I am dust and ashes

[amazing_wierdo]

I originally posted that my fiance broke up with me and wanted to "find herself." The replies said to move on and shut the door on it. "She has hurt you so take time to heal alone."

 

A week later I posted that I didn't want to be with her and she wasn't the one for me etc etc. This post was stupid of me and I guess it was just me losing control and venting.

 

I really do want to be with her but I can't change the situation. When we first met we just latched on to each other without falling in love naturally. Over time we each made the other fit a mold that we wanted. Then we each got upset because the other person was not happy with it. The relationship was not healthy and we both blamed the other one for it.

 

Now we realize that it was not staying true to ourselves and not making any efforts to fix the problems. Deep down she always wanted to be carefree and spontaneous and I resented her for that. Deep down I wanted to make moves to leave the area and face challenges and she resented me for that.

 

She wanted me to give her freedom so I'm trying to give it to her. It hurts so much because I realize how wonderful she is and how great our relationship could be. We are both still very much in love but this could end many different ways. She would like to date me and I don't know if its because she can't let go or if it's another chance to see if things will work out. I don't know if she will just stay alone for a long time and never want to try again with me. I don't know if we are going to date for a while and she will find someone else. The situation is completely out of my control.

 

I love her with all my heart and I want to be with her. We have a son together so I can't do the NC thing (I don't honestly want to do the NC thing though). My heart is still with her and I can't just stop loving someone. Most of my thoughts during the day are about her, as are my dreams. I'm constantly hoping that she will call or contact me. It's so hard not to smother her. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea blah blah but she is the one I want to be with. We have been together 8 years! That's about a 1/3 of my life.

 

What can I do?

[lonestar_80]

The Bible says that God gives us beauty for ashes. Isaiah 61:3

 

God will restore all that you have lost. Just be the best father you can be and stay in your son's life. Maybe one day you can get back together. Just work on healing your heart and pouring your love out to your son and others.

[need2bme]

I think too that it is hard to see the trees for the forest.

 

Yeah, I know it is the other way around. But I, like you, want to see the big pic. I want us back together again. I lost all sense of self, which is why your post touched me. I cannot be alone, so I need to work on that. I also know that I argued with her, because she wouldn't see things my way. Maybe she never will.

 

You have a child with her, so it is a different situation. Maybe you could just keep it LC. I too am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where do you draw the line, when you love someone, between wanting to show them and NC?

[amazing_wierdo]

I did lose a sense of myself. Most of my motivation in life came from realizing that it was all for my family. I am going to a CODA meeting tonight (co-dependents anonymous): link removed

I hope it helps. It feels like my life is at rock bottom.

 

She used to be very dependent on me until she started going to CODA. Now she seems much stronger and knows what she wants. While I am glad CODA is helping her out it still hurts a lot to know that she can't be with me right now. At this point in time there is nothing I want more than a healthy and happy relationship with her. She does care for me because she has been as supportive as possible. She answers all my phone calls and tries to assure me. She gave me her CODA medallion, which she valued greatly. On the back it says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I keep telling myself that I cannot say any magic words or flip a switch to get her back, but my brain just won't accept it ](*,) . In a way I think this was her way of saying that its not in my hands so stop beating myself up over it.

 

She wants freedom but she still wants to keep in touch. Since we have a son together than means we must do LC for him if nothing else. I love her very much and I believe it when she says she loves me. The only way I can have her right now is by dating her. The optimistic part of me hopes this is an opportunity to show that we can be happy together and respect who each other really is. The pessimistic part of me is scared that she is going to find someone else and that is really going to crush me (I'm crushed now, but thats going to be even worse). I can't flip a switch and stop loving her, no more than I can flip a switch to change whats in her heart.

 

 

lonestar_80 your post really touched me. It is really hard to believe that one day things will get better but I'm trying. It is just so hard loving anyone when I hate myself and my situation.

[need2bme]

Amazing: (I want to call you that, because it feels strang calling you weirdo)

 

I don't know exactly what to tell you about her wanting the support thing. I have noticed that now that the heartbreak is over a little, my GF is calling me about advice or to wish me a Happy Father's Day. Now, to me, it seems as if she wants her friend, but on her terms. I don't know how fair that is, but right now I am seeing where that goes.

 

I am afraid that if we get too close and she pulls away, that I will be right back at square 1. She is my bud and I want to be her friend, but I also want more and I don't think she does. Maybe, if we show them we can be friends, we can learn how to in the process.

 

I do know that we are not going to change or heal or not be co-dependent, if we hang on and do not get a life of our own. I can remember how nice it was in the beginning of my relationship. I was going to school, working out, working 2 jobs sometimes, seeing friends and going out, bowling, etc. In other words, it was not just going to work and then coming home to complain, as if to say to her, "I am not strong enough and I have no life, can you please make it all better"

 

The more I think about it, the more I wanted her to take care of my feelings. Sometimes we think they need to, to show they care. They can listen when they care and give 2 cents, but ultimately we have to learn to take care of ourselves.

 

I too belong to a 12 step program for addiction. I don't do drugs or alchohol, so there are only 2 main ones left. Anyway, 2 of the MOST important things you learn, is to not take others inventory and the Serenity Prayer. We all need to live by that prayer, but we need to know deep down what it means and learn how to implement it (I am still trying to get that part right).

 

Good luck.