Rehab facility for healing after break-up

[bstrong2day]

I would be willing to put my life on hold for a few weeks to enter a rehab facility that deals specifically with healing after a break-up. I'm barely hanging on right now. I haven't eaten a full meal in weeks. I'm dangerously unproductive at work. My family isn't supportive, my friends have all moved out of state. All I can think about is my ex-fiance (what went wrong, why, it can't be fixed anymore, she's moving on, she might be thinking about someone else, etc.) and how my future has been shattered. I'm humiliated. Everything in my current life reminds me of her. It's the reason I'm living in this state. It's the reason I'm here right now. I'm a broken record, and realize I am in need of help. My counselor has been supportive, although there is only so much you can get done in a 45 minute session once a week (she's all booked up). I don't want to go on medication, and I don't want to go to a hospital, although I do need some form of intervention. Right now I can't help myself. Is there any place out there in the southwest US that is out there for me?

 

For those who don't know my story click on my profile and "threads started". Any help would be appreciated.

[temujin]

good luck..

[Cute Band Rat]

Bstrong I wish there WAS something like this...but I don't think anyone sees losing a relationship as anything life threatening. ..like a drug rehab would.

Maybe it's something YOU can start up. Why not?? Start a support group. It could help....if you do keep us posted.

[Dako]

Is this your first major breakup?

 

What do you imagine would happen in a rehab facility for heartbreak? The only thing that heals you is time, and time passes at the same rate everywhere.

 

It's like an illness that take a certain period of time to get over. Everyone is different, but it takes months.

There are no drugs, secrets or magic spells that replace time as the healer.

[temujin]

Actually this may help, Things which I did and these are things which I did from the simplest to the hardest

 

1) If your current job reminds you of her, find a new one

2) If the place you stay reminds you of her, find a new one

3) Attend lessons, meet people. Dance, gym, etc.

4) Find back your friends, you will be surprised how willing they are to help out

5) Find as many people to talk to as possible. When one gets tired of your story, find another.

6) Yes there will be times of clarity and there will be times of confusion but the clarity will prevail more and more each day. To be frank, 6 months and I am still crying at the thought of her horrible lies and betrayal but I can hold my head high saying that most of hte time when the situation demands me, I am able to control my moods to suit it. And I never want her back again.

7) Don't force yourself or be too hard on yourself. It can be easy to try and force away the painful thoughts but it will be better to let the pain wash over you and sooner you will realise that each relaspe will recover a shorter recovery time and each time you will feel better.

 

Finally, don't doubt your own ability to survive this, yes you will and you will live to show her how she made the greatest mistake of her life.

[Holiday]

The only thing that heals you is time, and time passes at the same rate everywhere....There are no drugs, secrets or magic spells that replace time as the healer.

 

I agree. I really think you should look yourself in the mirror for five minutes and look hard into your own two eyes without blinking as long as you can. Look for that strong person beneath all the red teary flesh. Look at that person and remember, that's the person you are. That's who you need to be now. Find you passion deep within you and sieze the day - THERE IS NO ENERGY THAT CAN MATCH THAT OF A BREAK-UP. Channel it and use it constructively. If you use it right, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish!!!

[bstrong2day]

Is this your first major breakup?

 

What do you imagine would happen in a rehab facility for heartbreak? The only thing that heals you is time, and time passes at the same rate everywhere.

 

It's like an illness that take a certain period of time to get over. Everyone is different, but it takes months.

There are no drugs, secrets or magic spells that replace time as the healer.

 

This is the third break-up I've been through in my life. But, this is far and away the most devastating. There is no comparison, really.

[Dako]

You have the strength to endure this one day at a time.

 

 

My wife left me after 27 years, and it was the worst so far.

I was put into a "treatment facility."

It was a friggin nightmare.

[AwdreeHpburn]

dude, I'm so sorry to read of your pain.

 

I think Daks is on to something when he says one day it.

 

One day at a time.

 

Time will help but so will looking for things outside of the pain, like Temujin said. Change your scenery. Do things that make NEW memories. Take the space and time that will distance you from it and her.

 

Best of luck dude. We're here!!

[Russo]

I can imagine. It's been nearly three weeks for me. I've started getting back to work, to just ease back in. I've set up counselling sessions. (tomorrow is my first one)

 

On other levels, it's like being an animal and how it responds to stress. They suddenly develop a lot of adrenaline when threatened and get into "fight or flight" mode. Same with humans, but it's only natural if it's only for a couple of moments after which the stress subsides. In most of our cases, the stress is not relieved, it builds up layer after layer, after which the body gradually breaks down. It's not called "heart"-break for nothing. The stress and amounts of adrenaline your body builds up because of emotional distress is not relieved and the fibres in your muscles tend to cramp up. Same with your heart. People actually die of sadness. Now then, I hadn't eaten for two weeks back to back and lost over 16 pounds in the process, and it was showing.

 

But, one morning I looked in the mirror and could see my abs coming through. I hadn't seen those in a while, it made me smile for the first time in weeks. (dumb huh?) I told someone of this and he said: "yeah, the stress will eat you up literally. But before you go "yahoo" it's also eating up your muscle tissue, losing weight is one thing. But this ain't right dude."

 

Know what I did? I started feeding myself. Water, lots of water. And heaps of fruit. Bananas, apples, pears whatever I could get my hands on. Then I ran. Ran until my lungs were about to explode. My heart went 2 million miles a second and I kept going. And while I was doing that I was just thinking of her. The pain, the anguish, the pure anger that was coursing through me, and I had a little mantra while I was running: "you're not breaking me, you're NOT breaking ME!, YOU'RE NOT BREAKING ME!" until I nearly collapsed.

 

After I finally stopped, sitting there, panting, heaving, sweating, I closed my eyes and just, for a brief moment, let the sun touch my face and for those precious few seconds she wasn't there, not in my heart or mind. She was gone.

 

I went home, ate some more and relaxed for a bit. There she was again. And the emotions bubbled up again. Sit-ups, push-ups, anger. Just pressing up like a madman. BAM! BAM! BAM! Again, tired. And again. A few seconds peace.

 

What I'm trying to say is in regard to the "fight or flight" theory, you can't run away from yourself, the pain is in you. You can't fight the situation either, so you're powerless right?

 

Wrong.

 

I found a way to vent the excesses. Fortunately for me, I'm a easy-gainer. I build up muscle tissue very fast. So I channelling the pain and the suffer into myself in a productive way, making my body stronger and leaner.

 

Another benefit of a stronger and fitter body is that it is able to withstand STRESS. It's not mind over matter in my case. This time the body tells the mind to shut the hell up and let it do the work for once.

 

I'm getting physically stronger every day. I put on a bit of weight everyday and it's not body-fat. Just pure lean muscle. And it feels GOOD! Another month and it'll be beach season for me.

 

And all she'll be by then will be dust blown away by the wind. Her mistake, her loss.

 

You'll get through this, just don't let it eat you up. Literally. Hang in there.

[Cute Band Rat]

Bstrong in your situation..what I think makes it hardest for you is that

 

1) you never saw this breakup coming at all...and you have had absolutely NO concrete answers on WHY your ex left you. She did it in such a * * * *ty and horrible way that you are left to pick up the pieces.

 

2) You have no REAL outlet for your pain. As you said talking to someone for 45 minutes sometimes is not always enough...you need to another outlet and sometimes being busy is another one.

 

Look into starting a support grpup for people going through a break up. Call around..maybe something is available.

[temujin]

Russo,

 

You are so right about exercise and getting good food. I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks right after my breakup. Then i rediscovered swimming again which I neglected during my 3 years with her. Every now and then when I am so down, I will go swimming, swim 30-40laps at full speed and then relax by the poolside to enjoy the scenery(heh).....

 

I find myself feeling tired around midnight these days and that helped me to sleep after all that insomia crap..

 

Yup, MAKE A CHANGE, YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Dako]

Walking and hiking did a lot for me. I often hiked out into the desert until I was exhausted and slept there, did some rock climbing and thinking.

[temujin]

find a new hobby. I finally invested in a DSLR and is now travelling with it whenever I have a chance.

[Dako]

I went for a new laptop and a motorcycle to buy my way out of the hole.

[temujin]

Yeah haha, Guys do retail therapy too! hah!

 

Bstrong2day,

 

We were there and we are here now. Hang in there.

[Holiday]

you never saw this breakup coming at all...and you have had absolutely NO concrete answers on WHY your ex left you. She did it in such a * * * *ty and horrible way that you are left to pick up the pieces.

 

Couldn't agree more, she handled this terribly. I would find myself really resenting her for being so icy and not allowing for closure. She didn't even say, hey, love, we had some good times, we're both adults, I'm sorry, I love you, but I have to go! for ME. I think the way she handled this would have put me in the looney bin for a day and then, I'd be in my angry phase.

[Holiday]

I went for a new laptop and a motorcycle to buy my way out of the hole.

 

Nothing like shopping/retail therapy - it's a shot in the arm.

[bstrong2day]

I'm in this state, and she still has the engagement ring.

[Dako]

Right now, you need to be gentle to yourself.

Drink lots of water, go to the store or send a friend for some food that 's ready to eat. Make yourself eat something, or run something through the blender and drink it. You feel crappy enough without going skeletal.

Don't listen to music or watch TV that brings you down. It's too easy to have memories triggered by those things. Go outside and look at the sky, walk around, pet a dog, scream in your car, cry, or something to get it out. Sitting indoors and wallowing in introspection might seem like self-improvement, but it's just wallowing and rehashing the pain.

 

I found no help in self-help books, in fact I find them depressingly cynical and over hyped. They might help you, but you sound introspective to a fault.

 

You have an illness much like the flu. It takes a few months before you feel better and you will get better.

Someday you'll get angry. You don't have to strangle your ex, just channel it into something constructive.

Don't worry about the ring right now. You have to heal a bit.

[bstrong2day]

Thanks Dako. I'm at work right now, and find myself scurrying into my office to jump on the computer and spill my guts. It's the only thing that keeps me going. It's my only outlet. I'm losing the battle. I'm contemplating putting my life on hold to get myself "right" again. But, at 27, I'm saving for mortgage payments and can't really just check out of my life. It's a no win situation.

 

I

 

It's been 35 days since the break-up.

[Dako]

Give it 30 days. No matter what you do, in 30 days you'll get a sense of progress. That's four workweeks and you can eat icecream or just scream on the week ends.

[Holiday]

Yeah, ice cream!!! I usually go without food after a break-up as it's the only thing I feel I can control. Eating is something I do with partners and we have so much fun doing it, but when a relationship is dying or a pet dies, I can't eat either. But the fact is, the longer you refrain, the more your appetite dies. I actually get peppy with food and without it, I get way more melancholly. I once fasted for seven days straight and the weeping would come in waves like once every twelve hours. After eating for two days straight, I was back to normal.

[Dako]

I went for a long time without food, but one day I became ravenous and couldn't stop eating. My friend convinced me to stop before I hurt myself.

[deejay74]

actually there are "abandonment" support groups out there. i came accross a great book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

 

It really helped me out and there is a website about the book which has a "group" section in which you may be able to find support groups to help you with your break up.

 

go here and check it out: link removed

 

also, check out the book as well. it may help you.

 

hang in there, you'll be fine eventually. i thought i would never heal but i have and for me, nothing but time and seeing a therapist helped. along with reading the book i mentioned.

 

take care of yourself!