keep from contacting him, but in light of your statement, that would be controlling.

 

I guess i just need to have confidence in her loyalty,

but i think i'll still be sleeping with one eye open.

[NJRon]

I don't see a problem with drawing the line with certain people that make you uncomfortable. Your description of a 'virus' sounds like a malicious form of the 'social chameleon'. If you feel uncomfortable with your gf being in contact with a *particular* person, I see no reason why you can't state that.

 

Don't tell them what to do... tell them how it makes you feel. A conscientious partner will avoid actions that place their loved one in an awkward position. If I have a GF and she says she is really uncomfortable with me communicating with an ex... no matter how platonic it will be... I will accommodate her feelings. Why? Because she is more important than the ex and, frankly, if it is just friendship, they will understand also.

 

Telling someone you are uncomfortable and how it makes you feel is not controlling. It is expressing yourself and allowing them to choose the appropriate course of action. If they continue to do something that makes you uncomfortable, then it is your right to enforce the boundary and break things off. Just be prepared to stand your ground and, if necessary, embrace the consequences. In the long run, you want someone who puts more emphasis on your feelings than on someone outside of your relationship.

[doyathink]

Virus...I like that, pretty self explanatory! You have the right to make suggestions, it is YOUR relationship too. When we are in a relationship, there has to be a line where no one can cross. You two need to pick your comfort zones, one you can agree on.

 

Havent seen you around lately, hope it all goes well for you!

[talo]

I guess i just need to have confidence in her loyalty,

but i think i'll still be sleeping with one eye open.

You do not need to guess, you need to create. You need to create trust.

 

You appear to be creating suspicion. Is this what you really want?

 

There is a saying "one is susceptible to what one subscribes to".

[Momene]

I think being cautious about him is natural but if she really wants anything from him, she'll be able to do it locked up in a cellar.