Is living together necessary

[Bostich]

Do you think that for a couple to successfully work out it is necessary that they live together at some point? Is this conventional wisdom and do you think it odd if two people choose not to go that route but stay together?

[Sally00]

You do not have to live together to be successful in a relationship... I don't know where you heard that. If you have to move in to be successful, then that's not a really good relationship ya got there if ya ask ME.

 

I honestly think that it's better to move in together once you are married. If you move in together before marriage and the relationship ends, it will hurt a hell of a lot more, too...

 

Plus, if you're going to act like ya'll are married by moving in together, might as well get married!!!

[Bostich]

Thanks for that Sally00, it just seems everyone around me is moving in together. I think that someday I may want that with my boyfriend but it is not something I am mapping out. I guess I ask because I recently had a conversation with a couple who said they would be fine if they *never* lived together and that it would not impact the relationship one way or another. I guess that I have been socialized to believe that was part of the natural progression of a relationship so their outlook took me by surprise.

[Sally00]

No problem. I understand hearing about people moving in together and everything. But it's not such a great idea.. I wish you the best for you and your man though!

[helpme2]

I don't think it's wise to move in together pre-marriage, there have been studies done that say that cohabitation (living together) increases your risk of divorce if you ever do get married.

 

link removed

 

just some info if you were interested.

[zippitt]

Sorry, I dont think it's wise not to move in together if marriage is in your plans.

 

I don't care how perfect a couple is, moving in together is a new dynamic and there is no way to forsee what the outcome will be.

 

If you marry before you ever live together you are gambling in my opinion.

 

In my last relationship I am glad I moved in with her when I did, it showed me things that I may have not seen years later.

 

By no means am I saying move in quickly though, as it has it's own problems, but there is such a thing as waiting too long.

[mystik]

I agree with zipitt. I don't think it's a bad idea at all. I don't think there is a wrong or right decision. I know some couples who after being together for a long time, decided to move in together. Some quickly figured out that it was not something they could do for the rest of their lives (in marriage). Others have found that it has made their relationship stronger than ever, even if there was some transitional adjustments. If there really is a correlation between those who get divorced with those who moved in together pre-marriage, I don't think it is a very strong one. There are so many factors that lead up to a divorce.

 

 

I honestly think that it's better to move in together once you are married. If you move in together before marriage and the relationship ends, it will hurt a hell of a lot more, too...

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I can see where you are coming from, because moving in together really does seem to "solidify" the relationship...but...I think it would hurt more too to discover that you are not compatible as you thought AFTER getting married. But again, this is not to say that you should always move in together first. My parents certainly didn't and neither do many couples. I think it's certainly a matter of personal choice and where that relationship is going.

[RayKay]

Do you think that for a couple to successfully work out it is necessary that they live together at some point? Is this conventional wisdom and do you think it odd if two people choose not to go that route but stay together?

 

I would find it odd if they stayed together and NEVER lived together, yes. I would not say they need to get married if that is not something they both want...(my mum & stepfather have been together 20+ years living together and chose together to NOT get married for example).

 

But I guess it depends highly on what those two people are looking for in a relationship or what their perceptions are of them.

 

Personally, for me, I get great enjoyment out of living with my partner....we are a great team and there is a tremendous amount of joy in making our home our own, and building our future together.

 

And, I also don't agree with that whole fact that it's a bad idea to live together before marriage. Or even that you must have marriage at all if to you as a couple it is not a goal, as long as you take care to protect one another legally & financially in case you do part. The statistics are really not from exactly reliable sources, and do not really factor in the reasons...or the fact those whom got married before living together do not necessarily have happier, stronger, healthier marriages. Sometimes they stay together out of moral or religious reason, not genuine desire to be together. And I have seen a few couples whom moved in together AFTER marriage, realized within months they hated living together and are still "technically married" but are no longer "together" either.

 

Anyway, the stats are based on studies that are filled with huge invalidities. If you applied the same rules on those studies you applied to scientific hypothesis, they would fail miserably.

 

Living together in itself does NOT determine whether you will or will not get married or divorced. It can sometimes show couples are incompatible, and they choose not to get married. Or perhaps they get married as they feel they "need to" rather than truly wanting to which accounts for a higher divorce rate.

 

Personally, in my opinion, I believe if you truly want to be with someone for life, and they you, living together is not such a huge injustice! I have only ever lived with ONE man, despite other long term relationships because I KNEW he was one for me, and we both chose to take that step for ourselves. I have not regretted it ever. For me, it is VERY different than dating or even spending every night together. And while I wanted to be with him for a very, very, very long time BEFORE we moved in, living together has truly shown us so much more about each other and our relationship, and how well we fit...it's awesome!

 

But it is important both people are on the same wavelength when you move in about where the relationship is going, and what the purpose is and all that. Otherwise, there can be some major conflict down the road. Of course, marriage is not immune from that either.

[canonman]

I read somewhere, that statistically speaking, those who live together first, have a higher incidence of divorce. I'm not sure where I read that, but I'll see if I can find out. Not sure why completely, but there must be a lot of psychology going on in the whole process....

[Confessoress]

You do not have to live together to be successful in a relationship... I don't know where you heard that. If you have to move in to be successful, then that's not a really good relationship ya got there if ya ask ME.

 

I honestly think that it's better to move in together once you are married. If you move in together before marriage and the relationship ends, it will hurt a hell of a lot more, too...

 

Plus, if you're going to act like ya'll are married by moving in together, might as well get married!!!

 

Marriage is not a guarantee you'll stay together either! I personally believe living together before marriage is VERY important. You learn A LOT about the person living together and it can change your mind whether you really want to spend your life with that person.

[canonman]

My next door neighbors Charlie and Laurie lived together. They were a really sweet couple, very friendly, likeable and seemed very much in love. I really thought they would stay together. Well, she moved out and he eventually did too. I saw her not too long ago at a store, and asked her how she was doing. She was very bitter, and said that they had lived together for 12 years, and now, at 34 she feels she gave him the best years of her life, and he just would never come around to marry her. What hurt her the most was that he met someone after he moved to Florida and married about 6 months later.

 

I think it's very important to have the DTR talk. "Define the Relationship". What are the shared values, desires, goals? Don't hold out for marriage if that's not what he or she wants, find out! And be honest with eachother. She said he led her to believe that they would marry someday.

[cichlid]

You do not have to live together to be successful in a relationship... I don't know where you heard that. If you have to move in to be successful, then that's not a really good relationship ya got there if ya ask ME.

 

I honestly think that it's better to move in together once you are married. If you move in together before marriage and the relationship ends, it will hurt a hell of a lot more, too...

 

Plus, if you're going to act like ya'll are married by moving in together, might as well get married!!!

Took teh words right out of my mouth. I don't really like couples living together that aren't married. It should be noted that I am a very conservative Catholic and view it as wrong. Though I do know that not everyone believes what I believe...but that doesn't mean I can't express my opinions...right?

[cichlid]

I think it is okay that you view it as wrong (you're entitled to your opinion), but is it really fair to dislike people just because they live together without being married? What if they don't have the money? What if their family doesn't have the money to attend the wedding? Should they just get married alone regardless of their families' feelings? What if, along with not having money, they live on opposite sides of the world? Is it fair on them to torture themselves living so far away from each other just because they cannot afford to get married the minute they move in together?

 

LOL! You mistunderstood. I meant I don't the fact that they are living together...not the couples themselves. Hehe...

[Momene]

I lived with my first wife before marriage because we needed to save up for the wedding. At the time house prices were rocketing, so we couldn't afford to do both at the same time, or we'd have waited years.

 

I think if you want a traditional marriage that involves having children, then living together is a natural step. IF (big IF) I ever had another relationship, I would not consider children, so some living apart deal might not be so bad. It has worked for some.