What should I do if ex breaks NC?

[blindreepr]

Its been 2 full days of NC, and I am definitely getting better. But now what I am wondering is, what will/should I do if she contacts me? Phone calls wont be an issue, if I see her number, or any number I dont recognize I wont pick it up for the next month or so, and unless I get a voicemail that says something is urgent or an emergency then I won't have any reason to call her back. The big thing is what if she stops by my house before work (which I invited her to do so that I wouldn't seem like I was avoiding her even though I have every intention of avoiding her)?

 

Basically what I am asking is, how is the best way to make it seem like I am busy, but wanting to talk to her? I do not want her to think I am mad at her, but I definitely want to be unavailable. Any suggestions? Anything I should absolutely not do, or anything I should absolutely do?

[bobo85]

Do you want to keep NC going?

 

If you do then dont allow your ex to contact you. Dont respond to emails, phone calls, or whatever. If your ex drops by your house tell them that your busy and excuse yourself.

 

If you dont and want your ex to think you are busy..then try missing a few calls..or waiting a few days to respond to that email. When you plan a visit...make sure its on your schedule and not theirs.

 

edit: Its only been 2 days of NC. that really is great but realistically its nothing. Try going 30 days minimum. 2 days isn't enough to heal from a breakup. So take some time to yourself and try to stop planning things that you can't control.

[joyce1412]

The big thing is what if she stops by my house before work (which I invited her to do so that I wouldn't seem like I was avoiding her even though I have every intention of avoiding her)?

 

well, that was an unfortunate mistake. sorry. sometimes i do that, too...i'm a bit of a people-pleaser, sometimes i offer things that i don't really want to follow through on. it sounds like you did that too because you didn't want to hurt her and you were trying to make a certain impression.

 

now you just need to undo this. if she comes by, you can chat with her for a little bit, be friendly, but maybe say, "i'm sorry, i probably shouldn't have made myself available to you in the mornings. i've been soooo busy lately, and sometimes i forget how tight my schedule is. it was good seeing you, though!" then hopefully she'll exit soon thereafter.

 

well, whatever you do, don't give her the cold shoulder so that she'll go away again. be polite and clear. you set up a possibly sticky situation, so just figure out a way to deal with the fallout that doesn't involve sending mixed messages.

[blindreepr]

Do you want to keep NC going?

 

Yes, but not for the reason I should be doing NC though. In my own opinion I think I am strong enough to heal and move on with as much contact as she would like. I do think about her sometimes, but other than that I am fully confident in the direction I am heading in life right now, with or without her. Even if she were to come back, unless very specific things were addressed I would not take her back, but that does not mean that I am not trying to leave the door open. My reasoning for wanting to do NC is to give myself time to REALLY improve myself, even more than I have in the past 3 weeks of very low contact, and to take away her safety net so that she will have to make a decision.

 

that doesn't involve sending mixed messages.

 

Mixed messages were sort of my goal though.....

 

I figure the best way to put this situation in my control is to have her uncertain of my feelings. Creating doubt in herself and her decision, forcing her to think about it. If I want to talk to her, but am too busy to, what am I do then? Who am I with? Why is it more important than talking to her? When will I finally make the time to talk to her? etc

 

 

Am I being terribley manipulative or is all fair in love and war? I don't want her to beg for me back because of an emotional response to missing me. What I do want is maybe for her to want me back because of an emotional response and then we can both truly talk about our separate goals as individuals and what we want out of a relationship and if we are both willing to commit to them. If we don't want the same thing, or arent willing to commit to accepting mistakes either of us made during the break then I don't even want to try. I just want the dust to settle quicker that its current rate.

[heloladies21]

This is the problem most people have when they jump right into NC without clearing the air first and letting all intentions be known. She'll just think that you're mad at her and won't know the real reason why you've cut contact. The next time she tries to call you, let her know what you want and why you're doing what you're doing. Trust me, it's just what you need to do at this point to keep this from dragging out.

 

Be straight up, tell her you want to work at a relationship and friends just won't do. If she's not on board, that's when you go into NC so there's no doubt about where you two stand.

[blindreepr]

Be straight up, tell her you want to work at a relationship and friends just won't do. If she's not on board, that's when you go into NC so there's no doubt about where you two stand.

 

Not trying to be argumentative, but wouldn't that put me into the "i'm needy and not over you" category? Which is the last place I want to be right?

 

I dont exactly WANT to work at a relationship either, I just want the possiblity of working on a relationship to remain open, and the best way to do that is to make her want to work on it. I realize that right now, I still havent had enough NC time to truly decide where I want to take this, I am hoping that with NC I can make a logical decision and hopefully also get her to the place where she wants to do the same. Am I completely off base here?

[mikeca]

well sounds like you want a break from the breakup to find out what you want before coming back and *possibly* deal with the issues and get back together, maybe you should just tell her you want some time to yourself for awhile and you'll call when you ready?

[joyce1412]

well sounds like you want a break from the breakup to find out what you want before coming back and *possibly* deal with the issues and get back together, maybe you should just tell her you want some time to yourself for awhile and you'll call when you ready?

 

mike brings up a good point. perhaps it would also be a good idea to stop focusing on plotting your comeback with your woman and start focusing on whether this is something you really want, because that is much more important than any moves you do or do not make to get your gf back.

 

good luck!

[heloladies21]

Not trying to be argumentative, but wouldn't that put me into the "i'm needy and not over you" category? Which is the last place I want to be right?

 

I dont exactly WANT to work at a relationship either, I just want the possiblity of working on a relationship to remain open, and the best way to do that is to make her want to work on it. I realize that right now, I still havent had enough NC time to truly decide where I want to take this, I am hoping that with NC I can make a logical decision and hopefully also get her to the place where she wants to do the same. Am I completely off base here?

 

Oh ok this is in the Getting Back Together forum so I thought you had your mind made up.

 

Then tell her you need some time on your own to sort things out. I'm just saying that you don't want to ignore her contacts because she will think you're mad. That's not what you want.

 

And you won't come off needy if you do things the right way. People come off needy when they try and beg the other person back, or are constantly trying to set up a meeting or get back together. You know what you want, you want some time on your own to sort things out. There's nothing needy about letting her know you want that. She'll be wondering what you're up to, but without the side effect of being upset at you for ignoring her.