talked to the therapist

[danman4968]

So i talked to my therapist about the whole thing...gave him the short version since i only had an hour and he helped clear things up and showed me a different perspective...i am feeling tons better after getting to get all this off my chest and seeing things in a new light.

 

She felt the need to unblock me from msn, ask if we were friends (shes asked this like 3 times now) i told her its not best and it does noone any favors (from "The Plan" hehe) then she asked if i wanted some of my clothes back, and honestly i dont want to see her...so once again for the 3rd time i said no...told her i wanted no contact and that it was best...and after all shes said and done, i couldnt want her any more than i do right now.

[joyce1412]

and after all shes said and done, i couldnt want her any more than i do right now.

 

sorry, was this a typo? do you still want her, or no?

 

i started seeing a therapist after a broken heart a few years ago. it's funny, how they can just throw out a single sentence and you begin to see everything more clearly. with the help of a therapist and a new guy, i dropped that heartbreaker like a bad habit.

[danman4968]

yea, i still want her.

[shelly7]

danman, i'm sorry to hear you are hurting. You're doing the right thing with NC. If it helps, my ex wanted to continue on as friends, and I said no as well, even though it broke my heart. I stuck to NC because I remember reading somewhere early on that by remaing friends with the ex, it just makes the break up transition easier for them. One month later, my ex realized he missed me and wanted me in his life and not just as a friend. I'm still not confident enough to say everything between us will have a happy ending. NC will help you to heal and let her miss you, and then she might call at which point you'll be in a better place to decide if you want her back. I'm behind your decision 100%.

[joyce1412]

you really are doing all the right things. therapist--fantastic. NC--wonderful. not seeing her even though she wants to see you? brilliant.

 

i'm in the same place you are...doing all the right things and still feeling stuck in the past. i guess it's just going to take time for us...?

 

you're sticking to healing. i admire that. keep it up. from what i've known to be true in past heartbreaks, the feelings really do fade.

[danman4968]

Im not sure where im at right now...my therapist told me some phases that i have/will experience, helps me to work toward the next step. So im kind of lost guess ive just got to wait...oh, and even better, one of my best friends is throwing a party, and guess who is going to be there lol. any advice on that situation?

[joyce1412]

eek. if i had any indication that going would make me feel worse, or make me miss my ex more, i definitely wouldn't go. guess it depends how you feel. i don't think i could see my ex without wanting him again, so if it were me it would be bad news.

[danman4968]

im not worried about that...i have accepted everything as it is, and realized that i cant change her mind, or make good decisions for her, i cant even show her what a good decision may be without getting cut off by all her negativity...im just worried about her getting drunk and feeling the need to jump all over someone else...that is something she would do.

[joyce1412]

well, assuming that you guys attend the same functions only once in a while, why not just skip this one? then you don't have to worry about how you'll react to whatever stupid stunts she tries to pull. why not just tell your friends you have other plans (so if she asks them about where you are she can get jealous wondering what you're doing)?

[danman4968]

she has already cheated on me once before with my best friend...so if i had to deal with that, on top of some other stuff shes been pulling im pretty sure id go crazy lol. It wouldnt be cheating, but it would still hurt the same.

[joyce1412]

yeah, you don't need that. go out and have a good time with some other friends. one less party won't kill you.

[danman4968]

This is true, i dont know what would be worse, having down time and sitting at home by myself...or going there, if she does something dumb it wont matter where i was, i would of wished i went...but ill have a little faith in her skills to make good choices...when shes intoxicated...lol this isnt very good at all.

 

Guess ill just hope she isnt coming! so i wont have to worry but now the thought of her will be in my head and will bring the mood down, bleh...lose-lose situation.

[joyce1412]

This is true, i dont know what would be worse, having down time and sitting at home by myself...or going there, if she does something dumb it wont matter where i was, i would of wished i went

 

what if you don't have to do EITHER of those options? what if, like i suggested, you went out with other friends and had a BETTER time?

 

why would you rather be there if she does something dumb? so you not only have to hear about it, but see it as well? sounds masochistic to me.

 

Guess ill just hope she isnt coming! so i wont have to worry but now the thought of her will be in my head and will bring the mood down, bleh...lose-lose situation.

 

you're really setting yourself up for failure. now you're telling yourself that if you don't go, you'll want to be there, so you'll be miserable...but if you do go, even if she's not there, you'll be miserable!

 

i still say the best option is finding something better to do and telling your friends to not tell you ANYTHING about the night. tell them you don't want to know whether she was there or not. i know you're curious, but she really, truly isn't your concern anymore.

 

think about it this way. you could ask for details about what she did at the party. you could also ask people who know her what she did last weekend, whom her most recent crush is, you could even ask what she ate for breakfast this morning. it doesn't matter, because any information you get about her will either be irrelevant or hurtful to you, or more often a mixture of both. even if you were to get information about her that's slightly satisfying (say she's interested in a new guy who wants to have nothing to do with her), it's still doing you a disservice because it keeps you caring. and then, just when you think you've got the last laugh because her life is in the gutter, you could hear about something great that happened to her and then your whole world will come crashing down again.

 

i've had to learn the hard way why it's always, ALWAYS bad to get info about the ex. so if i could keep you from doing it, keep you from getting hurt, i would be really pumped.

[danman4968]

yea i understand...i just needed a change, and getting out and chillin with all my friends would of been nice...but now i get to stay at home...and sit on the computer or watch tv...bummer.

[nilli]

I have to agree with the others. Don't go! It doesn't matter what you do instead. Going out with other people would be a good option but even if you stay at home, that's fine too. It's only one evening. It'll pass. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to have a good time if you're feeling hurt and don't compare what she's doing to what you're doing.

 

Get engrossed in a good book.

 

The less you know about her the less things you have to dwell on.

[danman4968]

So i didnt go...i dont know what went on, i am not even sure if he still had his party, i dont want to know anything...thats 1 event passed...now i have my birthday in 2 days and what would mark 2 years in 6 days...what a rough week...atleast ive got another meeting with the therapist on my bday, hopefully that will lighten the mood and of course my new motorcycle im getting that i cant shutup about hehe.

[blender]

Danman, I don't think you should go to the party, but if you do, then do NOT drink, or get drunk. and don't do anything to try and provoke some emotion from her, be confident, stay away from her, if she talks to you, be lite and polite, and move on...

 

but I must say that for me, I would NOT go to the party, I would just sit home watch an old movie, feel sorry for myself, whatever, but when we are still "vulnerable" it's best not to see the ex at all. if you don't feel ready to see her, and I mean "ready" where you have absolutely NO EXPECTATIONS at all regarding her, then do NOT go...

 

make an excuse, tell your friend "you can't come because you have an out of town friend who's visiting, and they want to go do something else.".. I'm sure she'll hear of this and wonder where you are and who you are with,

 

in the meantime you will be home "healing your heart" and not punishing yourself by having to see her.. and she'll be left to wonder where the hell you are, whatever you do, think it through first, let us know how you're doing, Blender

[joyce1412]

dont know what went on, i am not even sure if he still had his party, i dont want to know anything...thats 1 event passed

 

great! don't ask for any information just as you have already done. i know the temptation is great, trust me...just ten minutes ago i had the urge to check the myspace of this girl my ex might be seeing. but you don't do it, even though you're dying to, because that's the path to healing as well as indifference. you can't stop caring if you're still checking up, still looking, still digging for dirty details...

 

and don't hesitate to let your friends know that you don't want to hear about that stuff. luckily, if you have mostly guy friends (which you probably do), they're a lot better at being discreet about these things. i'm sure they'll be happy to do it if they know it's helping you. plus, with their outsider perspective on this relationship and knowing how badly she's treated you, i bet they're MORE than happy to help you get over her.