what next.

[danman4968]

so i find out shes been partying drinking having sex...all that...which i kind of figured...but now i know. she was always so quiet and soft spoken...although she did like to drink... Why is she a whole new person, she looks at our breakup as an "about time" deal... and hell noone else disagrees, shes beautiful, could get any guy she wanted to. how do i hurdle this...its been almost a month, i keep breaking NC, i want to get past it...what next?

[lozic21]

You have to keep with NC and don't even try to find out what she's doing, let alone know if she's having sex...so don't ask your or her friends (or whoever told you about her "new ways"). It's sooooo hard I know, but it seems like its the only way to move on.

[Allie.]

hey buddy,

NC is having NO contact with that person. That means, tell your close friends that you don't want to HEAR about her. Don't go surfing on her myspace or wherever you're getting this information about her partying up and being wild from. CUT THAT CONNECTION OFF.

 

Let me give you an analogy as to what you're doing...okay, lemmi ask you this...would you ever arm-wrestle if your arm was broken? Of course not! Then WHY are you doing it with your heart? Why are you chasing after something that hurts tryin to harm yourself even more bud? Don't do it. Cut off all sources of connection. The people who you keep in contact with...make it clear to them...that you don't want to hear anything about her or see any of her latest pictures...etc.

 

Another thing about NC. My friend, gaiden, gave me some great advice...he asked his dad advice for getting his girlfriend back...and...

Dad: Well, how often do you think of the spare tire in the back of your car?

Gaiden: only when i need it.

Dad: exactly.

How on earth is your girlfriend going to miss you when you're always there?! Stop breaking NC! She has already assumed that you're going to try to not talk to her and th en come right back and talk to her because thats what you've been doing. Let her miss you. DO NC!

 

Always,

Allie.

[danman4968]

thank you for your advice allie...after readind alot of posts ive decided to challenge myself to 30 days NC, and that includes not sneeking a peek at her myspace or anything...Great advice your friends dad gave as well. Thanks.

[Allie.]

good. baby steps.

[brando]

Yeah Allie seems to have a point about her spare tire analogy.

 

Its time you heal, release the pain, and accept the things that are now in front of you.

 

Do the things you always wanted to do.. Have fun, live ife. Don't worry about what she is doing..worry what you will do.

 

be well,

brando

[danman4968]

yea, i keep hearing to move on, and not worry about her...but is that possible? i mean moving on will come with time...but to not worry about her or think about her and to do things that i want, how do i get her off my mind?

[Krypt]

You don't get them off your mind. So don't think you can. You can distract your mind by doing things like going out with friends, find hobbies, work, etc. But if you can Man UP and not talk to her then it WILL get much easier week after week. I've been NC for over a month now and I still think about her but don't feel those sad feelings any longer, and have no desire to ever see her again. They already did what they thought was best for them, it's time YOU did what's best for you. I hope u can keep up with NC cause that's your only savior.

[No Spaces Rob]

would you ever arm-wrestle if your arm was broken? Of course not! Then WHY are you doing it with your heart?

Hey that was a really great analogy!

 

I'm going to write it down.

 

Thanks

[No Spaces Rob]

yea, i keep hearing to move on, and not worry about her...but is that possible? i mean moving on will come with time...but to not worry about her or think about her and to do things that i want, how do i get her off my mind?

 

Lots of people say that. Don't worry that too much. I know how impossible it is to get her out of your mind.

 

It's going to be tough, I won't lie to you. Smile more, and genuinely try to have fun. And when you think of her, think of one reason why remaining friends with her would be a bad idea, then move on.

 

For instance, when I think of B, I think "well, remaining friends would be a bad idea because she could never communicate". Or sometimes I'll think "well, remaining friends would be a bad idea because I've been hurt". Just one little fact each time. Then smile, think something good about yourself like "I'm still a wonderful person, and anybody else would be lucky to know me", and then go back to whatever you were doing - tennis, computer game, driving, whatever.

[danman4968]

ill definetely try that, thanks for the advice. So i did pretty good yesterday...not even 1 peek at her myspace.

[danman4968]

i guess what i want to hear is, wait this long, and do this...and she will probably come back...and its hard to not know what shes thinking. Isnt it a bit tough for one day to be totally normal then the next be tired of things and be off with someone else? Does that really ever happen, wont she miss me and want me back sooner or later?

[danman4968]

grrrrr i already cracked...couldnt resist the urge to look at the myspace, funny thing is that there was nothing new to see...i feel dumb now.

[No Spaces Rob]

In time you will stop waiting for her to come back.

 

If it's causing you pain, then it's bad for you. If trying to reach out to her, even just to view her myspace page, hurts you, then you need to stop trying that or you'll hurt yourself further.

 

For instance you could remind yourself next time "I don't need to look at her myspace account because she is in my past." And you can then follow it up with something positive like, "I am a clever and intelligent man and any woman could see that if I let her".

 

Don't feel dumb for cracking though. You're not dumb. You're just hurt. See the positive though. You're hurt, because you have the ability to love someone. That ability will make you, and a special someone, very happy one day.

 

Isnt it a bit tough for one day to be totally normal then the next be tired of things and be off with someone else?

The reality is, things weren't totally normal for her perspective. She is likely to have bottled it up for a while before you found out about it. It's how it works - she didn't want to hurt you until she was sure of her decision, and although that seems really quite cruel to you, it happened and there isn't anything you can do to change it. Not everyone will do the same to you. You'll find someone who won't.

[danman4968]

im really not TRYING to wait for her, if thats what it seems...but i just cant help but think she will come back whether it be in a few weeks or a few months. I dont want to wait for her, and i want to move on, but im just not sure what exactly to do. Ive taken every bit of advice ive been given, written it down, or saved it on my computer and look at it several times a day...

[danman4968]

its very difficult to let go of hope...any suggestions on how i could simply let go of what is seemingly inevitable, to me atleast.

[No Spaces Rob]

I don't know if I can help you with that, but I can at least reassure you that what you're going through is normal.

 

It will take a long time, and you will continue to think about what could have been. Just keep reminding yourself that even though you are grieving for all the times you imagined you would have with her in the future, they wouldn't have been possible anyway. You got hurt. It's a fairly clear indication that she is not the one, even though you still love her deep down.