Went with someone else??

[Nikki23]

Hey guys! Not been on in a while but needed some help with whats happened in this mess of a situation!

 

Been split up with my ex for 5 weeks, I've moved away and started a new life. Been in contact chatting and things. He called me tonight and ended up asking if I'd been with anyone, said that I didn't think we should be discussing it and would.n't elaborate. He then told me he's kissed someone and slept with another person. So I admitted I'd kissed someone.

 

When we split up the 1 st time I went travelling and he started seeing someone on the rebound. He didn't tell me about it becuase he didnt think I would get back together with him if I knew and cause he knew it was a mistake and that caused huge problems when I found out about it, one of the reasons we split the 2nd time around.

 

So he said he wanted to be honest cause he thought if we got back together he didn't want any secrets and he is thinking he wants to. I feel as if he has tried to hurt me?? And tried to get a reaction?? He says that he had no ulterior motive and that he just wanted to be honest. But why would he bring it up in the 1st place when he knew he had done worse than me and knew he would have to tell me that he had kissed and slept with someone?

 

Any insight would be gr8!! ](*,)

[itsallgrand]

I don't know what his intentions were. I can guess....and none of them are good.

 

That was inappropriate and mean, I think. There was no reason for him to say that. It's hurtful and you didn't need to know that.

 

You guys tried twice. I think you are better off without him. At the least; he is thoughtless/clueless/immature. At the worse; he is cruel.

 

I highly suggest offering no more info and cutting contact. But, y'know, take it or leave it.

 

take care!

[JJRadical]

To be honest you are right. He wants a reaction...he wants control...

[rnorth]

I tend to disagree with the other two posts in that I don't think he was trying to be cruel, but he wasn't exactly very smart either..... I mean if he is thinking about getting back together with you, he probably should lay off the sauce and not hook up with other women.

 

I don't know all the circumstances, but it really all comes down to how you both still feel about each other even after these instances.

[Nikki23]

Thanks for the advice!! I just don't know what his intentions are. We have been split up a while and he says he wasn't sobre when he did these things and I have kissed someone too. He said if we got back together it would come up anyway and he's rather get it out the way and be honest

 

Because of his job as a dj he meets lots of girls so there is a lot of opportunity there but I've just moved to a new town and not started my new job yet so there is less opportunity. Maybe if ther e had been I would have kissed more people.

 

To be honest now I know he has slept with someone else I couldn't be with him again, I don't know if thats silly cause I know it doesn't mean anythng with guys and a one night stand but it tears me apart thnking of him in bed with another girl. (I had done well blocking it out and not imagining anything) but now hehas made it a reality and it's awful.

[HardShowingAffection]

That is a tricky conversation. It seems like both of your emotions are still very high and edgy. It is impossible to say what his intentions were, without knowing right from him.

 

Part of me can really see where he is coming from, in the fact that if he felt there ever was a chance of reconciling that he wanted to be up front and honest with you. What if the two of you did decide to reconcile, and at that point, it came up? Seems to me that it would be just as hard, if not harder to approach that conversation at a later point.

 

However, on the other side of the coin, is he the type of person to 'one-up' you, and he feels like he has to share with you that he is doing fine without you and he can find another girl?

 

Judging from the way you put it, I don't think he had bad intentions. I don't know how I would have handled this situation. Although, for me, I don't think I would have it in me to sleep with someone else until I had really moved on, which is exaclty what rnorht was saying. But that is just us. It is tricky... he IS single, and although you two might have hopes of reconciling and getting back together, you cannot put your life on hold for hopes alone.

 

Only you know how you feel about him, and only you can choose whether or not to forgive him for what he has done. If you truly love one another, you will have to figure out how you can work to resolve those issues, and put a process in place to create a successful happy relationship.

[Nikki23]

Can you explain why you would find it hard to sleep with someone until you had moved on? Out of guilt for the ex or for yourself?

 

Him and his friends are very laddy and I know he would've felt pressure but at the end of the day he chooses what he chooses.

 

When I kissed the guy we were at a party and slept in the same bed but nothing happened at all. He says this is just as bad but I really don't think it is, I think I could handle that! What do you think?

 

Thanks by the way for helping me, really puts thngs in perspective coming on here!

[HardShowingAffection]

It would be for myself. I just don't think I would be able to do that. But that is just me. Although when you are drinking, you view things a bit differently, not that it is an excuse, but you are probably more likely to be open to affection and the physical attraction.

 

You are absolutely right in the fact that at the end of the day, he chooses what he chooses. Just as he chose to tell you. I mean, realistically, he could have told you at a later time... or he could have chosen to never tell you period! We all make our own decisions, some good, some bad. We aren't perfect. Maybe he regrets it, maybe not. I guess the bottom line it that it happened, he told you about it as he felt he needed to be honest, and how you handle it from here is all up to you.

 

I am sure it absolutely tears him apart that you kissed another guy. Not to use this as an excuse, but for alot of guys, messing around, sex, etc, seems to have much more physical meaning than anything else (unless it is with your girlfriend). With women, there seems to be more emotional ties, and that is what will tear a guy apart.

 

Like I said, only you know your situation, and you know him. How you choose to handle the situation is ultimately up to you. Are you considering reconciling? What are some of the underlying issues that would have to be addressed? Are you willing to forgive? Are you willing to work towards the relationship? Is he? There is no sense in going forward if it is half hearted. You both have to be willing, and both have to be serious.

[Nikki23]

Thanks that's a real help and has reassured me. I don't know if I'm ready to reconcile, I've moved away, got a new job and feel as if my life is on track and I'm really wary of putting myself through any hurt again. Also, I don't think I will be able to forgive him or forget about him being with someone else. I know what I'm like and it would crop up again and again in my head and damge us in the long run.

 

We had a lot of problems with communiaction, being rational, doing things together and lots more. I don't know if things will be good for a couple of months and then revert back! I just actually cannot make a decision in my head about all this, all I'm doing just now is thinking about him with these girls, I'm quite a confident person and I'm a model (I'm not boasting, I couldn't care less about that) so it's not that the person will be extremely attractive or anything, it's just that the thought of him doing those things with someone else makes me wanna puke. Think it's maybe because he was the first person I was comfortable being intimate with and I knew that in he past he'd slept with a lot of girls and was quite upset about that. Just wish I could be rational and think about the future rather than focusing on the negative stuff!!!

 

God I'm a nightmare just repeating myself!!! Sorry for being a broken record, more just getting what I'm feeling out of my head!!

[HardShowingAffection]

It's allright! If you need to vent, go ahead and vent! The great thing is that you seem to have your life on track again and are taking the steps to move on with your life. I cannot blame you for not wanting to put yourself through any hurt again, and I don't think that is uncommon at all. Once again, there are two ways to look at that. First, you can work to protect your heart, and not put it out on the line again, thus, not risking getting hurt again. On the other side, you can put your heart on the line, risk getting hurt again, but also have the chance of creating that loving relationship you have always wanted. There is no easy answer! Only you know how you truly feel!

 

If you are not willing to forgive, (I don't think you should forget) then it is not fair to either of you to persue that relationship right now. It will just be a source for more problems in the future. Remember that forgiveness if for you! By forgiving, you are not agreeing with what he has done, nor are you forgetting.

 

My feeling is that most problems in relationships can be worked on and resolved if both parties are willing to work on them. What you can't fix is love... maybe I am too optimistic... who knows. I guess I feel that most of your problems and solutions lie within yourself. You have the ability to bring yourself happiness, and a partner can be a great aid in creating happiness, but you cannot hold them responsible for your happiness. It all starts with YOU! Sorry, getting a bit sidetracked here.

[Nikki23]

Ha ha no side trackings fine cause it's all relevent! Had a look at that post and it was really helpful! Think overall it's best if I leave it just now. I won't be able to start fresh with insecurities and sickness at what he's done, it'll eat away at me, it happened last time and it'll happen again because I can't stop it.

 

Thanks for your advice and taking the time to help others. This forum and the people on it are a godsend for anyone goin through problems in relationships, really helps you to not feel alone in what you're dealing with!! No doubt I'll be back in a couple of days though!!

[HardShowingAffection]

No problem Nikki, just glad that I can help. After going through what I have gone through, and learning what I have learned, grown how I have grown, it really makes me happy to be able to extend some help to others.

 

If you have a chance, let me recommend two books that I have read that were absolutely amazing:

 

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz

 

They are simple, easy to read books that have totally changed my view on life and the way I look at everyday situations. I would highly recommend them, and think they could have an amazing impact on your life!

 

Check them out, you won't be sorry!