Distraught Today

[Cute Band Rat]

Today I am very sad.

I realized I am someone who brought a lot of unhappiness to my ex'es life.

This really really hurts me.

What hurts more is knowing there is NOTHING I can do to change that

or how he will forever remember me.

 

In one of our last conversations..he said that he did not think

I treated him very well, and while I didn't agree at the time, I think

back and wonder exactly HOW horrible I really was?

 

I am working on myself and though I'm getting better..I wish

my ex could see the changes in me. I wonder if it would matter

to him or make a difference. I have a tendency to be very impatient

and want things MY way. I know this caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I used to blow his phone up if he didn't answer. I would

say mean things to him in the heat of the moment. I would say i was sorry

and it would happen again.

 

So today I am reflecting on how I contributed to our demise. I am sad to say

the list is longer than I'd like to admit, but it is.

 

I'm not beating myself up. Whats done is done.

I just miss him terribly and wish I could be the girlfriend he deserved.

[friscodj]

You know, I have felt this way, and it sucks. Remember two things here:

 

1) You are hurt and vulnerable from the breakup. This makes the words hurt more and makes you more sensitive. He stabbed at the open wounds here with his words. Realize it might not be as bad as you feel...

 

2) A lot of times our actions speak a deeper truth. OK, you made some mistakes and didn't treat him as well as you could have. No one is perfect. I believe your actions came from your inner voice pushing you out of a situation that was wrong for you. While not an excuse, it might be good to explore this.

 

The bottom line is just because you made mistakes with this guy doesn't mean you'll make them with the next guy. Things happen between people.

[keefy1972]

No, the bottom line is this is not all your fault. He did things to contribute to your erratic behavior. I have no doubt about it. Don't try and shoulder all of the blame. I have been where you are, feeling as if I were the bad guy. The reality is, he didn't make you feel reassured enough to not blow his phone up and so on. I'm sure all of your actions, to one extent or another, were brought about by some action of his.

 

He is no prince in all of this. Remember that.

[keefy1972]

Let me correct your final statement: You wish he could be the boyfriend you deserve!

[friscodj]

He is no prince in all of this. Remember that.

 

+1 on this. Well said...

[robowarrior]

Well its never too late if you really love someone, just write him a nice hallmark e-card, in where you write that you are now in a position to understand the hurt you have done to him, and ask for forgiveness for the spitefull things you said. That even tho you two might never come together you do want both of you to have closure into the relationship and that he was right in the end.

[Daddy Bear]

if you have recognized your mistakes and learned from them, and you do your best not to repeat them, there is no reason not to forgive yourself and walk with your head up.

[GH2001]

An individual who looks really deep inside, reflects, and sees that she/he could have done things differently in a realtionship has the sensitivity to make some real progress in future relationships, or in the restoration of the old relationship. What makes a relationship stronger is when communication occurs about the good and the bad. No relationship can survive long term without this communication. That is not to say that the discussions will always save a relationship, but the discussions will help a healthy relationship become stronger. I wish even some of my friends could realize this in their friendships with me.

 

I like the Hallmark card idea posted earlier. It leaves the door open for your ex-to come back while showing that you have grown through the experience. It also opens you up for closure in the realtionship. If you hear back, he wants to work on the relationship. If you don't then you may need to move on or wait a bit longer. Of course, you need to evaluate the importance of the relationship to you before you send the card and be ready for additional heartache if he does not respond.

 

For example, are you willing/can you change some of the things he mentioned about you? Would these changes be permanent or would they be good only until the relationship was going strong again? He has to make the same decisons about what you don't like about him. Everyone makes mistakes. We grow if we choose to learn from them. You have shown some real growth. Can he do the same?

 

It is never wrong to put your heart on the line for those that you love. It is wrong to be so self-center as to not consider the other side. You have already considered the other side so any way that you go now will not be wrong. You have shown great maturity.

[Cute Band Rat]

Thanks all.

 

GH: About the Hallmark card idea. I would consider that...but I don't know WHEN it would be a good idea. I don't want to boast about being "changed"...I would rather he see it for himself. If I did this..I would not do it to provoke a response. I would like to say some things and let him think about it for a while before I do anything else. If nothing else...it will give me some sort of closure and knowing I was able to walk away a bigger person.

[friscodj]

Thanks all.

 

GH: About the Hallmark card idea. I would consider that...but I don't know WHEN it would be a good idea. I don't want to boast about being "changed"...I would rather he see it for himself. If I did this..I would not do it to provoke a response. I would like to say some things and let him think about it for a while before I do anything else. If nothing else...it will give me some sort of closure and knowing I was able to walk away a bigger person.

 

Also, sometimes just hearing the person say "Hey no worries! No hard feelings. Take care" in response to an apology helps you move on too...

[Momene]

Were you the dumper or dumpee?

 

I can honestly say that in past and present relationships, my behaviour has been less than perfect BUT in all my past relationships they would have ended whether I behaved well or not. As for my present one, if we split at any time, it's more likely to be other factors than her or my behaviour.