Email Long distance relationships

[Goldfish6888]

Hi

 

I met a guy online over a year and a half ago. We live 3000 miles away from each other. We corresponded by email for about six months and found we had a great connection. When we met in person, we got on like a house on fire! It was so easy, and great fun - hanging out. Anyway we dated for about 3 months in the same country. He then returned home and I went to visit in February. He has been going on about moving here since then and he talked about taking the spare room in my apartment. I suggested going over to him, if he had second thoughts about moving overseas. Anyway, the thing is I've not heard from him in over 2 weeks. No Email, no phone call, no nothing. Would you say from this - that it is over? In the same breath, I discover he is nline and looking for someone special. Is is safe to say, he didn't consider me to be that someone special? I feel very let down and angry as I was waiting on him to come over and for us to actually live in the same country and give it a go. I was very loyal to him, whilst we were together and found the distance very hard. I truly thought we had something special. Anyway what do you think?

[demons-princess]

i truley feel for you but ive never had a long distance relationship well once his name was ron a.k.a chaosangel we got really close but i havn`t been able to sign onto what it was where we knew each other for like a month i think he forgot me i dont think long distance relationships work out couse one computer mess up and boom its over*crys*i miss chaosangel!!!

[annie24]

oh my!

 

welcome to eNotalone.

 

how many times did you try to contact him? phone call, e-mail?

 

if he still hasn't written, I would assume it is over and move on.

 

good luck

[Goldfish6888]

I haven't tried to contact him at all. I just decided to see if I stopped contacting him, would he make an effort and by his lack of action, it has answered my question. He was constantly saying, I'll be over in Dublin by May, then it was July, then it was October. I was the last one to email him on June 2nd. I won't contact him, because if a guy is interested, he will make the contact. Anyhow, he has already posted an online profile that he's on the market for a special girl to live abroad with him. In other words, he had moved on a month ago. I came accross this profile, just by chance, by doing a search on the main dating sites for him. I guess I was looking for answers to questions, I just didn't want to ask. I hate confrontation and whatever about it face to face, phone or email confrontation is the worst kind. Anyway, I can't believe this person, who I knew so well and talked to at least once a week has just disappeared out of my life so easily. Maybe I am better off. Sometimes I think you just never know someone.

[annie24]

wow - you came accross his profile on a dating site? ok, that sounds like your answer right there!

 

I am sorry hun. you deserve better. I hope you get on the track to healing right away!

[Goldfish6888]

Well

 

No news from my inbox. But I went online onto the dating site, he goes onto. I decided to post a profile myself there.....so I put the nicest photo I have up ......anyway.....I went online this morning....and he has taken his photo down...NOW you can only get it with a backstage pass! This guy wants nothing more to do with me, but why is he soooo worried about his photo being up there?....sure who cares now?....Or maybe he is trying to hide his photo from other girls too?

 

Sad that guys behave this way. They must think we are stupid or something. I'm now grieving for myself....for the fact I put a lot of energy into this. I'm getting angry...and girls I have a date this saturday night with a tall six foot eight man! I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I've been frantically on link removed, lavalife, link removed just to get over him. Just to put my energy into something. Its sooooo tough when something doesn't work out, and all the time and energy you put into building the relationship...and then you've got to start from scratch again. Hi, how are you? What kind of music do you like? I feel much better today...and this site does help you get it off your chest!

[annie24]

what is a 'backstage pass?'

 

hang in there! you deserve someone who will be open and honest with you about their feelings.

[Goldfish6888]

Dunno if you have ever been on link removed, but they have an option, where you can hide your photo with your profile and people have to request a backstage pass from you to see your photo. You still get to surf and stuff, but other people can't see you without your "say,so".

 

Actually I wrote him an email and I feel way way better from it....Anyway here it is:

 

Dear X

I was going to leave this and not contact you again, but I have a bit more class and I wanted to be respectful of the year and a half we spent getting to know each other. I also have a reputation of being honest with people I care about. Recently, I found a profile of yours online, which was surprising. Well, actually it wasn't finding the profile that peed me off - as dating other people happens - I expected that - because we live so far away that one of us would get lonely - or that one of us would want to keep our options open - or have a fall back plan. But being honest about that, rather than talking about coming to Dubs is what I deserved. I too had started to date again as the touchline of you coming here for a visit had kept moving and I couldn't wait forever on you to make up your mind. It's ironic really - Ben is from California and has been working here since last April.

 

It was the sentiment in the profile that hurt me - that you were looking for someone special and wanted to travel with them. I guess I thought I was that someone special, as you were that for me and all the things you mentioned, the travelling etc.... I would've done with you. I thought I meant something to you. I thought we could just be ourselves when "we hung out" and it was easy. I felt sad recently thinking about Leitrim and touring around Wicklow and going to Buffs with you...and what a great time we had. Fun with ya didn't require much, just a kitchen and some ingredients. Was round with Mr X the other night and I could almost see you sitting at the bar and I felt sad, as I know you did love it there and I really thought I would see you there again at the session with me. I wasn't looking for a "serious", "serious" thing....that happens in time...a friend....someone to hang out with.....who makes you happy..someone to laugh with.. Whether you had come to Ireland or I had gone to Canada - it had been important to me to to see further if you were that person. I felt you were worth it - that life is too short and it's so hard to meet someone who you truly get on with. I felt blessed to have met ya and I really did think you were my friend.

 

I'm not making excuses for you but I guess "talking" about moving or "doing it", makes things a bit more real - puts things on a more serious footing and then you really find out how you feel. You found out you weren't ready for it....sounded good on paper but not in reality - tis' a true test of how you really feel about someone. Anyway, I know I deserve so much more than words so that's why it was time for me to move on

I wish you and your family all the best

[annie24]

i think that was good.

 

feel better! (((HUGS))))

[stolenshadow]

Have you sent the mail?, Do you really wish him the best?.

 

I think it's a bit long, a tiny bit contradicting, you also say good things about him and some "bad" ones too.

If you haven't sent the mail (but plan to) I suggest you to wait a bit, you need time so everything settles.

 

What this guy did was really immature, I understand you want to admit the good qualities he has but there's no reason to talk about that now, what he did wasn't right.

 

You deserved an explanation, to be treated with respect, you don't owe him anything, you did nothing wrong.

[Goldfish6888]

Yup I did send the mail.

 

I never received a response to it.

I know it does contradict itself and in hindsight, it could've been written better. My friend said exactly that...he didn't deserve an explanation. But in fairness I really really did think he was a genuine guy and I wanted him to know how much he had fallen in my estimation. I do genuinely wish him and his family the best, as I'd never wish anything bad on anyone, even if they have hurt me. Of course, I still have feelings for him. You can't just turn around one day and go....okay I no longer feel for this person. Each day my emotions have gone from crying, to anger....to sadness to that deep seated feeling in the pit of your stomach of nervousness. I keep waking up in the middle of the night at 3am and not being able to sleep. I guess this will go in time.

 

The funny thing is......we have been having little conversations....without having to speak......I went on to lavalife, that dating website and he had taken his photo down, so that you require a backstage pass or him to let you see what he looks like. When I sent the Email, I checked his profile again the next day and he had put his photo back up. I guess he had thought, the game is up, I might as well put my photo back on. Now a day later, his photo is taken down again - guess he figures the next girl he tries to hoodwink, might find him out again. Its all very sad that someone behaves like this. I am still in disbelief. Ah well

[Goldfish6888]

Well this has helped. Today I feel better. But its so weird - like I've stepped into a black hole or something. I guess somehow I thought he would send me an email and say he was sorry, that he really did love me and wanted to come hang with me in Ireland. I think that people say a lot of things, but its their actions that speak louder than words. Each day that goes by, I wonder about whether he is now dating someone else. Is she like me? I wonder did he tell his parents, as I met them when I was over visiting and his Mom would send me Easter and Christmas cards. I wonder, did that email seep into his consiousness and did he think I did do wrong here? Or how did he justify it to himself. I have to stop wondering. But its like a broken tape recorder going round and round in my head.

[stolenshadow]

It is confusing when the other person is not open about their reasons to leave, and it is normal you wonder, it's also normal you have hope this is some sort of misunderstanding and he will give you an explanation but you have to make a conclusion and stick to it so your mind is not left going over and over the same questions.

 

Give it time so your thoughts on what happened are solid, otherwise it will be harder to move forward.

[annie24]

I guess I'm not too surprised he didn't write back. People don't usually come out and say, "Yes, I am a collosal butthead!"

 

You should read the book, "he's just not that into you." It oddly enough, may make you feel better.

[Goldfish6888]

He wrote to me today and has lied and said that his profile has been up there since last year.......I know for a fact it has been changed a month ago...he said he actually forgot it existed....what a liar.....Needless to say, I've adopted the NC approach and wont be responding.....I feel stronger now. Glad I learnt more about NC from here!

[stolenshadow]

It's great you are being so strong about this, what that guy did was pathetic and it's worse he isn't even admitting it.

I can't see how he modified his profile recently and yet wants you to believe he had forgotten about it. The excuse he gave is really dumb, and it's many days late.

 

It might be hard for you to maintain NC if he keeps insisting and trying to pull you back, but please, ignore him, you deserve the same good things you give, nothing less.

[annie24]

He wrote to me today and has lied and said that his profile has been up there since last year.......I know for a fact it has been changed a month ago...he said he actually forgot it existed....what a liar.....Needless to say, I've adopted the NC approach and wont be responding.....I feel stronger now. Glad I learnt more about NC from here!

 

wow. he is dumb.

 

forget him. you don't need dumb babies.

[Goldfish6888]

Annie24 you are brilliant!!! I bet you have men falling at your feet!!!

[Goldfish6888]

I know...I already had started another thread this morning...as I was going to respond by email to his denial...but then I must admit, members on the forum dissuaded me from sending it! TBTG!!!

Sometimes, I think I'm way, way toooo soft! What I wouldn't do without this site! Thanks guys again. Wish I could send you some chocolates!!

[annie24]

Annie24 you are brilliant!!! I bet you have men falling at your feet!!!

 

Ha! No, I have plenty of men problems myself....