How important is sex in a relationship?

[babypink61]

This question was brought up in our conversation between my bf and I the other day. And I'd be interested in hearing everyone's thoughts on this. To me I view the emotional support part of the relationship to be more important than the physical aspect. Sure, sex is something that brings the couple together and makes the relationship more intimate, but do you think your relationship can survive without it? In my previous long-term relationship, my ex-bf and rarely had sex (I don't think he was that sexual or maybe he didn't feel comfortable because he was inexperienced), but I was fine with that because so many other aspects of our relationship made me happy that I was able to see past that. And he was ok with that too. But my current bf has a different take on this. He thinks that a couple cannot be as close as they can't be without sex. Maybe I should bring up the reason to why this topic even came up. We've been together for a little bit over a year and at the beginning of the relationship I'd want to do it all the time. We see each other pretty much every weekend (he lives an hour away) and we would have sex about 2-3 times a day. But now, that number has decreased down to maybe 1 or 2 times a day, or even once every two days, and it's mostly because of me. Not sure if it's because we've been together for a while that my sex drive has gone down. That's pretty normal right? And it's not because I'm not attracted to my bf anymore or anything, it's just that, I don't know, sometimes I am just not in the mood, lol. And when my bf tries to initiate something, sometimes I'd just say, aw baby, I'm sorry, but I'm not in the mood . . . I guess he feels somewhat rejected and it turns into a insecurity issue. But I've told him many of times that it's not his problem, but mine. And he has mentioned that sometimes he feels like there's "something" missing between us . . . like we are not as close as we used to be, like part of that connection is missing because we aren't as intimate sexually as we used to be. Can this really affect how close our relationship can be? Maybe some of you men (and women) out there can shed some light on this . . .

 

Sorry for the long entry . . . but I'm just a bit puzzled . . .

[melrich]

Sex is very important in a long term mature relationship.

 

Having said that, the levels of sex you are currently at with your b/f should not be any cause for concern at all.

[Aschleigh]

I think sex is integral to the kind of relationship I want in my life right now. I am 29 and just hiiting my stride sexually. It gets better and better as women get older , at least in my experience. My boyfriend is 22, 23 in a week.

We have a strong sexual connection. I want to have a relationship that is very sexy and very intimate.

It depends what you want. I think problems or a disinterest in sex with someone might be trying to tell you of an issue you need to deal with. Things like depression, moodiness, stress, life changes all effect how you feel about sex.

But I find that sex is a really good way to bond with my boyfriend. To physically connect on a level that just talking and emotionally being there for someone isn't. Although that's important too. I feel so much more relaxed after I've has sex with my boyfriend.

I don't know if that helped, just things to think about.

Why don't you outright talk about with your boyfriend. Like " you know I have been feeling the same sexual intensity that I used to feel with you, why don't we do something a bit different , let's talk about it and see what's going well and what needs improvement."

I know most men are not good with giving enough forplay. Or enough quality oral sex , or enough holding and all over body kisses. Who knows what you need? Start thinking about yourself and your needs first. What do you want, sexually and relationship wise and then ask for it.

[babypink61]

Thank you guys for the great advice Aschleigh - I will def take your suggestion into consideration.

 

It's like, I know the physical connection is important. But I feel like my bf is putting an emphasis on something that only takes a part of the relationship and not focusing on the other aspects, such as our emotional supoort for each other. Like after he said that to me, I feel like I HAVE to have sex with him, even if I feel tired or am not in the mood at all.

[Aschleigh]

Ok I get it.

You are not feeling emotionally supported so you don't want to have sex with him.

As women our emotions and sexualaity are very connected.

Men are less connected in this way, wheather it's society or nature that made them this way, men can have sex without emotion much easier than women.

So here's the deal , tell your boyfriend that feeling emotionally supported makes you feel loved and feeling loved makes you feel sexy. That's it's all connected and he doesn't get to pick just one to focus on, it's all a part of you. All aspects need to be worked on simulatiously.

A great conversation, leads to a great backrub, leads to great sex.

Tell your boyfriend you want to connect on emotional, mental, and sexual levels .

It's a real possibility you are just outgrowing this relationship and wanting more from yourself and from your boyfriend. If this relationship isn't working, there are many more boys and men who are also looking for more than just sex in the relationships. Keep your options open and your eyes open too.

[ocrob]

I agree that sex is extremely important, but it does sound like you are having enough sex. If you were to say you only have sex once a month, then it may have concerned me. Sex once a week is definitely not something that is abnormal. I would say your bf is lucky and should appreciate it. If you are getting bored, then try to figure out why. I would suggest thinking of ways that he can please you. Guys love to please their women and don't always know how. I am personally a giver, but not all guys are or know how to be.

[Dancerella]

of course its important, but by no means is it most important. All of the physical 'stuff' fades over time. The most important thing is having a connection, attraction and relationship based on something other than sex.

[babypink61]

lol I think our sexual relationship is pretty healthy too. But I guess comparing to what it used to be, I guess he's just somewhat concerned with why I'm suddenly not that interested in him sexually anymore. Honestly, even I can't figure out why I'm not that into sex anymore. Has that ever happen to you guys? Sometimes I'm just tired and don't feel like it, but there are times that I just don't feel like it for no reason at all. Like sometimes I rather just snuggle up to him and just hold each other and cuddle or something rather than have sex . . .

[Momene]

There's a saying that when you start having sex regularly with a partner, you put a cent (or penny in England) in a bottle every time you have sex. After 6 months you take the coin out instead. The bottle never empties. Having had 3 regular sexual partners, you get your sex drive back with someone new.

 

I can't say I'm happy about sex tailing off but it just seems to be as inevitable as the rising of the sun.

 

Tiredness, stress and sheer old age don't help as do going to bed at different times.

[biddo]

sex is a doozy id be lying if i ssaid i dont like sex ... but truth is its not the best thing in a relationship ..

love , commitment , understanding .. friendship and reliability , loyalty are the most important .

[Lansing]

For me, I want to have a relationship that is balanced.... I don't want a relationship that is relying on "sex" to hold us together. I think it is easy to get addicted to the physical pleasure of sex and just stay with someone because you are enjoying that part....

[Erudite]

He thinks that a couple cannot be as close as they can't be without sex. Maybe I should bring up the reason to why this topic even came up. We've been together for a little bit over a year and at the beginning of the relationship I'd want to do it all the time. We see each other pretty much every weekend (he lives an hour away) and we would have sex about 2-3 times a day. But now, that number has decreased down to maybe 1 or 2 times a day, or even once every two days, and it's mostly because of me.

 

You just might not be that giving of a person. Generally, I believe that each person in the relationship has the obligation to keep the other satisfied. Would you like it if he just "wasn't in the mood" for emotional intimacy?