Not sure what to do with myself

[nick E]

Here goes...(I'll try and be as concise as possible) I met my now ex-gf my Freshmen year of college. I was local, she was out of state, and had a boyfriend at the time (I was fairly fresh out of a relationship). We clicked really well, and I think I more or less convinced her to end her relationship with the highschool bf for me. Things were great the first year, and that summer I took a class at a local college with some friends of mine (all female).

 

Things went well that summer, between us, but Sopomore year is when some of the problems started. The jealousy issue was the main problem. Basically, there was one girl that was a good friend of mine, since I started at school, we were in all of the same classes and remained friends throughout. Completely not my type, and I could never see myself with her, the gf knew that; yet, was still very jealous of the time that I spent with her (in class, and studying).

 

Sophomore year ends, she breaks up with me very soon into the summer. We don't talk for a bit. I see a picture of her online with her highschool bf and I call her, very upset. I go to MCAT class that night, and when I got back she had driven 3 hours and was waiting for me at my home. We were back together...she talked to my mom a long time about the whole jealousy thing and I thought it was resolving itself over time, but it didn't.

 

Junior year was OK, still some of the same problems. Broke up AGAIN that summer and in very short time she was back with the highschool bf, this time MUCH more serious. It was the worst summer of my life. Anyways, she was with him the whole summer, and THEN we got back together the first night back at school, which wasn't what I had intended. First semester was a lot of reconciling and things were good. Gave her a Promise ring second semester...things were pretty good, we graduate, each move back home. I started getting wind that she was in communication with highschool/summer bf, but it "wasn't like that". I asked if she would rather live here or back home. She said back home, and in conjunction with the former beau, I had enough and said I was throwing in the towel.

 

I broke rules with NC and talked to her a couple of days ago. The long and short of it is, she wasn't comfortable enough with the relationship to move out here, being unsure, and the same for me. We both agreed that things were pretty good between us, but didn't scream marriage. She feels that she should know that after all this time, I say that there's been a lot getting in the way of things (including our past and stress of finding a job).

 

Added to all of this, her parents for the past 8 years fought a ton and got a divorce during her Sophomore year (they are each now twice remarried and single). She doesn't trust relationships and thinks that we have problems, how will they ever get better, they can only get worse. That was very frustrating to me, and I got pretty upset about that, especially because I come from parents who really love each other.

 

Anyways, I don't know what to do. It's like I expect we'll get back together (even though the outlook doesn't seem good), but I don't know what I want. I miss her terribly, like I do every summer. I make excuses up for her about why she does what she does. In many ways, we are perfect for each other. On the other hand, trust was really an issue, if you could imagine that! What do I do??! (Sorry it's long, thanks for reading it all).

 

I'm thinking just give it time (NC), don't crawl or beg to her (anymore). Let her figure out what she wants and what I want to. I thought I did that last summer, and that it was finished, I was wrong.

[l0stNc0nfuzzLed]

i'm somewhat in that situation right now. i know it's hard to not contact the other person. and it sucks when it's on and off and there issues where you can't fix when you want to. you want things to be perfect. you want things the way they were in the beginning when everyone was happy. and the relationship is always different after every break up.

 

my ex-bf as of yesterday had a trusting issue too. i have guy friends and they're only friends, nothing more. and he doesn't like me hanging with them. his belief is that guys and girls cannot just be friends. he said he doesn't keep in contact with his exes at all, and he doesn't have any female friends. the only females in his life are his sisters and mother. and the first time he broke up with me, was because i was with male friend. i have to say it was partially my fault because i didn't tell him so it seemed like i was cheating on him. but he didn't even talk about it with me. it was just "we're over." it hurt me but after some talking we got back together. then later down the road he broke up with me again because he didn't like the fact that one of my friends i still keep in contact with, i slept with once upon a time. we got back together and yesterday he ended it for good. he had his reasons, but my friends were saying he's just an * * * * * * * and wants out. and that if he really loves me and cares for me, then just give him some time and he'll come back.

 

i like to believe the whole trusting thing can be fixed, but that person needs to fix that themselves. you can't help her with that, even if you did completely stop seeing your female friends. you both are just out of college, and are still young. i'm probably around your age. i'm 21 and still in college. and my ex is 26. he pointed out that i'm young and i dont know what i want and that's a reason he didn't want to be with me anymore. you may know what you want but it seems like she doesn't. i would just give it time. NC is good. i know it's painful. it hurts, but i'm going through pain too and i know how it feels. only time can tell.

 

keep yourself busy. that's all i can say. try avoiding things that remind you of her.

[nick E]

Thanks for the advice. The really weird thing to me, is that the girl that was my I guess you would call "study buddy" is someone that I COULD NEVER date, most innocent girl you ever met.

 

My buddies and I concluded last night that she gets jealous of everything I do, regardless of how insignificant, because one of two things: Either she's really insecure with herself, or she does it to justify what she did or is doing now with her bf back at home.

 

Before we got back together this year, I tried to get her to be more independent. Her other bf basically neglected her at home, didn't return calls, didn't want to see her everyday. I on the otherhand, spent every free moment with her (not really by choice). Which one is better? Probably somewhere in the middle.

 

The bottom line is, you can't expect to change someone like that...they have to do it by themself. Problem is, I am fairly confident she's just going to stay in that cycle because she has trouble being alone...oh well

[l0stNc0nfuzzLed]

well the thing is, some of my friends have told me that he might not like that i'm with other guys because if he were in a situation with other girls, he probably would sleep with them, so knowing that he probaly won't be able to control himself, he thinks i wouldn't. so maybe she's the same way. maybe that's why he has a trusting issue. i thought maybe someone hurt him real bad in the past, but apparently it isn't. it's the fact that he can't control himself, so he thinks i wouldn't either. and he's probbaly insecure as well. and anything i say or do didn't make him feel anymore secure. i feel he was also needy. he's the "baby" in the family and the only son. so i can understand his mom probably spoon fed everything to him. and he even admitted that he's needy and he needs attention. and i'm giving it to him and now he doens't want it. i dont get it. at all.

 

and her being dependent, i can understand becauyse ive come to terms that i indeed am dependent. but once i'm over someone, i;m not dependent on them anymore. with her, she probably doesn't want to go through what i'm going through now, and probably as well as what you're going through now. all she's thinking about is her feelings. i understand she's taking care of herself first, but she needs to consider yours too if she really cared about you. with her playing with your feelings like this, i think she's only thinking about what she wants and not yours. she as this need for someone there whether it's you or her bf. and when she starts losing her bf, she has you to go to. my first ex was like that. when we broke up it was sa mutual thing. and when he got a new gf, and they had problems, he would run to me and cry on my shoulder. but when i needed him, he was never there.

 

i was told this advice, and i told this to someone else because it is really true. and i will tell it to you. you are his "in case of emergency, break the glass" guy. because she knows you'll always be there for her, regardless. me first ex made it so easy for me to get over him though because he would do the stupidest things that would piss me off, and would make me say "i'm not dealing with you anymore." he lied to his girlfriend at the time and me, and blamed me for ruining his life because his girlfriend at the time gave him hell for still being friends with me. i understand it was partially my fault because i kept calling him all the time, but i admit my part of the blame.

 

i know i'm rambling, sorry. but what i'm trying to say is, she may need you, but you don't need her. because if she's not going to be there for you and keep hurting you, then you don't need her.

[nick E]

Perhaps it doesn't help that i'm bombed right now....BUT, i went out for a Bachelor party (with one of my professors, weird in and of itself) and met a former student of his, nicest girl in the world. Anyways, had a lot of fun with her, and I realized that I'm not a terrible person....which I know sounds kind of stupid, but I was always made to feel like I was such a bad person when I was in my previous relationship. The truth is, the ex made me feel that way bc of the dumb jealousy arguments and the guilt she put on me.

 

Long story short, I really believe that it's important for people to try and go out and do stuff after a break up. As cliche as it is, you might be missing out on the person who was MEANT to be with you, instead of the person who you just broke up with. We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow, but, this little bit of confidence really does help!

[l0stNc0nfuzzLed]

well whether this girl is the one or not, it's good it's helping you move on.