feeling very depressed.

[reallydown]

once again, i feel like the world is ending. i am not doing well and everything is overwhelming me. i feel short of breath and really depressed.

 

i am awaiting a decision on whether i will get kicked out of university.

i got yelled at my supervisor today for coming in late alot. (which i do).

 

i am crashing and burning. of course i know that part of it is my own decisions. but there is something wrong with me, when i know i am doing something i am not supposed to be doing, i just give up. and i know i will face consequences and get yelled at but i feel so depressed and down that i only partially care.

 

for example, during the first few months of my job, i felt i was doing really well. and after i got a bad review. i was so upset that i wasn't so gung-ho about the job anymore because i felt the review didn't reflect how well i was doing.

 

and after getting yelled at today, i dont know what to do to repair things. i feel mabe my work ethic is not up to par.

 

i am known for dropping the ball on things afterawhile......i just get so down and beat myself up. want to quit everything. but since i can't....i do it half heartedly.

 

i need some tips for maintaining consistency, for turning this around......for doing better etc. for repairing relationship with supervisor in case i ever need a recommendation from her.....etc.

 

please advise. or just let me know u know how it feels. i know i've been heading downward for long time....can't seem to stop the slide. but i must or im going to hit a wall.

[Lily04]

Hey...

 

I've felt the same way, EXACTLY. It's 5:00 pm now & I'm leaving from work but I'll write later, don't worry.

 

Just hang in there. Things will get better, I have faith that they will, even if you don't now.

 

Talk with you later,

 

Lily

[reallydown]

i have been meeting with a therapist and we have talked about this. but my therapist is going on vacation so i'm scared what's going to happen when she's gone.

 

i am afraid to crash again.

 

oh yeah, i just called up my supervisor to apologize and i feel really bad (but i need to stop destroying myself and sabotaging myself.) and she doesn't know about this depression part.

 

my therapist says it's on purpose like after i do well for awhile i have this inner wish to hurt myself. there will be things that i know i need to stop but i CANT seem to get a grip on myself and keep repeating them until i get into serious trouble.

 

i know i am seriously distressed but jesus what is preventing me from helping myself and stopping?

 

i know im pretty selfdestructive and i ruin a lot of things and i can't stop. what is wrong with me??

 

i don't cope with drugs, alcohol, or anything so this is how it seems to come out. for example, if a problem was a hot stove......and i got burned once? instead of touching it once and letting it go.....i would probably go back and poke and prod at it and keep touching it until i got burned very seriously and very badly until i let go (in an effort to heal and to calm my anxiety).

 

i feel like such a nut. except i know im sane. i can't decide which is worse.....feeling crazy and knowing ur not or being crazy and totally not knowing.

[Alabama]

It seems that you want to help yourself, but just can't help but try to make things worse. This is an unhealthy habit and one that will take time to fix. Let's see...do you have any time to truly think things out? It sounds like because of the fact you're overwhelmed with all of this, then it is a good idea to take a break, if you can. If you get kicked out of unversity (Which I'm sure you won't), you can always take community college as a back-up idea. As far as going to work on time, do you use alarm clocks to wake yourself for work or do you have some way to get there quickly? It's important not to overthink things too, as if you do, you can overanalzye the situation. Take what you need to do turn this around, one step at a time. You can do it.

[reallydown]

but do i still have chance, and opportunity to repair things?

[Lily04]

Of course! Everyone gets a second chance, or even third or fourth... you're still young & learning. Everyone has a rough time... you'll get through it...

 

I know the feeling of destroying yourself although I don't think I'm that bad. I just feel a lot of regret, and it really hurts me sometimes...hard to get over things.

 

But I don't like the fact that you're dismissing things as being due to psychological disorders... you CAN help yourself. You just have to empower yourself to do it. You're not crazy, you're fine. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You can change if you want. You don't NEED a therapist, she helps, but you can get by if you don't see her for 1-2 weeks.

 

I think you may be a perfectionist as you see things in an 'all for nothing' type of perspective. If you don't get perfect or do everything completely well, that's OK. Don't give up. I'm sure you can get back on track. I can totally emphathize though because I felt the same a lot last year, and it is tough... the trick is getting in a routine. What helped me the most is living back at home and having someone (my mom) bug me until I get up every morning. Maybe have a friend knock on your apartment door or wherever you live, call you until you wake up for a few days... and get to sleep early! I usually need at least 6 hrs. of sleep to function. That's all there is to it...

 

You can do it. Tell your supervisor that you're sorry, you realize that you haven't been acting completely professional due to your lateness, but you are completely comitted to changing it around & proving it to her. Then DO IT. The only way you can gain her trust back in you & change your image is through DOING. Action is worth more than words I think in this case... but do tell her that you want to change, and will do it. That will show dedication and she will respect you for that.

 

Good luck.

 

Lily

[reallydown]

thanks. yes i am a perfectionist.

 

if i could i would try to wipe out my whole life and try to start again. i've just made so many mistakes, done lots of ridiculous things.

 

and now im messing up at work and school. grrrrrr........

[Lily04]

Yeah, I've done the same, and so has everyone. At least you have your health & mind... just keep learning and you'll improve. Don't beat yourself up about stuff that's already happened & that you can't change, it won't help anyone.

 

Take care,

 

Lily

[CHINOOKA]

yes you can repair this. Yes you can end up with a good recommendation from your boss... it depends on how you handle it. Now that this has happened, you have a chance to make whatever changes that have been requested of you. Do this, and your reward is that you will be known as a person who responds well to correction. If you want to change your pattern, the easiest place to start is right where you are.