Insecure B/F using controlling behaviours

[michelle_w]

My B/F has been badly hurt in the past - by his mother sleeping around on his dad, and then by G/F's cheating on him in past relationships.

As a result he says he has no trust. He uses controlling behaviours (asks me to wear non-revealing clothing, doesn't like me going to bars or pubs without him, won't let me have contact with male friends, doesn't like me meeting men for work, questions me on where I've been and who I talk to) to make him feel more secure about the relationship.

I love this man, and want to stay with him - but can I have a relationship without trust? He has been to a lot of counselling for this and anger management, and feels he has to accept who he is and that he can't change.

In order for the relationship to work he wants me to be accommodating to his needs, and although I am a very considerate person, I feel that he needs to take some responsibility for his insecurities.

I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose my own identity and end up resenting him.

Can you offer any advice? Thanks.

[blonde]

hi there,

 

as you said your b/f already is on councelling. if his attidute towards himself (o changing) is permanent, he might change the therapist or the method of therapy. how about you both go together?

 

good luck

[charmed]

Hi Michelle,

 

I think that it is terrible that your boyfriend thinks that you should change to suit him. You should change for no-one. You shouldn't meet someone, and then change to suit them because you don't as it is.

 

He has problems - and he needs to change for himself - not for you, but for himself.

 

Sorry - but thats as simple as it is. If he is not making progress - you have to decidce whether you are willing to allow him to have such control on your life.

 

Charmed.

[winkie]

I disagree with him. He cant change but yet he wants you to change that is a problem. I think it is also selfish of him to ask you of those things. You are who you are and you were like that when he met you. Granted he was mistrusting also but none of that is from you. He needs to understand that everyone is different and maybe with this controlling behavior he may have pushed those other g/f's away to cheat. He needs to understand that is a problem that he has and it can be changed. He just needs to try. Maybe you can go to counseling with him. U said he goes to anger mgt, is he forceful with his requests on your dressing and other items mentioned? He is to much you will not be able to breath and evenutally you will get sick and tired of his requests you need to fix this now before it is to late and you get fed up.

[foolish]

I totally agree with Winkie here. Everyone is different and he's just going to have to accept that. If he really loved you he would trust you. You can't have a relationship without trust honey. It's impossible. So he had people cheat on him. Oh well it's not you. Sounds like the guy shouldn't be in a relationship at all until he overcomes his issues with women. Maybe you should tell him you need a break. That might be the best thing right now so he can find himself.