lack of experience or just stupid?

[Mark82]

since my breakup i've been going out trying to be more social etc... before then I never had the need to go out and socialise other than with close friends.

 

something I have found which is really getting to me is when I talk to a girl that I like or is really pretty I become serious and ask a lot of questions in an attempt to keep the conversation going. I rarely state my opinion on things they bring up or tell them too much about myself. In fact if I do tell them about myself I am extremely vague.

 

After the conversation I run through it in my mind and realise all the things I could have said but didn't on on the spot, and even analyse what I did say and start putting myself down for saying them, like for example I may say something that doesn't make sense and there would be a pause in the conversation, afterwards I would think things like "that was a stupid thing to say, now she thinks your an idiot".

 

I know I have an issue of worrying too much about things which can make me look and sound serious... could this be because I lack experience in socialising or is it cause i'm just a bit slow?

 

I think I already know the answer which is it has to do with my self-esteem/confidence... I guess the best way is to keep at it, socialising and improving and stop being so hard on myself?

[Meow18]

We all do that! We all think about conversations we had earlier that day and realize things we should have said.. and then feel like an idiot for not saying it! That's totally normal. And unfortunantely, that's not really something that you can control.

 

Yes, don't be so hard on yourself. If a girl likes you, it's better that she likes you for the person you are rather than fall for the guy who is just trying to put on a show.. And you will find that girl!

 

Maybe you aren't that great at socializing. I know very few people who are good at it. But since you are aware of the fact that you get all serious and ask a lot of questions without giving your input (which isn't too horrible) then you can try to be conscious of that while in your next conversation.. and try hard to be a little more relaxed and give your opinion more..

 

But I really don't think there's anything wrong with that really. I mean, it shows interest when you ask a lot of questions and just want to hear what they think. But it wouldn't hurt to give a little of what you think too.

[OceanEyes]

We all do that! We all think about conversations we had earlier that day and realize things we should have said.. and then feel like an idiot for not saying it! That's totally normal. And unfortunantely, that's not really something that you can control.

 

I completely agree with this - very well-stated!!

 

Let me tell you something Mark - when I first met my current boyfriend, he was constantly putting his foot in his mouth, saying either totally offensive things, or being an absolute creep at times.

 

The first time we went out for drinks, he told me that he was "in love" with a good friend of mine, then spilled half a pint of beer down the front of his shirt.

 

The next time I saw him, he went into detail about a previous sexual experience with another friend, then asked me if I thought she would join us for a threesome.

 

I didn't like him much after these things happened, and told him exactly what I thought of him and his disgusting personality. That was over three years ago, and he couldn't be further from that guy I met. I later came to realize that he would say/ do these things so that I wouldn't think he wanted to be in a relationship with me ... to keep things "casual" (which is what I wanted from the beginning).

 

All I'm trying to say here, is that the *right girl* will see through your BS. We ALL put on a show in the beginning, thinking that it's what he/ she wants to hear. When you meet someone, and the chemistry, attraction, and 'good vibe' is there, you will see each other for who you really are. It takes a while, and meeting a lot of the WRONG people first, but it happens!

[heloladies21]

Friend, do not get down on yourself. The only way you're going to learn is by trying, analyzing what you did, and getting feedback from others as well. The problem is that instead about being happy that you realize your mistake and know not to make the same one again, you wallow in it. When you learn from a mistake, it's a success! Think about it that way.

 

This is about improving your technique, not your self confidence. Once you improve the 1st, the 2nd will improve on it's own. When you're talking to girls, you need to start teasing and flirting with them. Think about Austin Powers and the way he talks to girls. This is a great style with some sexual innuendo. I also hear Howard Stern do it when he's talking to chicks. Of course you're going to have to talk about some serious stuff with her when the time is right, but keep the interaction light and flirty.

 

Go to these sites for more help with girls

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[randiandriien]

I say things to my fiance and later on think...ohmigod! I'm retarded! I can't believe I said that! It's normal! We all think that way! It's easy to critisize ourselves!

[eremy]

I'm in about the same situation you are. I just got out of a relationship a couple months ago, and not normally being a social person, I had a few good changes to make. From my experience talking to people is just like anything else, it just takes doing it over and over again to get good at it. The best thing to do is just to be natural and be yourself, especially if you really like the person. When you find the right one it will just click.

[Dating Coach]

It's definitely good you are at least trying although I did find it curious when you said that you "become serious" when you talk with a cute girl. You're goal is to be fun and attractive, not serious and boring. I would work on flirting and teasing to make yourself more appealing. Keep away from serious issues when you meet someone.