Friends with Benefits?

[mactar]

Hey guys,

Been browsing these boards for a while now, and thought this would be a good place to bounce some ideas off. Oh course, i'm posting because I have a problem and am looking for advice, so...here's my problem:

 

What do you guys (and gals) expect out of a friends with benefits situation? I started talking to this girl and were talking seriously for a month or so. We talked everyday, then one day her whole attitude changed. We didn't talk for a while. Then a couple weeks later she started IMing me again. I was a total head to her everytime. But she kept persisting and then had some concert tickets I couldn't turn down. So we go to the concert. Afterwards, she tells me she's made mistakes, that she had found someone else and that's why her attitude changed. She started talking sweet and stuff and asked me to spend more time with her. We went to the beach the next day with some of my friends, and she acted very attatched to me, holding hands, kisses, ect. I spent the next couple nights over at her place. During this time, she told me that she had been with two other guys after she stopped talking to me. And that she was getting out of a bad long term relationship and wanted to enjoy her freedom, she just turned 21 and didn't quite know what she was doing and that she got carried away. It really pisses me off that she slept with two different guys within two weeks of stopping me cold in my tracks. But, I really like this girl (she's smart, pretty, ambitious...) and was willing to look over that. So sunday night comes around and I ask her what she would be doing this week in terms of guys. Now she tells me she's not looking for other guys, but she doesnt' want to make any promises, and she doesn't want a relationship. I didn't want to give her an ultimatum (sp?) so i just left it at that. The next day she IMs me and tells she that she's just hanging out of the house in the afternoons for the rest of the week and to stop by if i wanted. I think, "sweet, maybe she wants to at least try and date." So, I go by there spend the night and things seems to go well. The next day, she seems to be giving me the cold shoulder, reminicent of the first time she blew me off. I haven't talked to her since.

 

So, here's my question. Am I expected too much from this girl? It seems she wants friends with benefits situation, but I don't think I'm into that, especially when I don't think I can trust her. It would be one thing if she was willing to not sleep with other guys in the meantime, but it doesn't seem that way. Her promiscuity bothers me. She gets very non affectionate at times too. I guess, what I'm asking is: should I wait out this situation and see if things get better? I'm on the brink of not really getting in touch with her again. I mean, all I'm really looking for is to TRY and date...I'm not looking for a long term anything, but if it turns out that way, i wouldn't mind. But I think I'd like to date her for a little while first, meaning she shouldn't be looking at other dudes, just like how I wouldn't be looking at other girls. If things don't work out, I wouldn't really have a problem...but in trying to get to know her better, I've run into this situation..twice. Am I missing something? or thinking about this friends with benefits thing the wrong way? any help would be appreciated!

[heloladies21]

Well if you could keep yourself emotionally detached and continue to chase other girls in the meantime and not expect ANYTHING with this girl other than to expect her one day flaking out on you again, then go ahead, but I have a feeling you feelings run deeper than that. In that case you're playing with fire because if you accept a FWB situation, she automatically thinks you don't seriously care about her and in return she'll never be serious about you. Best to go into NC under these circumstances.

[ShroomzGod]

listen to my man over here, he knows what he's talking about.

[Dating Coach]

This girl is NOT relationship material, and she's walking all over you too. But it's appears you are too wrapped around this girls fingers to listen to anything like that.

[heloladies21]

This girl is NOT relationship material, and she's walking all over you too. But it's appears you are too wrapped around this girls fingers to listen to anything like that.

 

You know Diggity, I used to think the same way that if things didn't work out with a chick ie. she stops returning calls, doesn't keep dates, dumps me or flat out cheats on me, that it's all her fault and she's messed in the head. But my idea on these types of things has changed really drastic lately.

 

It all has to do with how the guy acts (what kinds of boundries he sets is at least part of it, if not the most important aspect) which determine how a girl acts, and that even if a girl is the most ruthless chick with one man, if the next guy acts in the right way, she could be completely the opposite and be faithful and all into him.

 

I have an example from my life. There was this girl I picked up on myspace a while ago, msg'd back and forth, got her number, called her and no response. I branded her a complete flake. This was a year ago. A couple of months ago, my brother picked her up (with my blessing of course), used different techniques, and now she's 100% into him. The chick was the constant, the guy was the variable, just with different techniques.

 

It feels good for the guy to hear that it wasn't his fault and it was all her after a chick wrongs him because he won't blame himself, but I think it's a bad idea to ignore the real problem because it'll never get fixed. It's time for all of us to put our pride aside and really examine our game. That's the only way we're gonna start REALLY learning how to do this.

 

Because all these girls are good girls. And they're all relationship material. But it's up to us guys to work things in a way to bring out their best qualities and surpress the bad ones.

[moondog627]

Heloladies, I really like a lot of your advice. However, I have some comments about your last post.

 

It all has to do with how the guy acts (what kinds of boundries he sets is at least part of it, if not the most important aspect) which determine how a girl acts, and that even if a girl is the most ruthless chick with one man, if the next guy acts in the right way, she could be completely the opposite and be faithful and all into him.

 

I agree with this.

 

I have an example from my life. There was this girl I picked up on myspace a while ago, msg'd back and forth, got her number, called her and no response. I branded her a complete flake. This was a year ago. A couple of months ago, my brother picked her up (with my blessing of course), used different techniques, and now she's 100% into him. The chick was the constant, the guy was the variable, just with different techniques.

 

Ok, maybe it was your technique that was faulty. But you tried gettin with this girl a year ago. Isn't there a chance that SHE has changed since then?

 

It feels good for the guy to hear that it wasn't his fault and it was all her after a chick wrongs him because he won't blame himself, but I think it's a bad idea to ignore the real problem because it'll never get fixed. It's time for all of us to put our pride aside and really examine our game. That's the only way we're gonna start REALLY learning how to do this.

 

Agreed. Many times guys will diss a girl if she's not into him and find blame with her. Everyone should strive to improve their game.

 

Because all these girls are good girls. And they're all relationship material. But it's up to us guys to work things in a way to bring out their best qualities and surpress the bad ones.

 

But this is the thing that gets me. All these girls aren't good girls man. Just like all guys aren't good guys. And it's even more of a stretch to say that they're all relationship material. I agree that people should try to constantly work on their game. However, some people simply aren't compatible. And I don't feel like I should EVER be responsible for supressing someone's bad qualities. Kinda sounds like getting into a motherly role which I want no part of.

[Dating Coach]

You know Diggity, I used to think the same way that if things didn't work out with a chick ie. she stops returning calls, doesn't keep dates, dumps me or flat out cheats on me, that it's all her fault and she's messed in the head. But my idea on these types of things has changed really drastic lately.

 

No, it usually is the guys behavior which led to the girl doing these things. I never said that it wasn't that way.

 

It all has to do with how the guy acts (what kinds of boundries he sets is at least part of it, if not the most important aspect) which determine how a girl acts, and that even if a girl is the most ruthless chick with one man, if the next guy acts in the right way, she could be completely the opposite and be faithful and all into him.

 

I agree. Never meant to say otherwise.

 

It feels good for the guy to hear that it wasn't his fault and it was all her after a chick wrongs him because he won't blame himself, but I think it's a bad idea to ignore the real problem because it'll never get fixed. It's time for all of us to put our pride aside and really examine our game. That's the only way we're gonna start REALLY learning how to do this.

 

Agreed again, and you've never heard me say otherwise on here.

 

I said that this girl isn't relationship material because she's not. She's into being single and banging around right now. Sure if the RIGHT guy came along she might move away from this single life she loves so much, but the right guy is not the OP. That is clear.

[mactar]

This girl is NOT relationship material, and she's walking all over you too. But it's appears you are too wrapped around this girls fingers to listen to anything like that.

 

I don't think I'mn wrapped around her fingers at all. The first time when she started giving me the cold shoulder, I just walked away and took what happened for face value. She continued to try and talk to me while I wanted nothing to do with her. But, like i said, I couldn't turn down some sweet tickets. That's when we started talking again and she started acting all clingy. And now, it just seems like a cycle 'cause it feels like i'm right about back where I was.

 

But this is what i was wondering, does stuff like this ever pan out into something? While she's got her terrible qualities, for some reason i still kind of dig her. I'll definetly listen to advice. I just wanted to hear some feedback on what i did and if i was too pushy.

 

 

helio and diggities, so you guys think I should approach this differently?

[heloladies21]

In your situation, there is no right way for you to play this because it would require you to not give a **** about the girl. We could tell you all of the right words and make you do the right actions, but the way you would come off she would still end up dropping you and stomping on your heart anyway.

 

You weren't too pushy. If you were interested in a serious relationship with her, you weren't pushy enough. You didn't set the ultimatum that if she wasn't interested in a serious relationship, that she could take a hike. That would've told her that you're serious about her. This was basically a test to see how much you care, and by agreeing to a friends with benefits, you tell her that you don't really care about her.

 

For your specific situation I still stand by my advice. Cut her off and no more contact. Otherwise you will get hurt. Guaranteed.

[heloladies21]

No, it usually is the guys behavior which led to the girl doing these things. I never said that it wasn't that way.

 

I know i'm not criticizing you, just throwing a theory out that more people should know about.

[mactar]

surprise. she calls me up this afternoon and asks me to come over. She tells me she thought about what I said it really made her start thinking about how she didn't like her relations with people and she wanted to change.So, she wanted to try and do something new, but go real slow. So, I said that's all i really wanted in the first place. So, i guess it all worked out for the best. I think helioladies was right, no matter what decision or advice i would have gotten, i would have started second guessing it in the end anyway. I guess you just gotta go with the flow sometimes!

[CluelessGuy321]

How come she sleeps around so much?

 

Sounds like a good way to spread STDs....even with a condom