Crippling Pain

[desertnomad]

I still cant get over this crippling pain that I feel everyday. Its been 2 months and I take one step at a time but the pain is still there. I miss my ex very much. I know I loved her and was totally devoted to her. I know she was happy here with me at least sometimes but let other things come in the way. I can still see her smiling face in my mind all the time. And its in stark contrast to a few of the pictures I have seen of her since. It looks like she lost that bright smiling happy go lucky look I knew her to have at least during our free times together. I don’t see that same smiling face. I put my all into us for 4 years despite making my mistakes and I ended up with nothing. I leaned on her financially, emotionally, and socially like I thought she leaned on me. Now all that is gone. The arms that once held her every day are empty and I have not had a hug since she left. I keep thinking what is wrong with me that I could let something get away from me. Or what is wrong with me that I cant get over her. Four years down the drain and nothing to show for it but loneliness in the end. I know it takes time I am just venting. In my experience though time never seemed to heal completely. Not until I found someone else. And finding her I thought was a miracle. There were so many strange things that happened to bring us together. I want to just send her an email but I know I cant and I wont. We drove the same route to work each morning and I still miss her smiles as she waved goodbye to me from her car when I got off at my exit. I am still driving the same route. She is thousands of miles away. She is long gone.

[desertnomad]

I know in the long run maybe just maybe I will be better off. There were things about her that just werent right for a healthy relationship and she wasnt ready to accept any responsibility or do whatever it took as far as her issues were concerned to be a better person. I know though that I did accept her for who she was even though I knew we needed a healthier stronger relationship.

[LONESOUL]

Hi Desertnomad~I'm really sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

I do understand how you feel "crippling pain" is a good way to describe it.

It hurts really deep. Are you forcing yourself to try to do things to get your mind off of her? Are you being good to yourself? (eating right, trying to get enough sleep, excercise?) This is a long process I know, sometimes it feels like

eternity..but I don't think it is. I'm sure you want to send her an e-mail, but will it get you anywhere but hurting worse? I sometimes I want to talk to my ex still (it's been 9 weeks since break up, 2 NC as of today) but you know what? She hurt me really bad, I don't want to open that door again. I WANT to heal, for me. Hang in there.

Any way to change that route to work?

[desertnomad]

Yeah it hurts real deep because I was genuinely committed to her and loyal. She had valid complaints but never gave us a chance to be even better. I would have crawled through a burning building for us and her if it meant being better. What hurt is all the mean things she said to me and about me to other people. Things I know not to be true such as I couldnt 'see past my own eyelashes' and just blamed her for everything but she was the one doing that not me. I lost 35 pounds in 4 weeks but the apetite is back some days. I know sending the ex anything is out of the question I sent enough stuff to try and get her back which of course almost never works. I just thought we were different and she ran of scared cause she has alot of fears. I didnt know she had left with someone else. I think one day if I get over this i will feel sorry for her. She left so much behind including me. I know I was 'true blue' loyal despite my mistakes doesnt that mean anything? thanks

[Fisch]

Hi Desert and Lone,

I am in the same boat as you 2. It has been 5 or 6 weeks and it still hurts every day. I find it is amazing how much one little thing can set me back, and I find that it is really important to be strict with myself. I too want more than anything to just heal. This process is a long one, but it can only get better from here I suppose.

[tobetterdays]

hey,

i feel the same way man. it is horrible. you are not alone.

[desertnomad]

I hope so fisch. I dont know how people can be so coldhearted toward others. We all make mistakes and say things we dont mean in relationships. We get hurt and in turn tend to hurt the other person. Its not right I know but it happens and I can see that I have done better with not saying things I regret. But to up and leave after 4 years without notice is a hard thing to take for anyone

[desertnomad]

And whats really on my mind and I know I am projecting out is the holidays coming up in a few months. I keep telling myself that anything can happen but in my past experience it just didnt. Hope things get better for you soon TBD

[Fisch]

Yea, people really should treat others the way they want to be treated, if they don't it is just selfish. But there are people to love the selfish ones too, surviving a breakup is like surviving the fact that people are not always going to be fair.

[LONESOUL]

I ended up going to the doc for a little help when I could not seem to pull

myself out of the "deep funk" (what else would you call it?) It was all I could think about, focus on. It was CRIPPING PAIN, as you said before. The anti

depressants help me some. But of course that is not going to help everyone.

The doc told me that allot of times what she sees is that the people who were "healthy" (I took this to mean emotionally during the relationship) are the ones who really have a hard time getting over it. Maybe that is because of what we have all said here about loving our ex's so deeply and wanting to make those realtionships work. For me, my ex didn't want the same. I don't want to be hung up on someone who could hurt me so badly anymore. I just don't. I deserve so much better. My ex has ALLOT of issue too, allot, and I feel the same way, one day I will feel sorry for her, but today is not that day.

Today (and a few tomorrrows) are going to be for me, and for healing.

We can get through this, we deserve to get through this, and live wonderful lives.

[Fisch]

Bottom line for me is that, yes even though my ex completely betrayed me and sort of was from the beginning, cheated on me emotionally and with a kiss, even turned out to be a lot different than I thought she was after 1.5 years, she will always hold her own place in my heart. It will hurt for a while, but I know that I will be able to move on and make someone else number one in my life and want that person and nobody else to be number one. I feel that this is not because I didnt absolutely love my ex, rather it is because of who I am.

[desertnomad]

I tried so many anti depressants after my divorce a few years back but I didnt like how they made me feel. It was circumstances that were making me sad not so much chemistry. So they didnt really help me although I know they help some people. I think I was healthier than her. I had alot more to offer on an emotional level than she did. I reminded her of all the good things we had here in an email after she left. She told me she remembered all those things but she also remembered the hurt and pain. Well the greatest hurt and pain was caused by her and it wasnt bad here at all. What relationship is there that there isnt some hurt or stress or pain?

[LONESOUL]

Yeah, then the anti depressants are not for you~I have heard other people

say they made them feel that way as well. Excercise is the natural way

to try to get some of the same results.

You have allot more to offer the new woman you will meet when you have healed from this pain Desert, but first you have to get through this, and grow from it somehow. I am right with you, all of the what if's and the how could she's? I even ask myself did I KNOW her at all? And you know what? Maybe

I did, maybe I didn't. I may never know, but for now I am going to try turn my focus from her, to myself, because you know what? I have to. She is gone and it hurts like H*ll, but I am worth much more then she ever gave me anyway.

[LONESOUL]

Fisch, Knowing who you are a wonderful thing, someone very special may

admire that in you one day. Good for you!

[desertnomad]

I agree LoneSoul. I am worth more too then being kicked to the curb after 4 years just like that. And the strange thing is just two days before she told me she wanted us to go up to meet her family in July (i had never meant them ) because in her words 'your gonna have to meet them sometime' I said fine we will find some time. Then she left with another guy on a roadtrip. I dont understand that. the night before she said she wanted us to be a stronger family. I said ok then lets work on communicating better. We didnt have any big fights just a few issues that popped up. Maybe I didnt know her at all either. She kept claiming in her post breakup emails that 'I never knew her' and was shouting it. I almost found it slightly funny because I knew her well. Just not the side that could do this to me I guess. But your right they are gone and theres nothing we can do about that. I will miss her. The last thing I said to her in person was miss you alot today she said she would miss me to. thats hard to take

[Riggz41510]

I too know how you feel.. its a lonely road.. At times you feel like you have nothing left to give.. You wonder how can a person just up and leave after all this time together?

 

I know this may sound harsh..But I don't wish my ex well.. I don't hope she gets to be happy.. I want her to feel the same pain that I feel.. I want the next guy to tear out her heart and step on it!!

[desertnomad]

Some times I feel like I dont want 'good' things for her some times I just felt sorry for her. I loved her so much I dont want bad things to happen to her but its hard some times to wish her well and be honest about it

[LONESOUL]

We're human. We feel hurt and betrayed by the one person we thought would

be there for us. I think what we are feeling, pretty much ALL of it is normal,

including everything from not wishing them well, to not wishing them harm

and everything in between. But for me, it has to STOP here and now, my focus need not be on wishing her ANYTHING. Going over it and over it in your mind is normal too I think, but I have come to the point now where I know it just isn't doing me any good doing that. Where is it getting me? Here I am

still trying to figure out what went wrong and she's up and moved on and enjoying (maybe?) her life for now. Thats bullcrap. I am the one who gave their heart and soul, time, money, etc to this relationship...only to have it

end with me broken hearted and with me feeling abused and unloved. To heck with that. She didn't love me enough, and she is moved on. That's

a fact. Maybe one of the most painful facts I will ever have to face and accept, but it is what it is and I have to believe that I too have something

very special to offer the RIGHT person~so for now I need to be taking care of me, so I can do that someday.

[Fisch]

Thanks Lonesoul, your response and other posts are very encouraging, same to all of you.

[desertnomad]

Another day another struggle. Miss her alot today. We really did get along so much of the time. The drama was limited to the occasional argument but then of course it always had the potential to turn into armageddon. I was always afraid of her drama and her walking away if we had an argument about her lying about some internet chat or something. But that was rare to fight. I miss her alot even though I doubt she ever even thinks about me except to curse the day she met me. I dont know why I did so much for her and we had so much of a future here. if it wasnt for finding someone else to tell her bad side what it wanted to hear she would still be with me today. I am sure of that.I know I crowded her occasionally and sometimes tried to live vicariously through her if she did something fun and my day stunk. Those were issues of mine. I really just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her in our off times because it was just fun compared to the stress of work and school. She never complained. Wow I thought we were special especially after all the struggles we went through.

[LONESOUL]

Hi Desert, sorry it's starting out as another rough one. Yesterday was like that for me. Keep going over it and over it in your head like a bad movie don't you? I know. And you need to reflect sometimes, it true. But at some point you should try to stop doing that~I know for me, the movie always ends

the same way, with me hurt and confused. The answers I may never know. period. My ex and I were either awesome together (when life was fun and stress was low) OR we were like

oil and water. When it was good, it was great, when it was bad it was like well...you said armageddon. We didn't fight too much either, but that was because I was always walking on egg shells not to upset her, or deal with her drama. It sounds to me like maybe you were allot like me and you just gave too much, sacraficed too much for HER happiness, almost like making her happy was what made you happy. Thats how it was for me. But the thing is

she didn't really even try to make me happy. I guess that wasn't really her job anyway.

All the time along I should have been trying to make myself happy, and she should have been doing the same for herself...I think when that happens that is when you really have something~thats a real realtionship~when both people are happy as individuals and then come together to love and support one another with acceptance.

I wonder sometimes too if she ever thinks about me. Desert, we just don't know. My guess would be yes, how could she not after all those years?

But, the real question is, How often are you and I and the others here thinking about ourselves? Becuase that is who needs YOU right now Desert, YOU. Not your ex, she's okay (and if shes not...I know it sounds harsh but oh

well, right now that is not your probelm.) This is hard, it is very very hard.

But the reality is she is gone for now~we have no control over that. (and do you really want someone back who could hurt you like this??) You have to start caring about YOU. You hang in there now, and post as often as you need. Tons of support here!!

[desertnomad]

yep just like a bad movie and yeah It ends up with me being very confused..guess its partly my brain that doesnt want to accept reality and partly just her craziness in how she went about things in the end. I was worried about upsetting her and walking on egg shells but then she would say the same thing about her with me. Its hard to make someone happy when they never express themselves though. Me and my ex both had our issues thats for sure and I know I had hurt her some with things I said a year or two before but I would not have left her like she left me. there was more good than bad by far. Thanks for the support

[desertnomad]

It definetly is very very hard though. She had alot of hurt inside of her and I am afraid over the 4 years I added some to that with the stupid things we can say in a relationship during fights. She did give out as good as she got but I am not justifying my stuff. I am not responsible for all her problems and hurt either. Just like she isnt for mine. She cant use her hurt to justify cheating and lying on me.

[LONESOUL]

Desert, no one is perfect. You are no exception. You were not perfect in your

last relationship and you will not be perfect in the next one..but you can be better. First we must learn and grow. You can't do that if you keep sowing

seeds in the same ole played out dirt. All of the nutriants have been sucked up in that dirt, nothing can grow there right now. It needs to be refertalized.

Please begin to try to focus on you.

What sort of things did you enjoy before 4 years ago? What were you goals then? Do you remember a time when you and your ex were together and you really wanted to do something but couldn't because of her? Hanging out with the guys or joining a sports team or..think~push her out of your head and think about you. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

She hurt you bad, I can tell from your posts, and I am not making light of that at all. I KNOW it seems nearly impossible sometimes to move on. But it

only SEEMS that way~it feels like that right now to us...but it isn't.

She wasn't perfect, and she wasn't perfect for you~or she would not have hurt you. But if you allow yourself to heal, and stop beating yourself up,

you will be so much better for the right woman who may be right around the corner.

[desertnomad]

Well 4 years ago I was still getting over a divorce and this relationship kind of just fell into my lap. I wasnt looking for it. I thought she was my second chance. . Yeah she hurt me bad. I thought we were going in the right direction finally after some tough times. I try not to beat myself up to much and take the advice I find in the forums. I know I am never going to get forgiveness from her she could never forgive. I had told her that we could go for ten years perfectly without a fight and then one fight and that would be it she would come down on me like a ton of bricks or try to end the relationship. She never had anything to say to that. She never shouted but I had never met someone so cold as her when having an argument or so unwilling to forgive. Some of our fights got to borderline ridiculous and I wanted to start laughing because I realized that we were being stupid. But she wasnt the same. I hope there is someone right around the corner. Never thought to be in this position in my late thirties. But your right we have to focus on what we are doing not what happened in the past. Thanks LS