Please Help Me Help Her

[WantToBeLuved]

This female friend of mine had a really rough broke up back in December with her then boyfriend of 11 years. The guy pretty much just disappeared and started a new life just like that on a whim. About 2 or 3 months after that we became a little more then friend but it ended at end of May because she didn't heal yet from the break up which I completely understood. She said she needed time to be by herself, so I left her alone so she can deal with her issues. Only talked to her about once a month since May and it was just small talks. Nothing more.

 

I thought she was healing, but a few weeks ago, this hits me up on AIM and tells me that she seen her ex on MySpace with the new love of his life. Of course she's upset about it. But I ask her, "how did you come accross his page?" She told me she went LOOKING for him. I'm saying to myself, "if you are healing, why are you looking for him?" and I said that to her too. She said I'm right and she shouldn't be worrying about him. Somethings she said that really bothered me were "stupid me trying to make peace with this, trying to forgive him" and "trying to think of what I would ever say to him". When I read that I thought to myself...., "No, no, no thats not right! All this time and this is what you are thinking about? What about yourself???!?!??!!!!!!"

 

I actually directed her to this website and told her she should post up here because there are many people here that has gone through, or is going through exactly what she is going through now and it would be a good place for her to get an idea on how to heal. I also told her about NC, exactly what it means and that she has to discipline herself to stick to it. She says she would, but I got on the phone with her sister to help with this. Help her destroy things that reminds her of him and stuff like that. That was about a month ago.

 

I sent her a message just checking in, asking how things are going and if she's sticking to NC.... no, she hasn't. She still has pictures of him, still thinks about him and finally, she then tells me that she found out that he married the new girl and they're having a baby.

 

I'm thinking to myself that she should have no idea whats going on with his life and that she should be focused on herself and she's just not doing that. It's been almost 9 months now and it seems that she hasn't healed at all. I know there is absolutely no time table for someone to heal from a break up but I think you should at least be taking steps in that direction. Even if it's the smallest possible step, as long as it's a step forward, thats a good thing. But standing still, and even worse, taking steps back is no good.

 

I don't really care about being with her right now. The most important thing for her is to heal but I just don't know what to do. I know NC would help her, but she's not allowing herself to do it and after 9 months, that not good. Right now it's to the point where it's not even him anymore. She's torturing herself and I want to help her stop. I don't want to give up on her, but it seems that no matter what I recommend, it'll fall on deaf ears. Maybe she'll stick to it for about 2 or 3 days and that it.

 

What makes it even worse is that we were friends. Now we barely talk to each other and we never hang out because of this. She's really depressed and doesn't want to do anything. But at this point, she's doing it to herself. I'm really worried about her. What if anything can I do??? Thanks in advance.

[bhzmafia]

You cant really do anything... just give her time and with any luck, she will one day get over him and you two can go out

 

(btw... if she says she hates him, that doesnt mean she is over him...)

[No Spaces Rob]

The main thing that worries me here is that your friendship with her seems to be suffering. That doesn't sound good.

 

I think it's fairly normal for her to want to know about him. You can't really help her heal, other than to be her friend while she does so.

 

Try not to make her feel bad about what she is doing (looking at his myspace and stuff). It's actually pretty normal, though you could gently point out that she might be making herself feel worse by doing it.

 

But please don't try to put pressure on her to do things or to not do things - let her cope with it as she knows best - it's not abnormal to have trouble coping even after 9 months, plus what you see as 'trouble coping' may just be your perception because you would cope with it differently.

 

Be there for her, and let her talk to you about it all. Listen to what she says, more than telling her what to do. Be there for her, and make her feel comfortable talking to you about it. It may sound bad to you, but it's not all that out of the ordinary. If talking to you helps her, and you want to help, then listen.

 

Of course, if you don't want to be her friend you don't have to. Do what is comfortable, but I would just caution against telling her what to do too much.

[WantToBeLuved]

Yea, it sucks that our friendship is put in the middle of this. I did let her know that she is really hurting herself by doing what she's doing. I more or less suggest to her what she can do to heal. I don't tell her what to do. It just really hurts me to see her the way she is. I'm just trying to do what I can to help the situation. But it seems that there's really nothing I can do. I wish I could just wave a magic wand at her and make her feel better. It's so tough. And being with her right now is the farther thing from my mind. She's not ready and I certainly don't want to be wrapped up in someone that still has someone else on her mind.

[No Spaces Rob]

That sounds sensible. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Everything in that post, if you haven't told her already you could tell her. For instance you could tell her that you wish you could just wave a magic wand at her and make her feel better.

 

Sometimes we need to let people make their own mistakes and get through hardships on their own. All we can do is support them and be there for them when they are feeling down. Even if we can see that they are failing, sometimes people want to get through it on their own. It does hurt.

 

If you have feelings for her I can see how it might be painful for you.