is he confused and starting to realise?

[Ammie]

my bf for one and a half years broke up with me over a month ago. The reason being is that he doesn't want a relationship right now, it's been too much and too much for him as I was too clingy. Now we only see each other once or twice a week we talk on the phone sometimes. To tell you the truth, I've never had better days just yet since the day he ended our relationship. We're both 23 and still at uni, have our own things to do. He came away wanting no relationship, not even with anyone right now. I know he has no one else. I told him I'd wait till he is ready. He wants to be friends for now but he said he doesn't think that the next person is going to be me. He said he doesn't love me now, he has no control over these sort of feelings, LOVE. He said he really did love me and he didn't just stop loving me. It's been a while, I was too clingy and wanting him all the time with me. That's the ready he pulled away so hard. Anyway, we still catch up... as friends but we've had sex a couple of times. And today I'd been thinking all day that I hate chasing after him, it makes me look like a loser makes me look stupid and I should not be doing it. I am not going to call, if he wants to call me he will call me. And surprisingly, I got sms from him. I shouldn't have called back I was thinking but it was too late as I was already on the phone with him. He said he was feeling pretty tense and depressed and wanted to talk to someone and that someone must be me. He feels comfortable talking to me as I do to him. He says he doesn't love me though, but I don't know. But yeah we ended up having sex again, I guess we're both pretty lonely at this stage. I don't feel bad with what happened tonight though. I am not hurt either but the only thing would hurt me is that he goes away thinking that it was bad. But then again I am asking myself, why should I care about what he is thinking about. Do you guys think that he just needs a company and sex from me. I think he does anyway, I just need other opinions. Does he need me in a way? Obviously he was thinking about me so I don't know. Anyway hope it is not too boring. By the way, he is a nice nice guy, maybe he wants to spend times to himself for a while. Today he said that our relationship was a good one, a real good one. But yeah I don't know why he ended it or he just needs a bit more time to figure out what he wants. And during those times, Should I stay out of it? Should I just not see him for a while till he realises it or something. Anyway Thanks guys.

 

Ammie

[smiles314]

im sorry!!!! i suggest that u justt go on with ur life.. Play the game.... ignore him and just act like u dont care..and he will come at you, and start to miss what is nto around anymore.. It worked for me big time.. And iw ouldnt have sex with him again, it just hurt me when i did it. And he should work for something like that.

[zerohour]

Ammie,

 

Thanks for sharing your situation. It sounds pretty familiar, believe it or not.

 

I hate to say this, but I think you've made a couple of mistakes in handling this situation. First, realize that after a breakup, both people (even the one who did the breaking) are still going to have feelings for the other person. But obviously you can't endulge these feelings, otherwise a breakup would just be a codeword for creating another "casual sex partner." You needed to cut off the sex when he cut off the relationship--you can't let him both have you sexually and not have to commit to you. It's like having your cake and eating it too... so to speak.

 

You need to figure out what you really want out of this situation. Do you really like this guy? Really? Because telling him you will wait for him is not a very good way to go about getting him back, believe it or not. By starting to move on with your life, you will force him to evaluate what he thinks of you. He will feel that he needs to get his act together and make a decision before he loses you completely. Of course, you have to be prepared for the possibility that he will end up deciding that you two shouldn't be together--and in all seriousness, it sounds like that's what he will probably decide.

 

But who cares? It's better to know where you stand than to live in breakup purgatory--which is what it sounds like you're going through now.

 

Also realize that a month is not enough time to get over a serious relationship like you had. You are both going to have days when you really miss the other person, and what finally gets you over the other person is having to fight through all of the bad days. If he gets to come and have sex with you every time he starts to miss you, he's not going to be able to move on like he should, and in the meantime, he's going to be sending you all kinds of mixed signals--you're going to have no idea how he feels.

 

Just realize this: missing the other person (and wanting to be with them physically, and even emotionally) is completely normal for both people after a breakup. But, unfortunately, it doesn't mean that he wants to get back together with you--it's just proof that he's still not completely over the relationship.

 

I would recommend you each give yourself a couple months to get over the other person entirely, and if things start back up again on their own, then so be it. But don't set out with the hope that someday you two will get back together--because then you're preventing yourself from actually getting over him. And also, cut out the sex ASAP. I know it's nice (for both of you, I'm sure) to be with eachother again, but in the long run, you're only hurting yourself and postponing the "getting over eachother" phase. (It's called getting over eachother, not getting on eachother ).

 

Hope that helps some. Best of luck!

 

-Zer0