First Post

[CanadaGirl]

Hi-

 

I've never done this before, so please bear with me... I just have reached a point where I feel like I can't keep this all inside of me anymore. I have a great family, etc., but nobody that I can talk about this to.

 

It's been a year and a half since my husband and I split up, and I'm in a new relationship with a man who I am really happy with. Most of the time I am content and excited for my new life... but it seems like a part inside of me won't let go of the pain and loss feelings about my husband. All of a sudden, I get this terrible pang of missing Matt, so bad I almost can't breathe. He is with someone new as well, and we have both moved to new towns, so it's not from running into him or anything.

 

I just loved him so very much, and was still in love with him when I left. The driving force behind me leaving was that my in-laws had moved in with us shortly after we moved in together, and what was supposed to be short term lasted two more years until I left. My father-in-law was wonderful, but my mother-in-law was really hard to deal with. Not an exaggeration, either... her mother and sister had repeatedly tried to have her hospitalized for mental instability. It had reached the point where she would actually come into my bedroom or bathroom unannounced and yell at me for things that never happened, etc. Shortly after our wedding Matt became a contractor, and he and his dad would leave on jobs for weeks at a time, leaving me and his mom at home.

 

After several months of that, I put my foot down and refused to have a child under the circumstances. Matt was very eager to have a family, and several large fights ensued. Finally, I couldn't take it and left. The only problem is that I was still very in love with my husband... who refused to have his mom move out or come home to protect me. So I never really got any closure on my feelings. While I hated how the situation was, I knew that I couldn't make a life like that.

 

Is it normal to still have feelings like this? It's hard... I love my new guy very much, and I feel guilty for missing Matt sometimes. I just really loved Matt with all my heart, and I know he loved me very much. Sometimes I get the picture of him with tears streaming down his face as I told him I was leaving, and I feel sick. Like I abandoned him. How do I let this go?

 

Thanks for listening.

[sonjam]

It is perfectly normal to miss him. When I divorced my hubby a long time ago it was not because I loved him any less, but because he cheated and had a mother similar to your husbands. I never loved him any less but I could not cope with the things that came with loving him. Same goes for you. IT took me a whole 2 years to get to the point where I could think about him, and his new life and new wife without crying. It is now 10 years later, I remarried and have a small child, and I'm really happy but one always look back and think what could have been. It is very hard to let go, but in the end you have to.

 

Even though you might still love him (and he you) your lives have moved on, and your priorities changed. Love is not a light switch that you can turn on and off at will...unfortunately.

 

What I'm trying to say is: it is normal to miss him, it will get better.

[keefy1972]

Try, each time you miss him, to remind yourself of how awful things were for you in a realistic light. The situation was obviously bad enough to make you want to start a new life. That's pretty bad. We as human beings have a tendency to idealize the past. That makes us crave it and miss it more than we really should. Just try to remember...you left for a VERY valid reason: You were unhappy.

[CanadaGirl]

Thank you so much, you guys. It's been really hard to deal with this, because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about the feelings I still have for my ex when I am so happy with my new guy. Like it devalues my new relationship in some ways.

 

My new guy was there for me bigtime in the last year or so... we went from casual friends to him mopping up my face while I sobbed over Matt. He's the reason I started to look forward to my life again. I don't want to hurt him now by talking about missing Matt, and I don't want my family overreacting and saying I'm still on the rebound or something. I love my family very much, but they can be very judgmental. There's been nobody to talk to my feelings about without the worry of someone making me or my guy feel bad in the long run, and I really do love him very much. He's the best thing in my life.

 

I am so glad that I found this site! This is the most therapeutic thing I've done in a long time.

[keefy1972]

Canada girl let me give you some sound advice. I was like your new guy. I was casual friends with a woman who was in a long term relationship. We bacame very close as she confided the problems of her relationship with me. She made the decision, on her own, to end the relationship because she was so unhappy. We then started dating not too long after. I loved this girl with everything I have. Still do. She, just like you, started missing the certainty and the routine that her LTR provided. She was overcome by this and dumped me to go back to him. I gave all I had to her emotionally and that wasn't enough to fill that void. Two and a half years later she tells me, just the other day, "I still don't know where I am with him". IMO she made a huge mistake in going back to him instead of burying the past as best she could and starting out fresh. We could have been very special, but her refusal to see her idealization of the past as opposed to remembering how unhappy she was with him helped ruin that. Not to mention the time that has been wasted by going back to him.

 

Best way to put it is like this...with him, you knew where you stood, what to expect, and where you were going. With someone new, there is nothing certain, but the thing is that's part of what makes the new so exciting. Appreciate your new guy and all that he gives you. Enjoy learning. The ex is, even though you miss the certainty, he is old news. You know him, and frankly, he isn't that great or you would have never wanted to leave.

 

Be well.