Heart broken

[joeart]

Hello everyone, I am new here. My name is Joseph and I am seventeen years old (eighteen in January.) My girlfriend and I have been together for one year and almost six months. We live 900 miles apart, but we make it work. We visit every other month, sometimes a little bit more if we can work it out. We have been a strong, faithful couple this entire time. We have never had a true, terrible problem.

 

I'm sure that I am going to be called immature, and that's fine by me.

 

We have always believed that we are soul mates. She is moving here in December, and we have been planning to invest in an apartment together for a very long time now. We even have a scrapbook/journal that we have been updating with fun things like photos, receipts, letters, etc. that we are going to "show to our kids." She sometimes even brings up what we'll name our kids. We also always wonders what they'll look like.

 

Today she told me that she needs to be alone. She said that she needs time to think, and that we should take a break. She said that she loves me, and that she is not leaving me, but she is confused and she needs to catch up with herself. I asked her, "If you're not leaving me, but you're leaving in some sense, then what is happening? Do you still believe we're soul mates? Do you still want to get married to me?" She said that that is what she needs to think about. She said she needs to reassure herself that this is what she wants. I've been hurt before, but I've never felt my heart sink so hard. I seriously thought that something terrible happened to my physical self. It hurt so bad emotionally and physically. Now to this point tonight, I am queazy. I feel like such a wimp... I'm crying, shaking, and I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up. I was sure that this girl was my soul mate. I was sure we would be together forever. We always promised we'd be together forever. In fact, the night before today, I asked if something was wrong and she said everything is OK, that I was being "silly."

 

After she said she needs time to think today, she left for a walk. I asked her if we would talk tonight, and she said she didn't know. It's about 9:00pm now, and my heart is broken.

 

She said that she doesn't want to have to limit herself, and that she wants to read and travel. That is seriously all she said. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't mind if she travels, I'd be happy for her if she did that, she'd bring back wonderful stories. I don't mind if she reads. She's been reading a lot lately, and I've totally numerous times that I think it is adorable. I love it. I'm not limiting her from these things. The only thing I've ever truly held her back from is drinking and smoking. I have a legitimate reason for that: it's bad for you. It's dangerous, especially when your friends drive after doing it. The only other thing I've really held her back from (but not really) is getting a tattoo. I just don't like the idea of it, but I haven't told her not to get one. I've actually told her that I'm completely OK with her getting one, I just don't like them, so I'm not holding her back. And besides, how can I be holding her back when she is 900 miles away?

 

Please help, I am seeking comfort and understanding. She was not clear at all, and I have no idea what the true problem is, or what I am limiting her/holding her back from. I am scared to call her or e-mail her, because she did say she needs alone time, and I'd feel like I'm interfering.

 

I know that this sounds completely stupid to a lot of other people, but please understand that I am a sensitive person and I've never been so heart broken in my life. I can't live without her.

 

Please help.

 

Thank you for everything.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA joeart! Great to have you around here...feel free to PM me anytime you want bro...

 

Well, this is a tough one. I've seen things like this happen a lot. Sounds like a case of one person wanting to let loose and explore while the other person lies in wait, confused, hurt, and hopeful...a painful emotional mix...

 

You guys seem to have been pretty tight, made plans, hopes, and dreams together. The thing is, people change a lot through their teens early/mid 20's and you guys are right in that age range where a lot of change and development happens...

 

The best thing you can do is leave her alone completely and start detaching from this situation. What you're going through right now with your heart sinking (as you put it) will help you whether you get back together or not as it will give you a "head start" on the grieving process or will make you stronger and more independent if you do get back together...

 

The other best thing you can do is go do some exploring on your own! Go chase your dreams dude, and who knows, you might find some new dreams that don't include her...

[joeart]

Thank you very much, it means a lot to me. I'm trying to stay strong.

[friscodj]

Thank you very much, it means a lot to me. I'm trying to stay strong.

 

Yeah, it's tough, most likely the hardest thing you have ever done.

 

I've reached points where I didn't feel like I was living, rather, I was just existing, wandering aimlessly through my life and serving out my prison sentence in solitary confinement.

 

The way I got through that was just systematically and robotically "doing" my life, one foot in front of the other, one step, one day at a time. The simplicity of that existence was actually refreshing in some sense, like having a bad cold...there's nothing you can do but lay on the couch, eat ice cream, and watch cartoons...then one day I noticed the sky was blue again, the air was fresh, people were smiling, things were OK...

 

But at any rate, in time, it does get better...always

[monkey1]

I agree with friscodj. Sometimes, especially in LDR, you wonder if it's what you want. Making a LDR work is really hard. And sometimes you wonder if you want the same thing with that person 2-5 years from now. And like friscodj said, you do change a lot in your late teens and early 20s.

 

And the whole traveling thing, she may feel like she might not be able to give you all that you want right now and be able to explore her own interests. Since you guys are young, you're probably almost done or are done with high school and want to go explore life on your own, meet people, gain new experiences and such. It's hard sometimes if both folks aren't on the same page.

 

Try not to stress over it. Hopefully she'll return and be fine. But also be prepared that she might not express everything you want her too.

 

Just leave her alone and let her come to you. Last thing you want when you're trying to clear your head is your partner coming to you asking questions about what you're feeling/thinking when you yourself don't even know.

 

Hang in there.

[TheRedQueen]

I am sorry for your heart break, but I assure you just like any other wound, given enough time, it will find a way to heal itself (it should also be noted that there are ways in which you can nurse your heart-broken wound, like putting neosporin on a cut, so as to effectively decrease the healing time as well as the amount of scarring)

 

You cannot force love, it is a reaction and product of many different variables that happen to exist outside your realm of control.

 

If she needs time alone to grow independently of you, regardless of how much this desire of hers might hurt you, you have to respect the fact that if you and her, are in fact "soul mates" and are thereforeeee meant to be together, this separation would then only be a temporary means to a positive end, somewhat analogous to an emotional vacation from each other.

 

Time is a funny thing, in that it exists as a constant facilitator of change. Just breathe, this too shall pass.

[joeart]

Thank you for the help everyone, it means a lot, and it really does help.

 

I have a small update on the situation, I think this might change some opinions...

 

I talked to her today. I told her that it's painful for me to constantly be hanging around, wondering what she's doing. I told her that it's hard to understand anything when she is so unclear.

 

I asked her if she wanted to date other people. She said, "I don't know..." So I asked her to be honest. And she said, "...no. I don't." Well, her first answer makes me feel funny... like, maybe she is afraid to admit this? At this point, with this much confusion and pain, and this much being unclear. it's too painful. I need to take action in some way, because she's being immature about the situation.

[friscodj]

I've learned to take "I don't know" to mean "No"...

 

The worst thing you can do is give your heart and soul to a confused person who doesn't know what they want or how they feel...it's like giving the keys to a race car to a drunk driver during rush hour with you hanging on the roof...

[joeart]

Give my heart and soul to her, as in being sweet and caring to her, or...???

 

Sorry, I'm a little lost.

Thanks!

[friscodj]

Give my heart and soul to her, as in being sweet and caring to her, or...???!

 

Or vanish, vacate the situation, dissipate, disband, separate, evanesce, otherwise, disa-freaking-pear...

[rikka]

Hi joeart, welcome to the board. I am sorry you are going through such a rough patch. You have received some great advice and insight (friscodj is right on the mark). At the fear of sounding redundant, I will just say that people do change a lot during this point in their life.

 

Maybe a bit of space between the two of you is a good thing for the time being. And as hard as it is to do, you need to distance yourself from the relationship as well. It isn't just a "pause" or a "time out" for her, use this time as a chance to get to know you as you, like friscodj said (he is such a wise guy!) go chase your dreams! Live life, experience new things. Whether or not the two of you continue your relationship, you will be so much richer for it.

 

Best of luck. And remember, vent, cry, grieve as much as you want to. It is your heart and your right.

[joeart]

Or vanish, vacate the situation, dissipate, disband, separate, evanesce, otherwise, disa-freaking-pear...

 

I like your way of thinking! I am trying my best to disappear, but she keeps calling me. Calls from her should make me happy, but right now they further baffle me...

 

She called me last night around 9:00. She said, "I don't want to break up with you. I am just so busy... I love you so much." Later on, I fell asleep, but I was woken up by a phone call from her at 1:00am... it was her. She started talking to me, telling me about college, what her classes her like, what the people in her classes are like, how much she hates her French teacher, how stupid her English classmates are, usual things she'd tell me. She started talking in French to me to show me what she'd been learning, and she was just being adorable as she normally would be when we're "together." When we got off of the phone, she told me she loved me with all of her heart, and she did this thing we used to do... (make kiss noises since we can't kiss in person.)

 

So it's really hard to disappear right now. When I finally feel like I'm vanishing, I get a call, and she talks to me like we're together, but I know we're not.

 

This is so weird!

 

I'm sorry for ranting on and on, it's just that the situation keeps changing... it's a weird one, I know.

 

The thing is, it's hard to hear her say she loves me with all of her heart, when I know that her intentions of our future together may not be the same as they used to.

[friscodj]

So it's really hard to disappear right now. When I finally feel like I'm vanishing, I get a call, and she talks to me like we're together, but I know we're not.

 

This is so weird!

 

I'm sorry for ranting on and on, it's just that the situation keeps changing... it's a weird one, I know.

 

The thing is, it's hard to hear her say she loves me with all of her heart, when I know that her intentions of our future together may not be the same as they used to.

 

Actually, this is not so weird. I read about something similar almost everyday on here...

 

When people go through changes in their lives and are thrown into new and unfamiliar situations that are intimidating, challenging, etc., they have a tendency to "reach out" to those that they are close to...I believe this is her main motivation for her efforts. Dam near the same exact thing happened to me with a woman I was planning to marry. In time, it became so clear that her heart was never really in it...

 

Now, a hard lesson I've learned, or more applicably perhaps, "had beaten into me", was that no matter what you do, you cannot win someone back by "being there" for them as their friend. Absolutely 100% forget about it.

 

Look, keep in mind if she wanted to be with you, she would, regardless of fire, flood, earthquake, or other natural disaster in her life. Believe that...

 

My guess is she is in denial about her feelings. I have been on both sides of this, telling the little voice in your head that is telling you this isn't right to "shut up"...but it persists, like Chinese water torture...

 

I think she is reaching out to you because she needs the emotional security of having you there and she is in denial about the truth in her heart. That is my guess.

 

Hopefully, this assessment might help you press the "reject" button next time she calls so you both can stop pretending, face the reality of this situation, and start living life instead of just existing in a tepid pool of heartbreak ad hopelessness like you are now...

[joeart]

friscodj, thank you so much for being there for me. I love hearing your advice, because it truly helps so much. You saved me a lot of sobbing, and that means a lot. Without your support (and others too) I wouldn't be able to get through this so well.

 

I am pretty sure this is my last update on the situation... it's the most important one. Please read!

 

I went to a concert with my friends tonight, I needed to get my mind off of everything. Near the end of the concert, she called me. I stepped outside and answered. She said specifically, in a very sincere and loving way, "I don't want to be on a break anymore; I love you too much." Of course, this made me happy, and she seems serious about it. I also asked her earlier, "How serious are you about our relationship?" And she said, "Very serious." So when I got that call tonight, it gave me hope. I know that she's really been jerking me around a lot, but maybe she has been too confused. I know she's busy with work, school, and dance, and that's a drag. She did say that, though, that she loves me too much to be on a break with me. She said that we probably won't get to talk as much as we did last year, because she's in college now and it's really busy, but I just need to understand when she is busy.

 

I have a feeling everything is back to normal now.

 

What do you think?

[TheRedQueen]

Just ditch her and hang out with ur mates. I hate all this "i don't know, i'm not sure" bollocks that women fire at us. Its just their way of trying to control us and make us wait. Stuff that. Just forget her, put it down to experience and chill out with ur mates. Give it a few months and you'll wonder what you were worrying about. Its her loss. Your 18. Get out there and ENJOY life. Relationships are more hassle than their worth at that stage, I know you agree or else you wouldn't even have poseted on here.

 

When we say "I don't know, I'm not sure", it can mean one of two things.

 

a.) We sincerely do not know, and we are not sure of how we feel about the relationship.

 

or....

 

b.) We deep down know that it won't work out, but somehow don't want to admit it to ourselves or to our respective boyfriends.

 

For some girls it is really hard to reject people, because by doing so they feel as though they'd be "hurting someone's feelings". Personally, I have always preferred being the one who receives the pink slip, rather than being the one who issues it.

[joeart]

When we say "I don't know, I'm not sure", it can mean one of two things.

 

a.) We sincerely do not know, and we are not sure of how we feel about the relationship.

 

or....

 

b.) We deep down know that it won't work out, but somehow don't want to admit it to ourselves or to our respective boyfriends.

 

For some girls it is really hard to reject people, because by doing so they feel as though they'd be "hurting someone's feelings". Personally, I have always preferred being the one who receives the pink slip, rather than being the one who issues it.

 

 

I know she's said, "I don't know" plenty of times, but that was almost a week ago. Now she says she doesn't want to be on a break anymore, because she loves me too much.

 

She called me out of her own time, and the first thing she told me was she loves me too much to be on a break with me. Do you really think she just needs that emotional attention? I would understand if she just left me hanging on this "break," but she said she wants to be close again. That's gotta mean more...