Breaking up vs. being broken up with

[rhianie]

A month and a half ago I broke up with my bf after 15 months. It was my decision and I don't regret it. But I still miss him... Having someone to hug, the physical part in general... And I miss the small every day stuff... Things I didn't really think of while we were still together. And after spending that much time with him, I know him quite well, know what he likes and how he thinks and stuff like that... I can see/hear something and think of what he would have thought about it...

 

What I was wondering is what the differences are in healing after breaking up with someone and being broken up with?

This is my first relationship so I don't have anything to compare with.

What are your experiences of breaking up vs. being broken up with? How do you handle the different situations?

[PRSOV]

What you are experiencing is completely normal...

 

From past experiences being broken up with Vs being broken up is that being dumped hurts a lot more as you don't really have any control over the situation and is something you have to deal with.

 

In the relationships where I have done the breaking up, I usually found it was because my feelings weren't as strong as I wanted them to be to sustain a possible relationship with that person.

 

Healing took me a lot longer when I wasn't really aware of what was going on, I constantly felt alone... yet all the time I had no bitter feelings towards the other. I just wanted the best for both of us in the end.

 

I think it really depends on how strongly you feel for that person at a given particular time in the relationship, every r.ship is different anyway so it can be quite immesurable.

[RayKay]

Well, both are generally not "easy", and require healing time. I have been the "dumper" on a couple occasions, and it is very difficult knowing you are going to hurt someone you still do care about.

 

And, there will be times you think of them, and miss things, so ultimately it comes down to having your reasons for doing it and remembering that you weren't happy with them, or there were too many issues, or whatever your reasons were.

 

The differences, well, mainly in being the dumpee, it is often (though not always) unexpected, and you are dealing with feelings of loss, rejection, confusion, loneliness, and hope all at the same time. It takes time to come to a "conclusion" for yourself. As the dumper, you are often dealing with loss, guilt, fear, and often those feelings of loneliness. As with being a dumpee, it takes time to heal from and move forward after someone has been a big part of your life.

[Russo]

Some dumpers also have some painful ways to heal (painful to the dumpee)

my experience is that first they stick around to see what I'm gonna do. They're worried I might do something stupid. After I confirm I'm not going to do anything in the lines of self-mutilation or suicide, *POOF* they're gone.

 

Now she's out and about, partying like crazy.

 

I know her very well. She can detach love from sex. So there's a huge chance she'll pick up someone very quick for a fix (if she hasn't already). If any guilt arises within her about it she's quick to squash by telling herself: "I don't mind if this is gonna kill him. I don't owe him anything. I'm free ain't I?"

 

and technically, she's right. But it will destroy another person none-the-less.

 

and THAT'S what sucks about the whole situation. It feels like someone got off with murder. Just to kill you a little bit more.

 

it sucks.

[kadvati79]

My first relationship, and one of only two where I felt I actually loved the person, I broke up with him and broke his heart. A the time it was due to guilt because I had been cheating on him. Everytime I looked at him I saw my behaviour and it made me hate myself. 1 month after we broke up, the guilt wasn't gone, and I confessed. Funny enough, we got back together. Even more weirdly, I have no idea why our relationship ended after that!

 

I think for most dumpers it comes down to a feeling thing. I think alot of the time, they want to head their life in another direction and they start looking for reasons to break up... one foot out the door so to speak. Its not hard too "loose your feelings" from there. You will end up still caring about the person, but not be in love with them.

 

For myself, years after breaking up with a guy I loved - I had to deal with regret. I think thats the dumpers fate, that when you leave a truly good person who loved you and was always there for you ... you will eventually end up regretting it (you might not regret breaking up with them, but you will regret it having to happen).