We don't spend time together

[ncriverrat]

Hi,

Found this forum through google, since I have nothing better to do because I'm home alone.

Well let's see, I'm 22 and married. My husband works a lot, and there is very little time for us to see each other. I see him for about 3 hours max each night during the week, but he has to eat dinner, shower, etc. during that time too. So that leaves the weekends.

He never wants to do anything with me on the weekends, and if he does, it's either too expensive for us to afford, or it always has to be with his friends too. He worked all yesterday, and we went for a hike in the afternoon. I wanted to spend time with him today and get some stuff done around the house we bought. He instead goes to the lake with one of his friends, and says he will be back soon. Then he calls me and tells me he just wants to stay there all night, and call out sick for work tomorrow.

I don't think that's the best idea so we start arguing. I just feel so alone. I don't want to stay here at the house by myself, and I thought we could spend time with each other this afternoon. Also, I do EVERYTHING around the house, and I could really use some help.

I feel tired of trying to compete with his friends for a little time with him. I cook, I clean, I try to do things to help us, and I know he works a lot, but not spending time together is really hurting our relationship.

I feel as each day goes by, we are becoming more and more distant. We never have conversations, just the usual 'how was your day' stuff.

I'm actually starting to doubt that getting married was the best decision for me. And I hate that I feel this way. When I think thoughts like this I feel guilty.

Any advice? thanks in advance!

[hardcharger]

One of the problems with getting married early is guys have lots of unattached friends and at that stage of their life many of them seem to prefer spending time with their friends than their wives. I did the same thing, unfortunately, and caught a deep fishing bug in my late 20's. You communicated well in your post and you seem to be on the right track with your attitude. Of course, you are going to have to talk to him, and you have every right to, and you are going to have to ask him to compromise somehow, without being a nag, or turning into one. That could be the hard part. You have to find some common ground, going out for dinners, finding TV shows in common at home, games, mutual couples, maybe just try to find one little thing that you can do together to add to your relationship. Even in my late 40's, I found a few things that my wife and I can do together and that helps, even though we are worlds apart in many ways. Good luck. Try to hold off on the babies until you feel your marriage is more stable. And always remember, marriage is tough for most of us.

[ncriverrat]

Thank you for the reply.

I was in a very bad realationship for 5 years in the past. So I've seen how bad relationships can get, and I'm so scared to even think about this relationship ending up like that.

 

My husband is 21. He doesn't have a ton of friends, but the ones he has, it's like he always wants to do something with them. He'll say things like "well i've only got to hang out with him a few times lately" and I can't help but think "well you've not hung out with me either". I feel like he is choosing them over me. I hate feeling this way, I mean I'm not like "it's either them or me" but I have told him that I think, in a marriage, that spending time with his wife should come first. Which doesn't mean hanging out with me all the time, but if I am the woman he has committed his life to, I'd like to find a balance.

 

I try to talk to him and he just doesn't listen. I know most females would say their man 'doesn't listen' but he honestly doesn't. If I talk to him I can tell he's more focused on the t.v. or whatever than to what I'm saying. He does NOT like to talk about relationship issues either. I'm sure if I said 'hey lets have sex' he would somehow hear me, but if I say 'something is bothering me' he magically ignores it.

 

I know what you mean about being a nag. I do feel like it at times. Although if we could just sit down, and talk about it, I would leave it be. I feel like I nag because we never talk about the real issue.

 

I think part of our problem is that we're different. I hate watching t.v. I LOVE being outdoors- hiking, the river, you name it. I would rather hang out with my husband than with my friends for the most part. I brought up the idea of the hike yesterday, and we went, and he said he had fun. I thought it was great. We hiked for 10 miles and it went well. But I feel that he uses time with me as an excuse- kind of like "well we spent time together yesterday so I'm going to spend the day and night with dave". I don't know if I'm being selfish. He did go hike with me, but I wanted to spend time with him today too, seeing as how I rarely get to see him during the week.

 

I know we're not ready for children yet. I wanted to get married and spend time with my husband before babies, but we're not even spending time together anymore. I know marriage is tough, but it hurts to feel this way. I know everybody feels like this at times, but I feel as though we are going downhill. It's not what I want. I don't want my marriage to fail, but if things don't improve I can't see myself being like this forever.

 

Our problems have gotten a little worse lately because of something that happened a few weeks ago. I'm not over it, but we never discussed it properly(of course).

 

And I think I'm angry. I'm angry that he's not here, that we're young and life is passing us by, without us spending time together and enjoying each other. I hate being angry, and I hate it when anger just builds and builds.

 

Thank you for listening!

[hardcharger]

Things aren't going to good with him, there is only so much of the situation that you can change. Why not work on yourself, take up a new form of exercise, read some positive thinking book, leave yourself open to the possibility of some volunteer work and wait for it to appear, find places that you can give of yourself and improve yourself. It might make you feel better about things overall. Look at your house, organize it, clean it - just try to keep doing things that you know will move your life in a positive direction. This may or may not help him, but in the meantime you will have a better feeling about yourself that you are in control. Get some books on marriage from Amazon(you can always resell them). If you have some major problems in your life, now is a good time to work on them.

 

I have a similar situation, I'm totally outdoorsey and my wife could care less. We live in the country in a spectacular setting, but my wife has not real appreciation for it. She watches alot of TV and read fiction.(but has good community involvement). But we make it work, even with our differences.

[ncriverrat]

Hi everyone,

I wrote my husband a letter last night, which is easier for me to explain my feelings, since I know he'll read a letter.

He just called from work and told me that he read my letter, and that he wants to sit down and talk about it tonight. He sounded serious, but I've heard this from him before and things get better then things get bad again. But hopefully he will follow through this time.

Thank you all for the advice, I read and thought about all of it, and it really helped me!

[RayKay]

Hey riverrat.....

 

Welcome to the forums

 

You are very young, but seem very level headed about this, which is great

 

I can definitely understand how you feel kind of alone....I think the thing here is also not so much "lack of time" (because I can say many couples are lucky to find 3 hours a night with work, hobbies, kids, etc!) but maybe the lack of quality time?

 

It sounds like you two have rather different lifestyles, and I think this can complicate things too because while maybe to him sitting together and watching tv is 'time spent together' to you...it probably does not feel that way?

 

Like you, I am very active and outdoorsy, and know how bonding that time together outside (camping, mountain biking, running..whatever) can be without distractions of tv either!

 

At 21, it sounds like right now maybe he takes you kind of for granted...since you are married he figures you will be there when he gets home, and he can go out. Did he move in directly with you from home (with his parents)? It may be some of that mentality left over where at home with his parents he did as he pleased and came home and they were there...he may feel that with you too. Not to bash youth of course, but sometimes at that age....the realities of marriage are not fully understood. It is an adjustment, and a surprise that it is not just an extended sleepover

 

I think it is very important that both of you are on the same wavelength about what marriage means to you, and what effort it requires. You do NOT have to like all the same things, or spend all free time together, but yes, that balance is important. My partner and I share many similar passions (for the outdoors, fitness) but we also have our own things we do apart from one another. We have a healthy (to us) mix of time together and apart, but it is very important to us to have that quality time. Without making quality time, I can see you getting resentful and both of you drifting apart.

 

Good luck, and please keep us updated on what occurs during your conversation this evening.