feeling miserable

[lauragutierrez]

I am actually in Australia. That is where I came all the way from Spain for him. Is the fact of him going through a divorce a reason to give me less? is this a reason not to love some one?

[Managor]

I don't think there should ever be a reason for him to give you less, especially for as long as 9 months. If things haven't turned around for you two in what is already such a long period of time, I don't think you should be too optimistic.

 

I think you've given him enough chances and enough of your life for him to have the opportunity to show you he cares, and he hasn't, there isn't any point in staying with him.

 

PS: I hope you've enjoyed the country a bit and maybe been to the city (depending on which state/territory you're in) and some of the other interesting places, Australia, as a country, can be a nice place to visit/live.

[Momene]

I've been Down Under (as it's known in England) and it is a nice place but it can get VERY hot at times. Distances are also great, so visiting the next city isn't as easy as in Europe.

 

What you could do is get him to travel to another city together where there'll be just the 2 of you. If not, just try it yourself or with a colleague from work.

[Managor]

Very very hot =_=. Luckily it's winter here at the moment (it's always the opposite season when you cross the Equator)

[SarahRose]

That is good that you have a job. Do you like where you are enough to make a life for yourself without him?

 

Australia is not an easy country to get into to so obviously there was some thought and effort involved in getting you a work visa.

 

The thing I see is you having tunnel vision about him and your situation; focusing on what is going on with him, his family, his divorce. If he was really thinking, he would have gotten his divorce out of the way before bringing you over. Your not being allowed to answer the phone is ridiculous. What is the worst that is going to happen if you do?

 

What about you?

What do you want from your life?

 

Do you feel you want to go home? What is stopping you? Be honest with yourself.

 

Like another poster said, you can get on with you life there by getting to know your workmates, neighbours, and such. Do you have any hobbies or interests?

[lauragutierrez]

I only came to Australia because of him. I am paying $2,000 every 6 months to study (i am on a student visa), doing a course I don't even have an interest in just to be with him and luckily I found a part time job as I am only allowed to work 20 hours a week.

 

I am not an immigrant who came here looking for a better life. I come from a beautiful country which is in Europe. I had a job which I left for him, I left my parents crying at the airport and they didn't know when the next time they would see me was. I arrived here and after two days I was told not to pick up the phone for the time being which I understood and accepted thinking that maybe it was a bit early, but 9 months later I still can't answer it. He says he has moved forward and chosen to be with me but has he? when he doesn't want people to know that we are together, when his own family doesn't even talk to me and he doesn't do anything to change the situation. I don't want to be involved with them 100% but they don't even ask about me when they talk to him on the phone.

 

I only know one thing: if i had asked someone to come all the way to me and leave everything behing I would have fought for them till the last, I would have stood by them, I would have never let anyone interfer between us and certainly I wouldn't leave him at home every time I go somewhere because he is not allowed to come with me. I would tell people out loud: if you don't like it tough, because I do and that is what counts.

[SarahRose]

Laura Im pming you.

 

I apologise if I made it sound like you were going there for a better life. I was just curious if you like it enough there to stay without him in the picture.

 

Another question? Has he filed for divorce?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Laura, I hope the best for you.

 

From what you have describe, I understand why you are unhappy.

 

Is it possible for you to change to a course that you are more interested?

 

Is it good to continue study, I like to study.

 

I think your guy need to stand up for you in front of his family. When both of you are in long distance, is he acting matured in the relationship? or he is sort of child like and love to be mothered?

[Hope75]

I don't know. I am just so affected that I think I just try to excuse him. Sometimes I wonder whether I am right. He tells me that I complain all the time, but who wouldn't in my situation? My question is: does he love me? do you think he loves me?

Laura,

 

From what you've said of him, which is all I have to go on, I'd have to say no. I'm sorry, I'm sure that is not what you want to hear, but guys I know, my bf included, who love their gfs, are proud to be with them. They go out places together, spend holidays and special occasions with their families together, hang out and have fun with their friends, and the most obvious, my bf and I live together and we both answer the phone. All couples I know both answer the phone, and I'd be pretty disturbed if one told me they 'were not allowed to'.

 

Exactly what reason has he given you for not answering the phone? What is he was involved in an accident or trauma, and he or the hospital/police tried to call you? Don't you find it a little odd that you can't answer the phone?

 

I know that I would not feel loved or respected in this situation. I suspect you don't either, which is why you posted. Is there a hint of truth in that?

 

I know you took a big risk and made some major changes to come here and be with him, but it really seems like it was a mistake. You said your parents say the same thing..... does it seem odd to you that you may think one thing and everyone around you is telling you another?

[lauragutierrez]

the reason why I can't answer the phone is because people are not meant to know that I live with him. Only his family know that I live with him and they don't even accept it. As I said we both agreed that I would come here and live together. 5 months after living together and nothing wrong between us happening he was talking to his brother and his brother suggested that we shouldn't be living together. So my boyfriend comes to me and tells me that we shouldn't be living together. My boyfriend is 44 years old.

 

I don't answer teh phone because his wife is not meant to know that I am here living with him and any other people either.

[Hope75]

Hi Laura,

 

I still don't understand why no one is supposed to know you are living there. If you are his girlfriend, and he loved you, he would be proud to have you there, share family occasions and holidays with you, and take you round to see his friends.

 

What is his reason for telling you no one should know you are living there?

 

If I were you, I would be hurt and disgusted that my bf was trying to keep me some sort of a secret, as though he were ashamed of me. I would leave.

 

Have you given any serious thought to ending this and going home?

[lauragutierrez]

Yes, I feel exactly as you say. I feel as if he feels ashamed of me and I feel he just have me as a secret. I don't even know how he can possibly think that in time everything will be normal. I don't think it will ever be normal and even if one day things became better he would have hurt me so much by then that I won't be able to be with him.

 

Yes, I am considering very seriously to pack and go home. As well, he many times compare me to his ex. For me things might work between us or maybe not but I don't have to put up with being compared to her.

 

He says his ex used to complain about things and that I also complain about things. But how in the name of God, can you compare her situation with mine?. He never hid her from anyone, his family never told her that she couldn't go anywhere, they got married in front of 200 people showing their love to everyone. She participated in all events he went to She left him several times and abandoned the house and he still went back with her. She divorced him and they got married again. How can you compare what they had together, which is a normal relationship (in the terms that she wasn't in a house hidden from everyone, not talking to anyone, not answering the phone) to entering into a relationship from day number one like me and being hidden from everyone as if I don't exist? Would there be any woman in the world that wouldn't complain about feeling treated like this?

[Süsser Tod]

After 9 months you're "considering leaving"???

 

Bad news, if it hasn't changed in 9 months it is not going to suddenly change and turn into a fairy tale! You've given the guy a very good chance to get his act together in 9 months.

 

Seriously, what are you waiting for? God is not going to come down and bless you to leave.

[lauragutierrez]

yes, I know it sounds crazy that after all this time I am still talking about "considering leaving". I guess it is much easier to see things when you are out of the situation and look at them from the distance, however when it is you suffering you don't seem to see things so clearly.

 

I try to think that this was happening to someone else and if that was the case I would tell them to leave. I would tell them that if after having given all they have, after doing all they could, still they don't get what they deserve then it is time to abandone.

[Managor]

Ask yourself a few questions to see if there's any reason you should stay. Are you not leaving because you don't want to give up, or you're afraid to make a decision that big, or you feel like it's somehow unfair to him or wronging him, or for some other reason?

[Süsser Tod]

yes, I know it sounds crazy that after all this time I am still talking about "considering leaving". I guess it is much easier to see things when you are out of the situation and look at them from the distance, however when it is you suffering you don't seem to see things so clearly.

 

 

Yes, I know. You know, it is easy to preach...

 

Anyway, I know I wouldn't be able to put up with so much poop.

[Momene]

Yes, I know. You know, it is easy to preach...

 

Anyway, I know I wouldn't be able to put up with so much poop.

 

Yes, I wish I would follow my own advice sometimes!

[Hope75]

Hi Laura,

 

Yes, you are right. It is always easier when you are on the outside looking in.

 

You seem like a very intelligent girl, I'm just curious if you honestly think things are going to change, and even if that is a possibility, if after 9 months you think he even deserves a change to try and redeem himself. Since he hasn't made any indications so far from what you write that anything is going to change, I'm wondering if you might consider a deadline for drastic improvement or leaving.

 

You still haven't said why he won't allow you to let anyone know that you live there with him?

[lauragutierrez]

thanks Hope75. The story is so long that I guess some of the things don't make sense when I write or I leave things out.

 

The reason why he doesn't want anyone to know that I live with him is because he has filed for divorce through court (although still waiting for a hearing with the decision) but he is still married with the church. According to him, he shouldn't be living with another woman, even if he is divorced through court, until he is divorced by the church as well.

 

To me this is so ridicolous. The Church will take years for annulment of marriage and that is if they ever grant it. What does that mean? that people cannot continue with their lives unless the church says so? If you have already divorced someone through court and you are happy with someone new, why should you hide them? i am not a lover that is hiding from the wife. And I shouldn't hide because of the church.

 

He tells me that although he believes in the church and God, he doesn't agree with the church about the part of not being able to start with someone new and be happy again. he says: why should he wait until they decide? But he is contradicting himself. If he doesn't agree with that bit that the church says whey does he hide me?

[Momene]

As a Christian, I don't think he'll go to Hell for living with someone before the annulment comes through. If he does, I'll be keeping him company.

[SarahRose]

Laura, that is just absurd on his part! What a lame excuse. Did he tell you all this before you moved there to be with him?

 

If he knew this, then why get involved with anyone in the first place?

 

This is very unfair to you.

[Momene]

Laura, that is just absurd on his part! What a lame excuse. Did he tell you all this before you moved there to be with him?

 

If he knew this, then why get involved with anyone in the first place?

 

This is very unfair to you.

 

Agree! He hasn't been honest. What a rat!!!!

[Managor]

You're right in that he's contradicting himself. He should never have put you in a situation like this one; having to hide you in his house for months and months. If he cared about you and not himself so much you wouldn't be in this situation.

 

I know you can probably try and reason things but the fact is what's happened so far, and it sounds like you've been miserable and with good reason. This is as good an indication as any of how things will be in the future for you two - and I certainly don't think you deserve it. Like Hope suggested I think you need to consider setting deadlines to motivate yourself to make a decision on things.

[Hope75]

He invited you here to live with him... knowing it was against his religion??

 

Bottom line is that it is completely unfair to expect you to live like this, and if after 9 months he's made no changes, I just don't see that happening.

 

At this point, you know how he is, and what this is going to be like, indefinitely. You have the control now to put a stop to it by going home and leaving him. It's not likely to change.... 9 months is a long time to get his act together, as someone previously posted.

 

You are only being treated as you allow yourself to be.

[lauragutierrez]

No, he didn't tell me before coming here that he couldn't live with me or he was going to hide me. We both knew and liked the idea that we were going to live together. I thought things at the beginning would take a bit of time to settle and of course I wasn't demanding anything at the start as I understood the situation. Even when he asked me not to pick up the phone (as he said: "for the time being") I understood. What hurts me enormously is that after 9 months I am still in that situation and I don't see anything changing. He never mentioned anything about living together until after 5 months of living together when he talked to his brother who suggested him that we should't be living together and then he just comes home one day and tells me that we shouldn't be living together. You make someone come here all the way and leave everything for you and only the fact that that idea crosses your mind is already bad enough.

 

Even his family came to see me and talk to me a couple of times at the very beginning, just after arriving and they haven't even spoken or seen me or anything since January. All this covered with the reason that it is against the church that he lives with me under the same roof. And that is something for what I will always hate them. It seems to me they just came to test me, see how I was, check on me and after that we don't even want to know anything about you. I would have never minded if they never came or talk but to do that and then ignore me as if I don't exist, that is disgusting.