Advice needed..

[johnnynz]

My ex partner and I broke up about a month ago.. we were together for 3 1/2 years, she was my first love. She broke it off (neither of us were really happy at all living together, arguments daily), I could see it coming months off but you can never really prepare for things like this. While we were together, in the months leading up to moving out, I admit I was much too dependant on her, emotionally. I kept telling her I loved her (which I did) but which I'd get no reply to. I was obviously too insecure and this no doubt had some part in the demise of the relationship.

 

Initially as we had to sort out stuff relating to the place we had together (lived there for 6 or so months) we kept in contact. I was mostly a writeoff the whole time - couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't accept the fact it was over. I was fine for a day or so after we met up (3 or so times during the first 2 weeks) then went back to being depressed and feeling hopeless. A week or so ago after I called her, she told me she'd have my number blocked if I called again. Didn't sleep much at all that night. I ended up not contacting her again for a week or so. She then called me and I went over and we shared a coffee, talked for a bit. It went really well, or so I thought. No bickering, she was really nice, I told her I'd missed her and she told me she'd missed me too. Went out for lunch then I dropped her off at home. I left feeling really good that she was happy and that she apparently wanted to be friends, which I was really pining for. She said to still not contact her and that we'd meet up again in a couple of weeks. Am I just being young and dumb?

 

All good. I was content with that. I came to the realisation that I'm still young (24) and that I really need to experience other people in order to gain some perspective of what I want in a partner. She felt the same and we agreed that if we meet again in a couple of years when we're older it might work out better. I agreed.

 

There's a party on Saturday - I find out from a friend she doesn't want to come if I'm there. I'm a bit confused, as I thought we were friends. I sent her an email with some stuff yesterday which she's read but hasn't replied to. I'm worried I've pissed her off again and that she'll not want to meet up in the future.

 

What should I do? She's the only person I've ever been able to confide everything in, known her for 3 1/2 years and she's always been there for me, as I've been there for her. I've accepted the breakup, so that's not the issue. What I really want right now is her friendship. Is a month too soon to expect friendship? Should I hold off contacting her again and wait for her to contact me? She's the most caring and loving person I've met, and I don't want to lose her friendship. I still care about her so much - she knows this but doesn't seem to care. Ideally I'd like to be the friend I wasn't while we were together - making up for the times when I was mean or grumpy towards her. Am I being a complete retard? The word dignity comes to mind but I feel so much guilt for what I did to make the relationship fail it doesn't seem to apply to me.

 

Confused man needs help!

(unsure if this is in the right forum - perhaps it'd be better in the Breakups forum!)

[aymee_lee]

I sympathise that you're really trying to do the right thing by your ex. You want to be the friend to her that maybe you feel you should have been as a partner. I myself broke off a relationship with my first love, very similar to what you are going through. We too had been together about 3 1/2 years, and so much of what you say applied to us. We too 'came to the realisation that we were still young' (21 at the time) 'and really needed to experience other people in order to gain some perspective of what we wanted in a partner'. Of course there is always more to it, but in essense, I feel that this was our main problem.

 

While we had discussed the possibility of us breaking up, when it came to the crunch, and I broke it off, my partner was devistated. And I felt like the worst person in the world. Naive as it sounds, I believed that he would feel the same as I did; want to go out and do his own thing for a while and see what happened. But when we did make that break, he was heartbroken. He wanted to stay together and work things out that way, and I wanted to go and be my own person.

 

Despite this, I wanted to remain friends with him, but he was the one that rejected this as he felt that if we did this too soon, it would only serve to ease my guilt (right) and make him feel confused about my motives (also right). In th end, we barely spoke for about six months after we broke up. Even as the person to end the relationship, I found this heartbreaking. As you say, this is the person who you have shared everything with for the past 3 1/2 years and you don't want to miss out on that friendship, even if you are no longer a couple. But, the way I felt (and maybe your ex feels the same?) is that it was too little too late. I needed him to be there for me when we were a couple and it was too late for him to start playing that card now. So, as I said, we didn't really speak for 6 months, and then one day, out of the blue, he asked me for coffee. We regularly kept these coffee dates, meeting every 1-2 months to catch up. While this was good, as I had missed our friendship, it was also hard to realise that we both had our own lives now, and we weren't playing a big role in each other's lives anymore. If you want to stay friends with your ex, you need to be able to accept that if you do this, you will be watching her move on. You will be standing by as she dates other people, and creates a life without you. I found this the hardest part, even though I was dating other people and had my own social life myself, I yearned to be a bigger part of his life, as I once had been, but in my situation, I couldn't have it both ways.

 

You're not being retarded! But don't kid yourself into thinking that if you become 'friends' that a lot of the pain will simply go away becasue although you're broken up, she'll still be there as you're friend, and this will ease that pain. It doesn't work this way, well, it didn't work for me anyway. I'm not saying that this can't work for you though, I'm not a fortune teller after all.

 

As I said, my ex and I did become friends, but only after we had taken time apart to grow and develop our own lives. During the 6 months were weren't speaking, I desperately wanted to catch up, but looking back, the distance was the best thing we ever did.

 

And incidentally (and I don't say this to lead you on in any way), but about 18 months after we broke up, my partner and I got back together. We have been dating again for a few months now, and while you can't predict the furture, I see this relationship as my furture. Because, it turns out that leaving to find what I wanted in a partner meant comin back to the partner I already had in the past. But this is rare, and don't assume that if you stick around and be her friend that this will happen. She might move on, and so might you.

 

My final advice? Take some time to do your own thing. As great as it was being with her, I'm sure there are things you neglected to do during your time together, and now is the perfect time to do them. Take up a new sport, catch up with those friends you always wanted to catch up with but never did, go on holiday, whatever. Just becasue it might be too soon for her to be friends (and maybe she never will want to be) it doesn't mean that it won't happen with time. She is crying out for space, and the only way you can even begin to be her friend is respect that.

 

I hope that was helpful

[johnnynz]

While we had discussed the possibility of us breaking up, when it came to the crunch, and I broke it off, my partner was devistated. And I felt like the worst person in the world. Naive as it sounds, I believed that he would feel the same as I did; want to go out and do his own thing for a while and see what happened. But when we did make that break, he was heartbroken. He wanted to stay together and work things out that way, and I wanted to go and be my own person.

 

In talking to her she says she has no regrets, and doesn't feel any remorse that I'm heartbroken. She says she was so unhappy living together, and I appeared not to care. I've told her I cared so much but we were both so stressed and the living situation had so much tension involved that I didn't know what to do, and that I was so sorry for all the hurt I'd caused.

 

Despite this, I wanted to remain friends with him, but he was the one that rejected this as he felt that if we did this too soon, it would only serve to ease my guilt (right) and make him feel confused about my motives (also right).

 

Do you really think that's why she invited me over a few days ago? To ease her guilt? From what I see she isn't feeling any guilt - maybe she is.

 

In th end, we barely spoke for about six months after we broke up. Even as the person to end the relationship, I found this heartbreaking. As you say, this is the person who you have shared everything with for the past 3 1/2 years and you don't want to miss out on that friendship, even if you are no longer a couple. But, the way I felt (and maybe your ex feels the same?) is that it was too little too late. I needed him to be there for me when we were a couple and it was too late for him to start playing that card now.

 

I think she feels the same way - I'd had 3 1/2 years to be there for her and I wasn't (at times) and that I'd had enough chances. By the by, we also broke up (for 2 weeks) about a year ago. Got back together though.

 

So, as I said, we didn't really speak for 6 months, and then one day, out of the blue, he asked me for coffee. We regularly kept these coffee dates, meeting every 1-2 months to catch up. While this was good, as I had missed our friendship, it was also hard to realise that we both had our own lives now, and we weren't playing a big role in each other's lives anymore. If you want to stay friends with your ex, you need to be able to accept that if you do this, you will be watching her move on. You will be standing by as she dates other people, and creates a life without you. I found this the hardest part, even though I was dating other people and had my own social life myself, I yearned to be a bigger part of his life, as I once had been, but in my situation, I couldn't have it both ways.

 

So... bleak outlook then?

 

As I said, my ex and I did become friends, but only after we had taken time apart to grow and develop our own lives. During the 6 months were weren't speaking, I desperately wanted to catch up, but looking back, the distance was the best thing we ever did.

 

I still feel (a month on) that my life is lacking a vital component - her. I don't have much motivation to do anything at all really (in stark contrast to her - she says she's so much happier now).

 

My final advice? Take some time to do your own thing. As great as it was being with her, I'm sure there are things you neglected to do during your time together, and now is the perfect time to do them. Take up a new sport, catch up with those friends you always wanted to catch up with but never did, go on holiday, whatever. Just becasue it might be too soon for her to be friends (and maybe she never will want to be) it doesn't mean that it won't happen with time. She is crying out for space, and the only way you can even begin to be her friend is respect that.

 

Hopefully giving her space and not contacting her (she's asked for this) will work as it did before and that we'll meet up for coffee soon. I'm still so confused. I guess a big part of what I'm feeling is that I'll never meet someone again that will love me and care about me as much as she did. Am I being silly?

 

 

Thank you for your advice, it's really helped

[aymee_lee]

Hi

 

Glad that helped, even if it wasn't all what you wanted to hear.

 

It's probably strange in a way that I'm giving you advice, when I was actually the one doing the breaking up, and you were the one who was broken up with, but I guess I feel as though I can help give you some advice from her perspective.

 

As far as her saying 'I'm not feeling guilty' in many ways I felt that too. I would jump from thinking 'stuff you, I'm not going to feel guilty about this, it was the right decision etc' to crying bucketloads of tears because of what I had done. I'm not calling her a liar, but I would say that she is probably saying this becasue this is what she wants to believe. I wanted to believe that if I got on with life, he would too, and for a while I fooled myself into believeing it was true. Then, one day about 3 months after we had broken up (still not talking) I saw him at a Uni. event and he wouldn't speak to me. Flat out, just ignored me talking to him (later he said that he 'couldn't speak to me', I guess he was afraid of what might happen if he did?) and I walked away from him and cried. I was bent down, sheilded by my friends, crying, in a (thankfully dark) room of about 500 people. My point is, I kept telling myself that I was fine, that he deserved it after the way he used to treat me, and that it was the right thing, he was moving on, so was I...anything that would make me feel better, and as soon as I couldn't fool myself any more, that's when I would get upset.

 

And as for being sorry, I have no doubt you are sorry. One of the most frustrating things, for me, however, was the fact that after many argumnets with my bf about how our relationship was failing (not just his fault, believe me) and what I needed from him, he gave nothing. Until I broke up with him, and only then did he realise what an * * * he'd been. But by then it was too late.

 

I don't think she invited you to ease her guilt. Or maybe she did, but I would be more inclined to suggest that she invited you over for the same reasons you would want to see her. Because she misses you and wants to make sure you're ok. But that isn't reason enough for her to get back with you. This doesn't mean that the outlook is bleak, it just is what it is right now, as frustrating as that seems.

 

I guess for me, it is different, because obviously my feelings for my ex remained, which is why we are back together now. But don't think it's all smooth sailing, he has had a lot of trouble forgetting the fact that I broke his heart. But my point is, I am probably coming at it from a different perspective than maybe she is, depending on if she ever does see you guys getting back together in the future (but it's definitely complicated, there were many occasions where I was sure my ex and I would NEVER get back together, so there you go).

 

One other thing to remember is that as she is the one who broke it off, even if you could see it coming, she has had so much more time to digest this than you have. When I broke it off with my ex, I had been thinking about it for quite some time. I don't say this to make you feel bad, I'm just pointing out that while you are still reeling from this shock, she has probably been getting her head around it for months. That's a lot of stress for her to be carrying around, which probably explains why she feels so much happier now, what a weight has gone from her shoulders.

 

My main point is, you need to give her space, and use it yourself. I dated a guy after my ex and I broke up, and when (I) ended things with him, all I wanted was to do my own thing for a while. He couldn't accept this, kept hassling me etc, and now we never talk, because it just got ugly.

 

LISTEN to your ex. You should know her better than anyone. Give her the space she needs, but if you can do your own thing too then it will help ease your resentment that you will no doubt be feeling. You most likely feel that she is the reason for your pain, and as it is her choice to keep the distance, you will naturally be blaming her for the continuation of that pain. But she needs to do what is right for her, so try and respect that. If you are going to be friends, you will be, but putting a time limit on her won't help. Hard as it is, just try and live your own life, try and find things to look forward to, to keep you motivated, even if it's just having dinner with a friend, or going to the movies. Keep occupied and time will pass a lot easier.

 

I hope this works for you

[johnnynz]

My main point is, you need to give her space, and use it yourself. I dated a guy after my ex and I broke up, and when (I) ended things with him, all I wanted was to do my own thing for a while. He couldn't accept this, kept hassling me etc, and now we never talk, because it just got ugly.

 

Exactly what I want to avoid - have learn this lesson recently!!

 

So I saw her tonight (she contacted me - another w t f). We talked for a bit and it appears she is keen to be friends. We talked as friends, and it was good. Bought us dinner then took her home (after spending a bit of time at my place, I'm sure you can guess what happened!).

 

She says she still doesn't want any contact, and that we'd see each other again in two weeks. I don't like the fact she thinks she can contact me anytime she wants, but that she'll ignore any correspondence (emails/calls) from me. I should've objected to this when she said it but didn't for some stupid reason think of it!!!!!

 

I asked her if she really meant that she missed me, and she said yes. So I guess she was feeling a little guilty, even though she didn't admit it. Don't know where to go from here - I'm not going to hassle her but I'm worried that if I do contact her she'll just ignore it, which just makes my head spin into worry. What do you reckon I should do? The obvious answer to me is to just let her go to do what she wants - it's her life and it'd be selfish of me to want anything otherwise. As hard as it may be (it's getting easier, but still hard). Am I right?

 

Each time I see her I get more pieces of the puzzle. There still seems to be some missing though.

So I'm a bit less confused.

[aymee_lee]

Ooh, tricky.

 

In some ways my initial reaction is the same as yours- w t f? After giving it some thought though, I would say that the reason you are still spending time together (and doing stuff ) is that, she does, as she says, miss you. I have had this thought myself after breaking up with someone. You miss the person so much and you think 'If i can just see them for a bit then it won't hurt any more'. However, this probably just makes it harder to make the break in the long run. Maybe she is thinking that she can stop hurting by seeing you, but she still wants her space. Which makes perfect sense, but it makes it really hard on you. Maybe you need to tell her this next time you see her?

 

I guess the obvious answer is to let her go and do what she wants. But it's not selfish for you to expect a bit more from her than just having everything on her terms. I'm sure she's not a horrible person who is doing this to you deliberately, but if you look at it from a different angle, she's got it pretty sweet; she's able to do her own thing, without the guilt of leaving her boyfriend behind, and when she gets sad and misses you, she just calls you up and there you are. Then, she feels better and off she goes again. But what if, as time goes on, she hurts less and less, but you're still keen? Does this mean that she just stops making these times to see you? Where does that leave you?

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and I'm sure she is hurting. But at the moment, she has all the power. She gets to make all the terms and that makes it hard for you, because you still love her and will take whatever contact she is willing to offer you. If you think that she might come back, then maybe you can look at this as you keeping contact and keeping the posibility of a reconciliation alive, but if you don't think that there is much chance of this happening, then maybe you need to look at the less attractive possibility that she's doing this simply to ease her pain. And while that may work for both of you, just make sure you know that this is what's happening, and try not to get your hopes up.

 

As I said, I don't want to sound harsh, but I think it's good to look at all the possibilites. I'm glad it's all becoming clearer to you.

[johnnynz]

I guess the obvious answer is to let her go and do what she wants. But it's not selfish for you to expect a bit more from her than just having everything on her terms. I'm sure she's not a horrible person who is doing this to you deliberately, but if you look at it from a different angle, she's got it pretty sweet; she's able to do her own thing, without the guilt of leaving her boyfriend behind, and when she gets sad and misses you, she just calls you up and there you are. Then, she feels better and off she goes again. But what if, as time goes on, she hurts less and less, but you're still keen? Does this mean that she just stops making these times to see you? Where does that leave you?

 

Exactly - so she has it sweet, but what do I have? Sure my feelings for her will dwindle over time, but I'd like to remain friends. Am I justified in expecting her to care how I feel about things, even after we've broken up? Does it sound to you like she's just using me? Perhaps she doesn't know herself what she wants right now, apart from her own life again. Perhaps I just need to do as the old saying goes, if you love them let them go, if they come back they're yours. If they don't they never were.

 

I guess I'm scared to bring these things up with her as she might run the other way - not really what I'm hoping for. I also haven't accepted the fact she may be with other people (not right now, but in the future). I think I haven't really accepted the fact it's over, either. Hence my willingness to see her. This is probably due in part to the fact that the last few times I've seen her, we've got on so well - able to talk about things freely without any hint of an argument. It's hard not contacting her as I'm worried that she'll either forget about me, or go shag someone else. Something I have to deal with myself I guess..

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and I'm sure she is hurting. But at the moment, she has all the power. She gets to make all the terms and that makes it hard for you, because you still love her and will take whatever contact she is willing to offer you.

 

Doesn't make for much of a friendship does it.. perhaps it's too early. So many questions running through my head! haha

 

If you think that she might come back, then maybe you can look at this as you keeping contact and keeping the posibility of a reconciliation alive, but if you don't think that there is much chance of this happening, then maybe you need to look at the less attractive possibility that she's doing this simply to ease her pain. And while that may work for both of you, just make sure you know that this is what's happening, and try not to get your hopes up.

 

I've really no idea. We were really unhappy together for a long time, so I don't think it's going to happen, at least not in the next year or so. She doesn't seem to have let go of the bad memories yet, don't think that will happen for a while.

 

Thanks for your thoughts - they're really helpful. It's good to get it out and talk to someone that has been through what I'm going through!

[aymee_lee]

Sounds like things are getting a bit clearer for you. It seems that only time will tell what's going to happen here and I think you're doing the right thing.

 

I'm glad I've been helpful. When my ex and I broke up no-one knew what I was going through and the only advice I got was 'you'll get over it', 'he's just an * * *' etc. But it's never as simple as that, as you well know. Glad I could help

[johnnynz]

Saw her again on Sunday. Have sort of resolved things, how she feels, how I feel. She still cares, wants to remain friends and keep in contact, but is seeing someone else. Oh well, she has to do what she wants, it's her life. Don't really know how to proceed from here - she's hurt me so much, am I supposed to be nice to her?

[aymee_lee]

Hi

 

I hope everything is going ok for you now. I think you should treat her how you feel that you can. That is, if you feel like you want to be nice to her, then do that. If you're not sure if you can do that it's probably best to stay away. You're very hurt right now and you might do/say something you might regret later. Good Luck

[Momene]

I've been both the dumper and the dumpee and both are hard but either way, when you reflect on it years later, you realise it never worked as it should and you're better off without each other.

[johnnynz]

Thanks for the kind words.

 

She says she needs time to get over things, and while I have no problem giving her that (before we start spending time together as friends? I don't know) I guess I'm feeling like if I don't contact her she'll just forget about me and start liking this new guy more and more. Insecure, I know.

 

Oh well.

[Momene]

Yes, I think she does need time on her own before you can be friends, even though it seems hard on you.

[johnnynz]

As I said, my ex and I did become friends, but only after we had taken time apart to grow and develop our own lives. During the 6 months were weren't speaking, I desperately wanted to catch up, but looking back, the distance was the best thing we ever did.

 

It now seems this is the stage I'm at. She now doesn't want any contact at all (after appearing to be ok with the casual call etc). Perhaps distance for now is the best thing.. hope so, as I'd really hate to lose her as a friend too.

[aymee_lee]

Just give her the space she needs, otherwise she's just going to get angry with you. How are you coping with the break up now? It's been a little while.

[johnnynz]

Just give her the space she needs, otherwise she's just going to get angry with you. How are you coping with the break up now? It's been a little while.

 

A bit closer to getting over her but still a long way to go

I think about things daily - things I miss etc. I don't want to get back together but I guess I just miss the good times we spent together. Coming out of a 3 1/2 year relationship, life is so much different. I don't really know where to start, sorta feel my life has no direction now. Guess I'm still young though!! haha

[johnnynz]

So after some more months a bit more has happened. The short of it being, after not talking at all for a month (over which time I'd actually stopped thinking about her daily) she got in contact again, said she was depressed and lonely. I felt sorry for her so saw her the following Saturday (I was sort-of seeing someone else at the time). I cared about her and felt sorry she was sad, and wanted to be there for her (this was a mistake). We started talking every second day and hanging out every weekend, and started sleeping together again. I got rid of the girl I was seeing as she was a bit controlling, and I really wanted to be there for my ex (silly me). I got attached again (second mistake). She obviously doesn't really care as she's recently met someone and is back on the 'I need space/we can't hang out anymore' train. We were getting on really well for about a month there before she started seeing this guy - now I'm in the backseat again. I'm fed up with being what appears to be a doormat to be honest. Do you think she realises what she's doing? I'd rather be on good terms than bad but she really doesn't seem to care much at all. I would've thought the time we'd spent together (nearly 3 1/2 years) would've meant something still. Does it usually? It seems as though she has no respect for me, which makes me so angry, I've been so nice to her recently.

 

I now see what you mean by if I stay in her life as a friend, I'll see her meeting other people etc, and I'm not really sure whether I can deal with that yet. She obviously doesn't really care about me in any capacity (other than perhaps an acquaintance) so I'm just going to leave it. It's gutting because we've been getting on so well recently. Hopefully I'll meet someone else as caring and thoughtful as her one day..