Broke up on Friday, am a total wreck - words of wisdom would be great

[paulapalooza]

My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me on Friday. It's extremely strange because we just got back from vacation a week ago and had an amazing time. Here's the story...

 

Vacation:

We decided to go surfing and climbing which are activities that we're into. All was fine, but there was one thing that bothered me about the vacation: we were with his friends or with other people practically the whole time. I feel that being on vacation with your significant other calls for some alone time, which we didn't get. It was then I was starting to feel a little strange about our relationship. I even had a dream in which my significant other came up to me and said that he "lost that magic feeling with me". I told him about the dream, and he basically made me feel like an idiot for even thinking of it. After the reassurance, I really didn't think anything was the matter.

 

At Home:

After we got home from vacation, we were both back at work and were busy with seeing our friends. We really didn't have a whole lot of time to hook up and hang out. In an effort to rekindle what I thought was a lack of alone time, I planned a surprise for him to be had on this past Friday. On Friday night, I called him to come over because I had prepared him a surprise dinner, etc. but then he said that he couldn't make it because he had a friend who came in from out of town and they were going to go out. I was infuriated because we had planned to hang out together and I got ditched for his friend. After he sensed that I was pissed, he came over to "talk".

 

Basically, from there it came out that he was having doubts about the relationship and didn't know whether or not he wanted to continue on with me. He said that he felt that our lives are going in two separate directions and that we didn't have anything in common. But then again, he said that he loves me and that I'm a great person. Being already in the angry state that I was in, I told him that if he didn't feel the same way about me as I did him, then we shouldn't carry on in the relationship. He was still teetering on the idea that he didn't know, and I told him to not waste my time. It was then that he said that we were better friends than lovers and that we shouldn't continue on. I was devistated, but still gave him his things and told him that it would be best if he left. He did.

 

It's only been three days and I'm going crazy. I miss him, I want to call him, I'm reading my diary about how we used to have such good times together. I can't take it. I know that he was upset, because during the whole process it looked like he was going to cry. But, then again, I'm not sure if he's going to call me. I feel that this break up might have been a heat-of-the-moment type situation, but I'm not sure. I want to get back together with him so badly its driving me nuts, but I know better than to call him and harass him. What should I do?

[Bounder]

Paula,

 

I am sorry you are feeling pain right now. i have been on both ends with the same person of your dilemma. Sounds like he thought about it, but hen got scared while talking with you. Its hard to end 2 years with someone you loved. Its even harder to be certain you are doing the right thing. I know thats hard to empathize with on your end....and thats ok. Be angry, it may help you. Besides, you shouldt have to feel pain like that, but sometimes it happens. For now, just let yourself let anything you need to out. How detailed of a talk di you have that night? Did he explain more than just saying 'different directions' in terms of what that meant? If he talked a fair bit, there probably is no point in contacting him to try and get 'closure'. That has to come from within yourself. I know that sounds wishy washy, but I am in the stage of finding that right now, and I can see how it happens. Writing here is a huge help, and feel free to pm m. We are all rooting for your happiness!

[craign]

Continue to live your life,dont call dont bother him.BECAUSE

1.This drives a guy crazy.WHo is undecided

2.There could be another door open up.

3.If he doesnt love you and your not meant to be together,then theres not a darn thing you can do to change it.

I have chased relationships that were not meant to be and all it does is cause heartache.Dont do that to yourself.You dont complete yourself with someone.Your already complete.If he sees that he will want to be with you even more.Or he might not.You cant decide that for him.Be good to yourself you have no idea whats in plan for you.

[amfuller]

I am feeling so alone I just recently got out of an engagement with a man I was with for 4 years. It has been an emotional draining relationship and although it has only been 3 days it feels like 3 years since I moved out. I am trying completely to move on.(as hard as it is)

[amfuller]

Paula sorry you have to go through this. I can understand your pain just try to bring yourself up. and good luck

[craign]

I want to say one more thing,I know its not as simple as 1 2 3.Im not saying that.The hardest thing in my life has been relationships.When i love im totally in love.And when i hurt i hurttttt.I think that breaks ups are a process that each one of us process differently.I use to withdrawl and hide in my room.Because the pain in my heart was so strong.My friends could only comfort me for so long.Then there was a time that i said ok theres something more out there for me.Either i hide or i get out there and live my life.What that time frame for me was i hope will not be for you.I remember i would say i will not find anyone like that again.I was right.I found something better.But there was things in the past relationships that i learned from and did or didnt do in my next.

[paulapalooza]

Thank you for your replies. It means a lot to me that I'm not alone in this situation. I've been heart-broken before, but when you're in love again, you don't even really remember what it's like to hurt.

 

Our conversation wasn't that detailed. It really sounded like he was on the fence about breaking up with me. He just kept saying "I don't know" and I more or less told him to stop wasting my time. I feel like I sort of initated the break up, but at the same time, I feel that it was what he wanted too. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe it was for the best. But, at the same time, I'm deeply hurt. My heart says that I need to talk to him, but my head says that I won't get he validation that I want.

 

I just want things back to the way they were.

[timlondon]

So many parallels with my breakup! Seems that it happens to quite a lot of people in the same way, when one of you feels like you're "on a different path" from the other. I was absolutely devastated when my girlfriend said that to me and really feel for you.

 

One thing I must put is that the general advice on this site - to go no-contact and get out and enjoy yourself - is absolutely spot-on. It will give him the maximum possible exposure to the feeling of being away from you, while also making you look really confident (& thus attractive).

 

I worried that by reacting in a positive way like this I would appear (not only to my ex but also to our mutual friends) like I didn't care and hadn't been very attached. That hasn't been the case and everyone has been really supportive, to my relief. It's just provided both the appearance and feeling of being in control.

 

These first few days are the worst. Go and buy some new clothes, get down the gym, and get your mates down the pub.

[paulapalooza]

You're totally right timlondon, I appreciate it. The hardest part is resisting the urge to call him. My dad probably said it best when he said, "He's going through the same thing you're going through. Just let it be". But it's so hard. Thanks for the support. This is totally the time I need it the most.

[eloquent]

I hear you about the pain. I broke up with the ex a week and a half ago, and it does get easier, although the pain just creeps in there in deep ways, even when it isn't so painful. It is just hard to imagine not being so close with the specific person. And it is surreal, like we are so close, and then so far away.

 

He wants to hang out and be friends. It would be too hard for me. I could talk twice a month I told him. Just seems too hard.

 

Anyway, hang in there my dear. Focus on the present and know that you are strong and there is full life out there for you. LIfe is a mystery and the more we hurt, the more we love. If we are open, we get all sides and thankfully, we get to feel. Being numb is like being dead. Even pain is part of being happy. Okay, hang in there.