uncertain

[chezzel]

I'm having a bad time at the moment. It's been like this for a few months now. I am not happy in the relationship I am in. I started losing interest a while ago because my boyfriend acts as if the world revolves around him and since I started losing interest, I haven't been able to get it back. So it just feels awkward being together.

I think my boyfriend probably feels the same because he's always shouting at my children and I and complaining about everything. I don't know. But the whole atmosphere here just isn't a happy one.

I think I should break up with him but then I just feel guilty about it and can't do it. I mean we've been together almost 4 years and he's not a bad person at all (he's just a little too wrapped up in himself) and he's going to Iraq in November for 6 1/2 months. I think we'd all be happier if we split up but I don't feel like I have a 'valid' reason to leave.

I really don't know what to do.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Chezzel,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Losing interest is a valid reason to leave, at least to me.

 

If thats not valid to you, then how about not wanting to shouted at. It's certainly not healthy for your kids. That seems like a good reason to leave.

 

Maybe you're at a point in your relationship where things have gotten cloudy. You don't really see where it's going, but dont' have any clear signs of what to do. Unfortunately I've been there, and unless you are proactive about changing the situation, it's only going to get worse.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Hi, Do you think he might be anxious and scared because he's going to Iraq? I mean I know I definitely would be! Maybe he is but can't deal with it the right way.

[chezzel]

I asked him if going to Iraq was bothering him but he said it wasn't. He said it was 'this house'. And then when I tried to talk to him about it, he got annoyed and told me to stop bothering him.

I don't know what's going on with him because we're hardly together - he is always going away - either on exercise or back to his hometown whenever he has time off. He seems quite happy when he's in his hometown.

Last weekend, he went out with his friends and a group of girls (one of which tried to kiss him last year) and he gets mad when I ask him about that. He also had bite marks on his chest but insists it was his friend that did it. I really don't question him cause he just snaps all the time lately.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm not saying his behavior is acceptable, but even though he denies it, I am pretty sure it IS attributed directly to his pending tour of duty. Sucks for you though, because you're not being treated well, and he may or may not be messing with some other girl.

[timlondon]

Considering that he's leaving for Iraq in November I think it would be a good idea to get started on this problem quickly - so then if you do decide you want to break up he's got a bit of time to get over it before he goes away.

 

There are a few issues that you have mentioned are bothering you, and I think some could be attributable to stress caused by his mobilisation, and some seem a bit unlikely to be caused by that. The snappiness could certainly be a result of the stress, and though it's clearly horrible for you and your children it's the sort of identifiable behaviour that you can point to and get him to change. Perhaps the Army (if that's who he works for - not sure why I get that impression) might have some sort of counselling service? And "this house" was a crap answer for him to give to your question about stress

 

However, the other stuff seems to be a bit more difficult to explain like that. Spending all his spare time back with mates in his home town doesn't sound like the action of a committed chap, to be honest, and though bite marks aren't the end of the world, if it's indicative of more than that...

 

So you need to have a real think about whether you can do anything that will make any difference - but you should be aware that you don't have to have a huge fight to have a valid reason to leave. He's not commited, may be messing around with another girl, and - crucially - you're not interested. Sounds to me like you need to have a "this isn't working" chat.