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Is this the right pace?


Rapunzelle
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Met this guy July 21st. Right away he expressed he would like to get to know me better. A week and a few days later he called me (I thought after a few days that he would never call but he did). Then he called me again about a week later asking me if we could get together that week, and we did (on Aug. 9th). We ended up staying together until 4 AM (no, - no hanky panky) . We went for drinks til 1:30 am approx then to my house for another beer and talked a lot.

 

Then we talked again on the phone the next night, he called to say he really enjoyed last night etc. Then a few days later (This past Saturday Aug. 12) he called to plan a date for next weekend to go out dancing.

 

On a side note, within that time frame he had his grandparents visit for a bit over a week, then his father, so 2 weekends out of the whole time he spent time with them. He lives about 40 minutes away too. We are both 38.

 

At one point we were talking about the dating scene and dating games etc, and all of sudden he bluntly told me that he was not playing any games. I asked him what he was looking for (just wanted to know if he just wanted casual dates or something a bit more serious, but was surprised with his answer).. he blurted out .. I'm looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life with.. matter-of-factly.

 

I don't know if he was being honest, but he sure seemed not to be joking. I'm just wondering if everything taken into consideration, and him taking his time like this is a good sign or not. (if we go out this weekend it will be three dates in a month). The first call was a long time coming, but then, he seems to be calling a bit more frequently.. first call was on July 24th, the he called another time after that, we had a date, and called twice since our date last wednesday. Your thoughts?

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I think that if that's what he told you, and you feel he is a person that can be trusted, then that is exactly what he means. At your ages, I find it likely that he would know what he is looking for in a relationship, so don't think it odd that he answered the way he did. By stating that he is not playing games, he was making an overture to let you know that he was serious where you were concerned. It takes courage to let someone know where they stand, whether if it is for something casual or something long-term, as it is risking rejection. However, the fact that he did so, I think reflects positively on him.

 

The pace that he is setting does not seem unreasonable. If you have a desire for greater contact, then make that known.

 

It's still early and he seems willing to be pretty blunt with his answers. So, talk to him about it. A good discussion to have at some point is the one that goes like "Do you think we are seeing enough of each other?"

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Thanks NJ Ron, I get that feeling as well. Yes I would like to see a bit more of him, but fear turning him off or scaring him off. I'm just not sure how to broach the subject without appearing needy or too anxious.

 

I was just thinking saying something along the line of 'you seem like the kind of guy who likes to take things slow?'.. I dunno. I'm really interested in this guy, I don't want to blow it.

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Hmm... instead of starting with a supposition you might go the question route as I suggested and let him answer the question himself. Like he has demonstrated, it doesn't seem as if he is terribly afraid of being forthright.

 

Asking an open ended question leads the way for discussion... stating an observation that may or may not be true can lead to defensiveness and is much harder to get an honest response from. You know what they say about "assuming"

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Thank you for your suggestions. I might bring it up when I feel it is appropriate, maybe not on our upcoming third date (I'm afraid that might be too soon I don't know) but I'll consider the option.

 

I guess I'm just rather curious to see how most men think or behave when they are interested in a woman, if it is normal for men to take their time etc.. that is why I posted all the details of our contacts so far.

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I think every man is different, and even given those differences, they are different in each relationship. You can't know unless you discuss it with him and observe. You are probably right in the fact that the third date is a little soon to talk about that. For my part, it depends way too much for any opinion of mine to be of much help. It's entirely a function of his feelings for you and what he feels is appropriate.

 

Best of luck.

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I think that for a guy that is older (over 35) that has anything going on in his life, the pace sounds normal. I often do not contact more than about once a week, maybe a more often if we are trying to make plans. It isn't that I'm trying to play it cool or anything, but I have a lot of other stuff going on, and the kinds of women I'm attracted to also have busy lives. So, bottom line is that if you don't think he is contacting you as much as you'd like, I don't believe that is a bad sign (in spite of that famous book to the contrary...) Also, from my perspective, there is nothing wrong with the women initiating some of the contact... most of the women I date do their fair share of that. As/if things progress, then in my experience contact becomes daily or every other day.

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We had a good honest talk last night, he stressed that he wanted me to feel free to say anything that was on my mind, so we had a good discussion and turns out we are exactly on the same page as to how we feel about each other and how we want to get to know each other, and about exclusivity etc. I had called him just when he was getting ready to call me with the intention of asking me if he could come over one night this week to watch a movie together. I am very happy.

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Hey that's my line!! Happy Joy Joy is right ha ha- Feel like doing the happy dance.. (knock on wood) he he. I hope things keep going in the right direction.

 

Thanks for sharing in my happiness.. This honest talk and its happy outcome happened in part thanks to your feedback you know? Especially the part about "Like he has demonstrated, it doesn't seem as if he is terribly afraid of being forthright.". I decided that you were right, so far in the little time we've spent together the openness between us seemed obvious, we are both very straightforward. He has again demonstrated the same thing last night.

 

Thanks again NJRon

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