Need advice...did I make a mistake?

[justanotherniceguy]

I have been reading the many different advices offered on this wonderful website especially the NC suggestions. But, I need some advice on something that just happened and not sure if I did the right thing and how I should proceed. My ex-girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years and she had just broken up with me about one week ago. Her reason for breaking up with me was that she was not sure what she wants in life right now and that she misses the "spark" that we once had when we started dating.

 

A brief history, we have been together for 6 years and never really broke up during that time. Yes we fought and I got jealous at times but we never ended it as she did now. We did live together for a year until my career finally started and took me out of state. She did come up with me to my new location but was unable to get a job and since I just started my new job I was at work a lot and not home that often. She then became depressed and lonely. After 4 months she moved back home. During the past few months I have been given her space and not consistently calling because I thought she needed her space to be with friends and family because we were together everyday for years. Currently we are in different states due to our careers for the past 6 months. Granted it has been quite difficult to meet each other during that time since we have both started new jobs, however I was willing to commit to make more of an effort to travel and visit more often. But during the past 6 months we have only seen each other about 5 times. This last time was a week ago where we had a pretty good weekend and talked. She stated that she knew if we were to be together one of us would have to make the career sacrifice and move to the other's state. She told me that she need some time to think about what she wanted and that she really cares for me but misses the spark. She said she can see how much I love her and that I would do anything for her and stated that I deserve someone that would do the same for me but I told her I believe it is her. So she then told me she needed some time to figure out what she wanted and broke up with me. I asked that we could take some time off and not breakup since we are in different states however that did not appeal to her. Her mother talked to me before the breakup and told me that she was behind me 100% and told me that I should send cards, flowers, jewelry and visit more often. Which I would love to do but to me it sounds she wants space and to be single to figure out what she wants. She told me I am the nicest guy she has ever known. Her mothers cannot understand why she is acting like this and thinks it is a phase she is going thru. Well after she broke up with me I did not call her out of respect for her wishes and after 5 days she called me and I answered. I read about the NC and was thinking that it may be the best thing to do since she would not have me around anymore but I caved in and answered the phone. She asked me how I was doing and what I had been up too. I just said work, working out...etc. She said it was good to hear my voice and that she was afraid to call earlier because she was not sure how it would of been. Well we talked about normal things and then she brought up the relationship and if I hated her. I told her that I did not hate her but that she did hurt me and broke my heart. She started to cry and told me that she was sorry she broke my heart and she never meant too. During the conversation she stated once that by calling she did not want to give me false hope. But did not rule out that we would not get back together perhaps. But she still wanted to be my friend after all we have been thru and she needed time to think. She said there in no other guy in her life. Her mother did stated that she did talk to her daughter and her daughter was going out a lot to keep her mind off missing me since we were apart lately. I did tell the ex that I would try a friendship with her to give her the space that she wanted. I asked if she would call more often so we could talk and even offered to visit this weekend just as friends since I have a 3 day weekend. She said she was not sure that if she was busy this weekend and that she would call me to well as she said to see how I was doing. She said she was really happy to have talked to me (probably since I was being really kind and to be honestly I was happy to talk to her) which probably made her feel better. Her mother asked her if she broke up with me and the ex-girlfriend did not answer her mother. Her mother then said that she should not break my heart. She said it is really hard that her family wants her to be with me. But she is not sure want she wants right now. I asked her if she still was attracted to me and she said yes.

 

 

1)I mean I really want to be with her and would do anything for her but did i do the right thing by talking to her for 2 hours and being really nice and supportive even after her dumping me?

 

I joked and called her the dumper and she cried and told me not to use that word anymore.

 

2)I told her I would not call her to give her space but that she could call me anytime she wants too and that I would answer. Would I stand a better chance by being her friend or going the NC route?

 

Her mother told me that I should bust my butt off so that way if it does not work out then I would know that I tried my best. But my ex has already told me that she knows that I would do anything for her so I am not sure if that route would really work or push her away. I asked her that is there anything I can do to change and she said it was not me but her.

 

What should I do? and thank you so much for listening.

[heloladies21]

Well my man, best thing you could do at this point is to tell her either you two work at a relationship together or you're going to have to go your separate ways, because being friends will lead to her drifting away until she finds another guy. See it happen all the time on here.

 

So let's start worrying less about what she wants, and a little more about what's right for you. Hang out with your friends, go out a little bit, bring some female competition into the picture, and if she decides that she made a mistake and wants to convince you to come back to her then you can decide what you want at that point. But she can't have you in her life if you two aren't in a relationship.

[Cute Band Rat]

Heloladies is right on this one. Six years is a long time to be with somoene and NOT know what you want. I think you talking to her on the phone for two hours ..while it probably felt good..it also will not motivate her to move towards you because you already satisfied her curiosity about you. REMEMBER: She must miss you. She must not feel she can call you at the drop of a hat and you'll come running. She gave up that right when she broke up with you. I also agree with Heloladies that you should consider going out..and yes dating. It sounds as if your ex takes you for granted and she needs to know you are attractive to the opposite sex. You are a free agent now as well as she is. Take advantage of that for now. I am betting she'll be back.

[justanotherniceguy]

Ok, I understand. I told her that I would not call her, text, or email her to give her the space she said she needed and that she was to feel free to call me anytime. Should I still answer her calls or respond to any of her contact attempts or go NC?

[heloladies21]

See, now that's not the right way. Let's ignore what's going on in her head right now and concentrate on how you're feeling. Don't YOU feel like she has all the control and you're just a pawn for her to move around? The way you have it, you're just going to be waiting around emotionally for her until you find out about her getting with some other guy and then you will be left broken even worse.

 

I know you're feeling confused right now and part of this nice guy persona that you've developed has brainwashed you into thinking about her desires first when your top priority should be looking after your own well being.

 

You want to be in a relationship with her, don't you? You don't want to accept being her friend because it won't bring her back and will leave you more hurt and waste a lot of your time, right? If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, you're going to move on and find somebody who does, won't you? (you will even if you don't believe it right now). All of this needs to be communicated to her and you haven't done that yet.

 

If you did tell her this stuff and she rejected you, why would you want her to call you? Would you really want her to call if she wasn't interested in getting back together, knowing it would only be leading you on?

 

Would you even want to call someone who doesn't want you? It would only be holding yourself back from moving on and finding someone else.

 

So do this, ring her up and spill the beans. Be very brutally honest with her and yourself about what you want. Do not try and talk her into anything, just explain your desires. If she's not on board, then you have your answer for the moment. At that point, tell her not to contact you as just friends, and only if she's interested in starting something back up again. If she does break contact, make sure you address her intentions early on so you don't waste your time or heart. But you should be sticking to NC after that like glue, not because it's what she wants, but because it's the right thing for YOU.

 

You are not here at her disposal or for when she decides she wants you back.

[justanotherniceguy]

I sent an email to my ex yesterday regarding a few items we still have together such as an apartment lease, etc. And she replied as below:

 

She wrote:

I will see what I can do. Hope you had a good day.

(btw it killed me that she did not write love (her name) as she always did in the past) this time she only wrote her name

 

and I replied with the following "Thank you for trying, it would save me time and money. I am just trying to tie up the loose ends we still have between each other."

 

Was I being a bit harsh or should I have been say meaner?

[Allie.]

i think you said it just fine [=

[Orlander]

heloladies is right. I went through something creepingly similiar to what you are going through now (instead of distance it was religious differences). Take my advice and go with NC. Tell her what YOU want. Give her some time to think things over if you want, but have no contact with her during this time. If, after the amount of time has passed and she is still unsure about your relationship together, then LEAVE!!!

 

Please, please, please dont put yourself through hell by trying to be her friend or hanging on and waiting for her to make up her mind or change her mind. You aren't being true to yourself if you do that.

 

I wish I had personally taken this advice last year. I could have saved myself So much pain.

 

 

Orlander

[justanotherniceguy]

After everyones wonderful advice and caring I have put together a plan and would like to pass it along to you wise people to see if it is a good idea to go through with:

 

Start with:

 

1-Questions regarding what has happened during the past month since we saw each other over the memorial day weekend and everything was fine!

Tell her that true friends do not hurt or lie to one another and that I have know her for 7 years and have been there for her thru all her ups and downs unlike her friends who have let her down when she needed them but I was always there. What was her true reason to break up with me.

 

2-Tell her how much I love her and miss her and that I think she is making a mistake and would regret it and is there anything I could do or say to change her mind?

 

3-This would be the only time I would ask for another chance

 

4-Tell her that we are going to have to work at a relationship or go our separate ways. She cannot have me in her life if we are not in a relationship.

 

5-Finally, tell her not to contact me as just friends and only contact if truly interested in starting something again.

 

 

FYI, I would like to travel to her and tell her face to face...not over the phone like she did when she broke up with me. Good idea and plan?

[heloladies21]

1) This is a bad idea because she can't explain her true reason for losing interest in you. Even if she could, it wouldn't solve anything. Also nothing would come from comparing yourself to her friends, she would just get defensive and try and defend them. And you don't want to guilt her into wanting to try again, even if it worked it would only be a temporary fix and the same problems would crop up again.

 

2) Just stick with telling her how you feel about her and that you would like to get back together with her, then listen to what she has to say. Why would you want to convince someone to want to be with you instead of them wanting you on their own? (This tactic doesn't work anyway)

 

3) Instead of asking for another chance, tell her in a different way that you'd like to work at a relationship, but just being friends or staying in casual contact won't work for you.

 

4 + 5 are fine.

 

Face to face isn't necessary. Just call her up right now and address this. The sooner the better for you.

[Orlander]

Yes, call her as soon as you are ready (make that soon) and give her a specific timeframe in which to make up her mind. DO NOT make it opened ended. If you want to heal you will not be able to unless you know it is over with this woman.

 

Over the phone would be fine.