opinions

[emmyj]

ok I'm new here and there is no way to sugarcoat my situation so I won't even try!

I'm married and have been having an affair with a friends hubby for over 12 months now, it started because I had been having serious issues with my hubby and his addiction to porn and the fact that some woman was ringing saying she was his gf.

I know that was no real excuse but the guy was a shoulder to lean on that started flirting with me and I felt wanted and needed for the first time in ages. Anyways I've fallen in love with him but kept it to myself and gone on with my marriage as tho nothing happened except the other day my bf tells me he wants to leave his wife and take the kids from both marriages and be together, that he loves me. I didn't know what to say to that so told him "if only wishes were possible" he is adamant it IS going to happen but I'm not sure I want it to. There is no gaurantee things would work and I already feel bad enough abt what happened without that.

Problem is I can't get him out of my head and keep wondering......

I know I'm sure to cop some flak over the infedelity thing but whats ur honest opinion on what I shld do?](*,)

[aaspaas]

you shoud definitely get him out of your head, because he's not worth you...just move on

[Upsetwifeofone]

No flak from me emmyj.

 

You're obviously in a predicament (doh! that's why you joined!). Go with your heart sweetie, but think it through!

 

Is it all about your husband's addiction to porn? I'm not threatened with porn parse as I know it's not something my husband is "joining in with", in fact sometimes we laugh about it, or get a few good ideas *blush*.

 

The other woman claiming to be his gf, did you confront him with this?

 

We all need a shoulder to lean on and there's nothing wrong with that as such, but there are boundries. To me, if you have truly fallen in love with another man, then there isn't much to suggest you were "in love" with hubby. So here's point one...you can't go on with your marriage as though nothing has happened because it has. The biggest step you can take is being honest with yourself and then with your husband.

 

It's your friends hubby, I'm guessing it must be a close-ish friend so you'll know her situation quite well. As a mother, taking kids away will be awful for both you and her, it's not easy taking on someone elses kids under any circumstance. It's another huge step, are you prepared to take it?

 

In life nothing is guaranteed apart from death, that is the only thing that befalls us all whether we like it or not.

 

This guy is in your head and your heart, you need to address this as to keep wondering means you are involved totally with two men. Be true to yourself is the only advice I can give. But maybe the points I've raised will help you to look at the bigger picture.

 

Good Luck.

[Mr Mister1]

You'd have to really really REALLY want it to go through all the mess that this will take you though, and you don't sound that sure.

Would you be happy with him? Do you know you'd be able to trust him? (Afterall he's cheating on his wife?) Also you'd need to think about how your children will be affected.

 

Taking the above into account..

 

Computer says NO!

[Siriana]

What do YOU want to do?

 

Let me see....:

1. do you want to try to sort things up with your husband? I mean, did you marry him because you loved him and for all the other valid reasons? Are you compatible...Do you think that you could or want to try to save your marriage? Or you feel that you just can't stand him anymore and that is too late to save anything?

 

Do you want to leave your husband no matter the fact wheter you have his replacement or not? If you rather be completely alone than with him than you have your answer.

 

2. about this other guy: is it just sexual attraction or there is more? Have you talked with him enough to find out wheter you are compatible? How good do you knoe each other?

 

Hm,.... this is complicated situation...

Please don't make this important decision based on that stupid tought "because of your children". But also be objective and don't make this decision based on the honeymoon phase with your lover.

[Cadence308]

I think you need to decide what you really need and want to do. Do you love your husband and want to work things out? Do you know why these women were calling your house, claiming to be his gf? Sounds like he met them online and gave them his number.

 

Sounds like the affair with this other guy just happened, as I'm sure most affairs do. Have you thought about seeking the counseling of a professional before making any rash decisions? You should also listen to your heart and don't wait too long to make a decision. There's a lot of people who will be affected by your decision.

[chai714]

There are some things you need to do before considering leaving.

 

The first and most obvious would be to file for a divorce. Your husband deserves at least that much.

 

Your lecture: There is no justification for cheating, whether it be "I was neglected," "he was addicted to porn," or even, "he was abusing me." You, as a human have a choice to leave or stay. It's not possible to be with another man outside of your marriage AND work out your current problems inside your marriage.

 

Set this whole "love" thing aside for now and take care of business first. It may seem appealing to leave right now, but once you actually have to go through a divorce, pack up all your belongings, it will all take an emotional, stressful toll on you.

 

So, first things first - do whatever you're going to do with your husband. Second, deal with either ending the affair (if you choose to stay with your husband), leaving your husband and being single for a bit, or you can jump from one man to another.

[Holiday]

There are so many at stake in this decision. Your husband, your friend, the children. Normally, I'd say follow your bliss, but this is so much more than that. This comes down to adult responsibility.

 

It's truly impossible to think clearly when someone else is on your wish list. You won't be able to give your current relationship a fair chance.

 

"Porn addiction" is a coin phrase these days that used to make a man look perverted and sick. But it's nothing more than an overused household term now that many woman use to label men they no longer want to be with. I'm one of them. It's so not fair.

 

You can't do this now. Why are you so convinced this is LOVE?

[emmyj]

it's not just abt porn, there is sooooo much more to my story it's to difficult to put it all down. My first post was the boiled down basics.

Effectively I've known my bf longer than I knew my hubby and have liked him since we first met but he was in a relationship, we lost contact for a while then he got together with my friend as "bed buddies" it was all sex to them but especially to her. Unfortunately she fell pregnant after 2 weeks and he did the honourable thing and married her.

He has never been entirely happy and she has always accused him of cheating so he got the idea if he was being accused he may as well do it, this after 7 yrs of marriage. I was in a relationship at the time they got together otherwise he wld have asked me out. So somehow we just kept missing each other.

I feel like he's who I shld have been with but my hubby is like an old slipper, comfy and I know where I am with him. I do love him and I know ppl say it's not possible to love 2 ppl but here I am....... I'm not a big risk taker and am terrified of being a single mum of 3. I know if hubby finds out he'll leave (and frankly I wouldn't blame him) but although bf says he will be there for me I know that a lot of guys say that sort of thing then nvr come thru with the goods.

My biggest prob is that I stand to lose everything but could also gain alot. I don't deal well with change tho and if I left hubby a LOT wld change. I wld also lose my friend and thats hard too.

For my part I have been with hubby 6 yrs now and 5 of those we have fought over other women ringing him, watching porn and the way it makes me feel degraded (to which I was initially told "deal with it!"), trust issues as he wld constantly tell me one thing to find he'd done something else. And I also caught him discussing fantasies etc with women online, which he said was just a bit of fun but he had nvr told me these things. On top of that he had a crush on a well known celebrity and during an argument he deliberatly tried to hurt me by going into explicit detail abt what he wanted to do with her and told me he'd leave me for someone who even just looked like her!

I left him at one point over it all and 3 days later he rang begging me to come back, promising it would all stop and it's been a while now but every now and then I find things on the pc that he claims must be from innocent pop-ups.....

As you can see my life is rather complicated and I still havent really delved but yes I've had counselling (hubby refused to go) and am at a crossroads. I want my cake and to be able to eat it!!

So confused.........](*,)

[wayne]

I feel like he's who I shld have been with but my hubby is like an old slipper, comfy and I know where I am with him.

 

So did you ever want your husband the way you should want a man you're married to? It doesn't sound like it. If not, your husband has to be able to sense it on some level. If you never wanted him, chances are you never will, and your marriage is screwed.

 

I do love him and I know ppl say it's not possible to love 2 ppl but here I am....... I'm not a big risk taker and am terrified of being a single mum of 3.

 

You don't have to be a single mum of 3. You could always let your husband keep the kids.

 

For my part I have been with hubby 6 yrs now and 5 of those we have fought over other women ringing him, watching porn and the way it makes me feel degraded (to which I was initially told "deal with it!"), trust issues as he wld constantly tell me one thing to find he'd done something else.

 

In his situation, I too would spend a lot of time fantasizing about and watching movies about women that get excited and turned on, and would be loath to give it up on the orders of a woman that's only with me because she couldn't get the man she really wanted.

 

So this guy spends his time with a woman who feels that he is an "old slipper", and he's being ordered to not even fantasize about or watch movies about women that actually get excited and turned on. What a depressing life. Stop wasting his time, let him find a woman that actually wants him, and find a man that you actually want. If you can't have this man, find another man that you actually want and don't get married until you do.

[novaseeker]

It's not odd to have an affair in the situation you are in. It often happens. In fact, most affairs come from situations where people feel unsatisfied in their marriages.

 

The key issue for you, though, is that it's pretty nigh-on impossible to figure out what you really want to do with the marriage when you're involved with someone outside the marriage. It really colours everything, and it encourages you to make decisions based on false premises.

 

You're in a difficult position, but the best course would be for you to break off your relationship with the other guy and give yourself space to figuire out whether you'd like to remain married or not.

[emmyj]

To Wayne, yes I wanted to be with my husband, (I deeply love him and never had any intention of doing such an awful thing to him) had put aside my feelings for this other man when he married my friend. It was only after I had left my hubby over the porn and women calling that he came to me to comfort me and after that it was revealed that he liked me too. I still want my hubby even now hence the original post. Strange as that sounds

The old slipper comment was meant to sound more like we know each other so well and I don't know the other guy anywhere near as much as I shld considering. Obviously everyone has their secrets but I have told my hubby things no-one else on earth knows so we are close in most respects (except this one )

Also even tho I don't want to be a single mum that DOESN"T mean I dont want my kids! I was merely trying to confer the idea that I F***ed up big time and don't like what the consequences may be.

As to wasting his time, it was him looking at porn and having other women calling among the miriad of other things he put me thru that resulted in me going outside our relationship in the first place not him doing it because I "control" him. I have no problem with a healthy liking for fantasy and variety in our sex life however when he was choosing to look at porn while his 6 month pregnant wife was laying in the other room asking "what's wrong with me?" and he was tossing off over women he cld never have it ends up eroding a persons self confidence.

Now I know I made a mistake, a major one, and now I'm trying to deal with it. This is more an issue of problems at home that have turned to outside help I feel and has escalated from there. I've already broken it off with the other guy b4 and we still keep coming back to each other. I have left him again since my original post taking the advice of some ppl on here to try and sort thru my marriage issues first but this is hard when my hubby isn't willing to be involved in sorting things out. There IS nothing wrong as far as he is concerned. So I'm at a loss.......