A year of "trying" ... and for what?

[loveisaparadox]

Since we have a child, breaking communication was not an option. And so we went through a year of not really being broken up - my feelings are stronger but we both have feelings for each other, but I think I've made things even worse by chasing her for a year. It was impossible to see her without wanting it all. Now I'm afraid too much damage has been done. Supposedly, we are now truly "broken up". I have made a personal resolution to stop chasing. But I still have to see her. Why would she ever want to be together after a year of pain and complexity and futile trying? I told her I feel deeply sad but "free" after finally giving up on her. What a lie. I don't feel free. I feel even more trapped by my feelings. Now I have to see her and pretend not to care. I can't believe this is happening ...

[rose2summer]

Hey loveisaparadox,

 

You loved this woman, she mothered your child,

 

You wanted to make things work,

 

You chased her, but she kept running away.

 

Your solution is to stop chasing her,

 

Keep all contact related to the child you fathered with her,

 

We, as humans, only miss what we don't have,

 

She cannot miss you unless you pull a houdini trick and disappear.

 

Good luck!

 

Rose

[loveisaparadox]

thanks for the response, rose. you have a very level-headed way of looking at this stuff. I feel dishonest in what I have told her. I said I'm finally letting her go. Well, that's partly true. I'm *trying* to let her go. I told her I know she misses being intimate (she has told me this) and that if she wants to be with someone else, she should because I miss it too. I did admit I would be really hurt. The thought of my baby's mother with someone else ... it's driving me crazy. And I have no desire at all to be with someone else. Am I crazy to be telling her this stuff? Am I making it easier for her to move on? Is it dishonest?

[friscodj]

I don't feel free. I feel even more trapped by my feelings.

 

I believe this one needs to run it's course, like having the flu. I think in time you will simply become fed up, resentful, and despise to the n-th degree being trapped. As the intensity of these feelings builds, they will squash and replace your feelings of love for her and your attachment to her. This is exactly how people grow to resent and hate each other. But after that, there will be acceptance with all of this.

 

While this process is taking place, it's time to focus on you. Use this situation as a catalyst to take your life to the next level and really start living it. Better yourself, take care of yourself, make yourself feel good. Travel, find a passion in life or focus on an existing passion, go back to school, etc. And maybe some of the happiness you find in doing this will make you feel less trapped...