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Venting once again... thoughts welcome


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This could be PMS, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe that "one time of the month" is the one TRUTH-telling time of the month. When you really understand what's going on.

 

Well, I'm falling. I'm high up on this tight rope, walking uneasily. Haven't fallen, yet. And it feels as though if I could just get to the other side, I'd be GREAT. Everything would be perfect. I'd be okay. But there's this gravity pulling me... back, and down. Please let me get to the other side unscathed.

 

Yeah, big metaphors and all-- for this one problem: ME. Me before, and me after. I want to fix myself, and I'm on my way. But I keep looking down. I keep looking at my broken past. Who I DON'T want to be. I don't want to go back to being that extremely insecure person. Everyone affecting me. JERKS affecting me! I couldn't see past the idea that there must be something wrong with me if they are giving me that idea. Couldn't see that I'm actually okay.

 

And the problem. The fear. What scares me is... I think I'm moving backwards... becoming that person again. It's a constant struggle, and I'm so scared.

 

Was I too vague? If anyone wants to comment, go right ahead please.

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First off: Theres nothing wrong with you. Thats just your normal monthly moody period.

Second: The moon is only reflected flawlessly by the most calm of waters

Third, this might be a bit sketchy so i submit it as an opinion: You might not be willing to let go of who you were because you feel more secure in it. This new healthy you has so many things different to what you're used to. It's much easier psychologically speaking to regress to an apparently more stable state, even if that means damaging circumstances. This is why when you bump your head (at least me anyway) and when you get angry about it, people who are just trying to help annoy you greatly. This is also why if you're having a bad day you dont want to be cheered up, you're secure in the solidity of feeling the way you are. It isnt a limbo where you could swing one way or the other. It's sadness, or anger, and you know you're sad, or you know your angry, and that makes it so much easier to cope with.

 

Either that, or you have nothing better to do that look introspectively, which i find leads to cicular thoughts that lead to depression/anxiety.

 

Yes, it was vague as well

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Well, at least i've found. When i'm bored, i get depressed. Lets take a random scenario:

I am hungry, i want to eat something

You're hungry again? You were hungry 2 hours ago.

Well i'm still hungry

You're always hungry, you might have a problem with this.

I know i'll just not eat

Thats unhealthy, you're an unhealthy person you should excersize

But i dont want to

You never want to, you never want to do anything see you're doing it again, talking to yourself

Hmm, i am indeed

You're talking to yourself, only crazy people talk to themselves

 

It's a built in negetivity that comes with alot of people. If you take the result of an abstract thought and run it through your own thought processes, it'll come out with a negetive outcome. If you run that outcome through your thought processes again, it'll get even more negetive. You started out with being worried about things, then ended up with you slipping back into who you used to be.

 

Edit:

Just try to remember your emotions go wacky around your period, and when they do theres no possible way you can visualize and analyze the world around you accurately, it's filtered through said wacky emotions. Also, try to halt those thoughts of slipping back. The more you forget who you used to be the better you'll end up. And for those who'll say "who she used to be is her legacy": theres no value in remembering something that is non critical, and essentially damaging to her future.

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I used to talk to myself alot (internally), i still do in fact. Before it was a destructive sort of thing, voicing rediculous doubts and fears. Now it's a really useful tool for seperating conflicting opinions about things. (it sounds stupid, but i'll play "the guy who thinks a" and my thoughts will play "the guy who thinks b"

Anywho, I digress. Just try to push those kind of thoughts from your head, they have no business occupying your attention.

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I used to have a friend who was convinced that while she was pregnant, she was seeing things much more clearly, as they really are. That's what our hormones want us to think- when in fact it's usually the opposite. Are people truly insensitive, annoying, and horrible? No, but that's what they seem like when I'm having PMS. It's really hard to convince myself otherwise, too. But I am getting better at it I should have it mastered my menopause.

 

I hope that helps even a little bit.

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