I like her, she likes me, but doesn't want to be more than friends? Need Help!

[noko]

Sorry in advance if this is long winded or hard to understand, but i'll try and explain as best i can. Any help that anyone could give would be really great.

 

Ok so over the past few months i've been hanging out with this girl within a group of mutual friends. Druing that time she flirted with me alot but because of her type of personality i didn't know if she was just joking around or serious. Anyway, eventually she told me she liked me, but that she thought it was no big deal. We kept on hanging out and chatting on online and i also let her know that i liked her as well. Every time we chatted, we would both tease each other alot and flirt around, and i would give her compliments too (too which she would always get embaressed). So the other night, the conversation eventually got to me asking if she would want to be more than just friends. She said she was considering it before, but because of a recent relationship that she was hurt by, she didn't want to be in one right now, and she didn't want to risk ruining our friendship. She still said she still likes me though and that she still wants to hang out all the time.

So i guess the problem is, what the hell do i do? I do really like her, and i do value the friendship, but now that told her this, it seems it would be awkward to keep hanging out. Should i bother trying to have a chance with this girl? Should i keep hanging out with her? Or should i play it cool and not talk to her as much anymore? i'm so confused about all of this!

Once again, any advice would be really appreciated, cos i hav no idea hahahaha!

[theproman23]

Well first of all you gotta figure out if this girl is worth all the trouble? I mean if possible put aside all the feeling you have for her and decide if she's the person for you. If the answer is yes then you just stick with it and see where it goes or do it till you become uncomfortable with the whole thing. Personally I would take time to stop thinking about her as more than a friend. If it's time you need you should do it to heal and think of her as just a friend from now on. You have to forget that things could be more which will make it a lot easier to heal. If you feel you'll be ok and be able to be around with out losing your mind then just do it, remember a good friend is hard to come by so if you think you can handle it be her friend while thinking about what you want.

[noko]

I think she's worth the trouble but i'm not sure. I told her i still wanted to hang out as well, but i don't really want to keep fooling myself that something will happen if you know what i mean. I thought maybe if i paid less attention she might change her mind? i can't really see that happening, but everyone seems to say that giving a girl less attention after you've given them alot usually makes them think twice?

[Yvette84]

hhmm......well I JUST got out of this EXACT same situation a few weeks ago, except I was on the girls end. I told him those exact things she told you. But what it really meant, was....."I do like you and you're a great guy, BUT I'm not that into you...or thatattratced to you" because if she was, there would be NO excuses! if her feelings were that strong, she'd be with you. So what happened with me, was we kept hanging out and he kept trying to get me to like him by being super nice and attentive and trying to spend a ton of time together ALL the time, and I felt suffocated and preassured!

point is. it ended up awkward and he got really frustrated and hurt because I didn't want to go further but he felt like I was "leading him on" like it sounds like this girl is because of the things she said and the flirting. It's like she can tell you one thing, but he actions say another and it will get harder for you to just stay friends. And imagin if she does start dating another guy...would you be able to deal with that??? it gets complicated, I'm not saying she is doing the same thing I am for the same reasons, but either way, it gets complicated. We tried to be "just friends" but it was too hard for him.

[theproman23]

Well if you feel you given her too much attention, back off for a while and see what happeneds. I mean don't be a jerk about it but let her call you and make plans not the other way around. I broke up with my ex a month ago and I think I smothered her. Since she dumped me she's made all the contact and has been asking me to hang out with her, although just as friends it's nice to get some attention back from her. If you feel you can't be friends with her don't beat around the bush and let her know straight out how you feel. There's not point in hiding how you feel cause you should'nt have to do that. Be who you are comfortable being and most of all be honest cause that'll make things easier for both of you.

[noko]

Thats kind of the impression that i got from it. But she if she knew that i liked her and didn't want anything to come from it, why would she keep being flirty with me? I don't think i have he heart to just not be friends with her anymore. It will be hard to not hang out with her because of mutual friends.

[theproman23]

Well some girls are just flirts and they never see why that's so unfair. To them it's just innocent but they don't understand how guys take flirting to be. Yes there are occasions when the flriting is mutual and inocent between the two parties but usually flirting is not innocent for guys. If you feel you can't be just friends with her make it clear to her and if she gets mad then that's her loss. Think about what you want and when it's your heart that can be hurt it's ok be to selfish as long as you are fair about it.

[noko]

Well if you feel you given her too much attention, back off for a while and see what happeneds. I mean don't be a jerk about it but let her call you and make plans not the other way around. I broke up with my ex a month ago and I think I smothered her. Since she dumped me she's made all the contact and has been asking me to hang out with her, although just as friends it's nice to get some attention back from her. If you feel you can't be friends with her don't beat around the bush and let her know straight out how you feel. There's not point in hiding how you feel cause you should'nt have to do that. Be who you are comfortable being and most of all be honest cause that'll make things easier for both of you.

 

Thats kind of what i want to do, but i'm afraid that i'll hurt her feelings. She was concerned that i was only hanging out with her and chatting in hopes of getting together with her. I told her that reglardless of my feelings i still liked hanging out. If i suddenly stop hanging out with her, or stop chatting to her, that will just prove her point more, which isn't the case. And whats more, she was giving me a lot of attention in the first place. messaging me, telling me to come online and talk, that sort of thing.

[theproman23]

Well remember she wants something different that what you want. You sound like a nice guy so ure willing to sacrifice how you feel in order not to hurt her. I am going through something similar with my ex. Remember it's ok to be selfish and think about yourself and how you feel. Tell her exactly how you feel and don't hide it. Ofcourse if you just disappear with out any warning it will definetly hurt her so be honest and do what needs to be done and believe me it will be easier for both of you in the LONG RUN.

[noko]

Well remember she wants something different that what you want. You sound like a nice guy so ure willing to sacrifice how you feel in order not to hurt her. I am going through something similar with my ex. Remember it's ok to be selfish and think about yourself and how you feel. Tell her exactly how you feel and don't hide it. Ofcourse if you just disappear with out any warning it will definetly hurt her so be honest and do what needs to be done and believe me it will be easier for both of you in the LONG RUN.

Ok well thanks very much for your advice. I think i should try and stay friends with her. I think i'll be able to deal with it. But is it worth still trying to make something more of it in the long run or is it just better to forget about the whole thing?

[theproman23]

That's a question only you can answer, if you feel you can deal with it and be friends with her do it but personally I think you're setting yourself up to be hurt if you do that. Think about it the whole time you have these feelings for her and you have hide them to be friends with her. It's going to hurt my friend but this might be something you need to do to learn from it yourself. Just to warn you if you are not comfortable with it think long and hard before you commit to even a friendship. I really don't want to see you hurt a few months from now because things got worse.

[noko]

Ok thanks man. I'll give it a long think and maybe give it a shot and see what happens

[Yvette84]

Ok well thanks very much for your advice. I think i should try and stay friends with her. I think i'll be able to deal with it. But is it worth still trying to make something more of it in the long run or is it just better to forget about the whole thing?

forget about it!!! if somethings going to come of it just let HER be the one to make the move. It will be hard though if you do choose to stay friends, I would say move on and date other girls, and stay friends if you really want to, and if something comes out of it then you know it's meant to be. If not then it's not. But don't wait around longing for her, it's not healthy and i'm sure she'll go along with it and love the attention (as I did) But you will have a hard time if you stay around WAITING and expecting for something to happen. So move on and if it happens it happens.

[Fivek]

It sounds to me like she may have been attracted to you initially but you might have waited too long and have been "friendzoned." Take it as a good lesson and start talking to other girls. This girl in question knows of your motives, and you've put the ball in her court. If she wants to make a move, she will.

[bhzmafia]

Wow, are you me? =P

 

At least its good to know that there are other people feeling the same as I am...

[Dating Coach]

Actions speak louder than words. This is just like the other thread on here. Same situation. If she was really interested in you, she would be with you. Anything else she says about it is an EXCUSE. It's not like she wants to tell you that she has no romantic feelings for you and that you should just give up your crush right now. It's so much easier for her to tell you that she doesn't want to hurt the friendship or that she was hurt in the past because it puts the blame on "her" instead of hurting your feelings by saying that she just doesn't see it in "you". All of her excuses are just excuses.

If that big stud jock she's had her eye on asked her out on a date, she would go and you would wonder where her hesistency to date went, wondering how she overcame her "fear of getting hurt". That's one of the most common and biggest BS lines you ever hear.

[kellbell]

"She said she was considering it before, but because of a recent relationship that she was hurt by, she didn't want to be in one right now, and she didn't want to risk ruining our friendship. She still said she still likes me though and that she still wants to hang out all the time."

 

Dude, you have been friendzoned. She wanted you to ask her out a long time ago. If she wanted to go out with you, she would have jumped at the chance when you asked her out a few days ago. Girls are not afraid to ruin a friendship if they want it lead to something else. You were fed the oldest excuses in the book. If you want to remain friends with her, that is your call but start talking to other women. Try not to get bogged down with the friendship with her because when you indeed find a romantic partner, she will get all weird on you (i.e. jealousy, etc).

[noko]

Ahh crap. I thought thats what may have happened too. Stupid me. Is there anyway to get yourself out of the friendzone? has anyone here ever done it?

[Yvette84]

Ahh crap. I thought thats what may have happened too. Stupid me. Is there anyway to get yourself out of the friendzone? has anyone here ever done it?

From a girls perspective.....stay IN the friendzone! if you TRY to get out of it, it won't work. The ONLY way you will ever get out of it, is if her feelings for you turn from "friend" feelings into love feelings. and that will only happen with paitence and time, if it does at all, but don't "wait" for it. It may not happen! if it's too hard for you to stay in the "friendzone" then honestly you will have to end the friendship, because it will be too hard on you.

[noko]

Ok thanks so much for all the advice guys and girls! its helped me out alot. I wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't for this site.

[kellbell]

It is okay to be her friend but I would not invest too much into the friendship. If you see her, you see her, if you don't, you don't. Spending too much time with her will cause trouble when in fact you do find that special young lady to be with.

[mrdarcy]

Man, can I identify with this post.

 

Nothing is more heartbreaking then unrequitted love.

 

Nothing you CAN do...but move on.

[Teddy-Bear]

I have to say this is the situation im in at the moment. and after she started going out with another guy and never telling i deiced to leave for college immediately and thats what i did well when i went home for a weekend about 6 months into school and picked me up at the airport with my mom and she wanted to spend time and with and all and i received a letter from her during that weekend on home she realized by me being gone how she felt empty and she realized that she wanted me as more then just friends and now (im still in school) we will be together once im done in like 3-4 months and i know she loves me and i feel tha same....so maybe backing off for a while from your girl would help....she'd see what its like without you and realize she loves you or not....

hope it works out for you man...it really sucks being single for long

 

Teddy Bear

[Dating Coach]

From a girls perspective.....stay IN the friendzone! if you TRY to get out of it, it won't work. The ONLY way you will ever get out of it, is if her feelings for you turn from "friend" feelings into love feelings. and that will only happen with paitence and time, if it does at all, but don't "wait" for it. It may not happen! if it's too hard for you to stay in the "friendzone" then honestly you will have to end the friendship, because it will be too hard on you.

 

Whoa now, just want to interject here and say that if you like this girl then this is a very dangerous path indeed and I do not recommend it. Why? Because you will still like her, you will still want her, and you will continue to hope the situation changes. This is not where you should be if you have self respect. You DESERVE someone who wants you back, you DO NOT deserve sitting in the friendzone hoping that one day she will have an epiphany, wake up, and want you. Sorry, doesn't work that way.

 

There are so many great girls out there and a lot of them would be willing to date you right now. You do yourself a HUGE disservice by focusing on this one girl who isn't interested in you. You owe it to yourself to friendzone HER and find yourself another girl.

 

As far as getting out of the friendzone, it has happened and is possible but it is extremely rare. I never advise people to try this because it's the wrong thing to do. Why? I already answered that. You owe yourself better than to sit there and hope someone will change their mind about you, and it reaks of low self confidence and self respect to continue to hope that a person will change their mind and possibly in the future decide you're worth dating. IMO a person would high self respect would move on the moment they learn that the other person isn't attracted to them. You shoudl find someone to date with whom you didn't have to convince to change their mind about you.

[kellbell]

Usually when you get "friendzoned" that is usually where you stay. I would start talking to other women. Do not let this friendship hold you back. You deserve more than she is willing to give you at this point. Take care.