Feeling trapped by family secret

[HidingThePast]

I've been hiding a family secret ever since childhood. I'm 28 years old now and I still feel trapped by my family history.

 

To the eye that doesn't know any better, my childhood probably looked idealic. I grew up in a two parent, upper-middle class household in suburbia. My parents were both successful people and I was a popular student/athlete. Our "perfect family" image masked the reality of a less than ideal homelife.

 

My father was a workaholic, who abused drugs and alcohol. Although it surely strained my parents relationship, his drinking/drug use didn't initially affect me, partly because he was so good at hiding it. He even started dealing drugs to support his habit and conceal his spending from my mother (this way my mom wouldn't notice withdrawls from their bank account or ask him about missing money)

 

As I got older, I became more aware of what was really happening...what mom and dad were always arguing about, why my father (a charismatic business man) was meeting all of these shady people, why he spent so much time "getting ready" in the bathroom each morning, etc, etc. I didn't dare tell anyone, though. I kept quiet and pretended things were normal.

 

That pretense was shattered late one night when I woke up to screams and glass breaking. It was the police. They were raiding my house to arrest my father for drug possession and distribution. I've never been so afraid in my life. As afraid as I was about what would happen to my family, I was almost as scared about what everyone else would think of us. My friend's dad was a cop, another friend's father was the town mayor...they were both involved in the raid. Besides who could miss the 10 police cars with flashing lights in front of the house. Everyone was going to know.

 

Strangely few people said anything to me about it. I lied to those who did ask. "Was that your dad in the newspaper? Nope it's a common last name" "why were the police at your house? someone tried to break into the house! we called 911" blah blah blah

 

Over time the people stopped asking. The arrest was probably the best thing that could have happened to my dad because it forced him to get his act together. He has been recovered ever since.

 

I, on the other hand, still feel trapped by what he did. I told so many lies to hide the family secret during his arrest, trial, treatment. I still panic when I see the mayor's daughter or someone else from my hometown in a social setting because part of me worries that they know and will expose me to my friends.

 

What should I do? I didn't do anything wrong, but I still feel ashamed. I wish I could just forget this happened and get on with life. I don't want to sever ties with everyone I grew up with so "do they know" will be an ongoing problem. I can't tell all of these people I've been lying to them for 10-15 yrs, but I'm scared to death someone will tell someone who'll tell one of my friends, etc... Any advice?

[charmed]

Hi There !

 

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your problem with us.

 

i actually understand what you are talking about - I don't want to discuss my story - but I know the feeling you are talking about - the constant wonder when you are on your stret - you meet seomone wvery now and then and wonder - do they actulally know or is it just me thinking everone knows. It is truly a horrible feeling that makes you vulnerable at the time you feel it.

 

The way I look at it, you can call up to each person in your home town and grab the bull by the horns and tell them how it is. Thats not going to happen of course - it wouldn't work, and you can be sure that more people would find out than already know - a lot lot more. The truth is that it is playing a far far more important part in your mind than it is in anybody elses. Do you honestly think that people think - "o look, theres the girl whos dad was arrested for drugs"?? Seriously - short of him being the Oklahoma bomber, people have not made a point of remembering the fact.

 

You need to get used to the idea that it happened - and as you said, things are better now for it happening - your dad is off the drugs. Everyone has their skeletons - don't worry so much about yours - it's actually not really that bad.

 

Hope this helps you !

 

~Charmed~

[musicchicus]

How about accepting that it is your father's skeleton, his embarrasement, his failure, not yours.

 

When you run into folks you know, and that worry comes up, remember that a) it wasn't your fault and b) if they are so caddy and judgemental to think bad things about you because of what HE did all those years ago...well, they are not the sort of people whose opinions would matter to you...don't you think?

 

Accept that it happened and that it is over...your father worked past it, it is time for you to also.

 

Consider that perhaps there is something about it that keeps you hanging on to this...who knows? Guilt, fear, whatever...perhaps speaking with a counselor or doctor might help you work past the issues?

 

Best of luck

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Wow, You are so brave to share this. I know this has had to be on your mind for such a long time. I feel so privleged to experience this with you. You are very sad and that bothers me because I know that no matter what the family or Forum will tell you ...you will always feel guilt that your father did this to the family and even worse his self. You sound like a man who wants to let these demons go and move on. Do not confess anything like this to anyone if you don't want to . You are not a "bad" person because you don't want to share this with everyone. Your sharing is up to you and no one but you. you did not even have to tell us, but you did and I'm glad. What you went through must have been so traumatic and I feel your pain. I have hidden a secret from my boyfriend for the past 9 months. I wont tell him unless he marries me, if he doesnt then he will never know, because I will only share this with you guys and my future husband only!I told him that I was raped and stalked but the truth is, it wasn't by a stranger...it was by a family member. I still to this day speak to the family member but only when i have to see him. Other then that....I chose to be distant. I am too ashamed to tell him this. I am trying not to be ashamed of where I came from and where I'm going, so don't you be ashamed of what someone else did to you. His life is his, and your life is yours.

[raggamuffin]

It certainly is your fathers secret and not yours to worry about. You did nothing to be ashamed of. Im sure that the people who know rarely ever think about what happened to your family all of those years ago and that they have moved on and probably have better things to talk about now days. You did what you thought was the best thing at the time and Im sure if you told your friends they would be very understanding as to why you didnt tell anyone about this secrets. Everyone has secrets and it might help you and your friends become closer.

[HidingThePast]

Do you honestly think that people think - "o look, theres the girl whos dad was arrested for drugs"?? Seriously - short of him being the Oklahoma bomber, people have not made a point of remembering the fact.

 

You're right in a way. No I don't think random people see me and say "oh there's the girl whose dad was involved in that big drug bust." I do think people who know me or who lived in my neighborhood still remember it, though. There wasn't much crime in my hometown so my father's arrest was quite the scandal and the local newspapers depicted him as some sort of drug king pin.

 

I sometimes hear friends gossiping about other people's families and I wonder what they say about me when I'm not present. For example, this girl's mom died under "suspicious circumstance" about 12 years ago. People still talk about her mom's death and what "really happened." It's certainly not something you hear talked about every day or everytime someone sees her, but the topic is discussed on occasion.

 

I'm not worried about strangers making a connection between me and my father's crime. Surely most people have forgotten about it. I'm concerned about it being brought up in conversation between mutual friends and people close to me finding out and pitying me or thinking differently of my father. I also worry that they'll feel uncomfortable around us or uneasy because I haven't been forthcoming with them.

 

I particularly worry about the mayor's family. Frankly speaking the mayor is not a law enforcement officer and had no right to even be present at the police raid, but he was walking around my house that night like he owned the place. I remember him looking at me and knowing he recognized me from school/sports teams. He knew that I went to school with his daughters and I'm sure I've been discussed in their house at some point or another. I get nervous everytime I see his youngest daughter because I don't really know her well and she has no reason to keep my family issues private. She seems like a gossip queen and I just envision her telling people details of what her father saw that night.

 

It just sucks, but short of completely severing ties with people from home it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do.

[HidingThePast]

Wow, You are so brave to share this.

 

Thanks sweety, but honestly I'm far from brave about this topic. I've NEVER talked to anyone about it and were it not for the anonomity of the internet I wouldn't have shared it here either. Thanks for you kind words, though.

[HidingThePast]

The people you care about and that care about you are the only people you should be thinking about here. The mayors daughter would probably find something else to gossip about you if it wasn't this - and thats if she is even gossiping at all.

 

Agreed, but someone I care about is a friend of the mayor's daughter and and I don't want the mayor's daughter to broadcast my business. If my friend is going to find out I'd rather it wasn't through petty gossip.

 

You talk about the mafia girl - think about that for a second. How often do you talk about that and how much of an effect does you talking about it really have. Essencially what damage can anyone talking about this have on you.

 

Actually, I don't talk about it becuase I can relate to her situation and know it's something she doesn't want discussed. The subject doesn't come up often, but every time I hear it discussed there at least one new person in the group that didn't know and does now. Everyone also gets this sad "poor her" look about them and says things like "I can't believe it, her dad seems so cool." I don't want my skeletons discussed or anyone pitying me in the same manner. I also don't want anyone to look down on my dad. He made his mistakes, paid for them and has his life back together now.

 

I don't know. I don't think about this stuff often, usually just when I'm going to see someone from home (which I did yesterday). I guess I just wish I could see people from home and not feel ashamed of things that happened so long ago and that I had no control over then or now. Why can't people just leave stuff in the past?

[charmed]

I don't want my skeletons discussed or anyone pitying me in the same way. I also don't want anyone to look down on my dad. He made his mistakes, paid for them and has his life back together now.

 

Have you really got any control over this anyway? No. If people are talking about it, you will probably not know. If they are, you will probably not know. Eitherway, you are worried that they might be, and thats a waste of energy. As I said - short of doing something positive for the community to make that extra effort to be noticed in a good light, there is nothing you can do about this situation. The only thing that is getting to you is your own insecurities - and that is a figment of your imagination. Yes - you are afraid because your mind is telling you that there may be things happening. It's not much different to letting yourself get upset because you think that you are going to split up with a boyfriend sometime in the future - it's total guesswork.

 

I had to let this thing go myself - and to be honest, I still get a small goosebumps when I see certain people - but thats the way that it's going to be - and thats life. Theres plenty of things I wish were different. not the issue I'm talking about myself but My parents were on the front page of the main evening newspaper in Dublin because my granny took them to court. Everyone in our housing area knew about it. What are you going to do about it?!! Nothing - I cried a bit, but eventually I knew that it really was out of my control and that I had to live with it - the easy or the hard way.

 

I really appreciate that this is hard for you to talk about and deal with - but grab the bull by the horns here and get it done once and for all. THis is not a bad bad thing - really. You have to move on and stop cutting yourself up over it. Learn to embrace that it happened - and get comfortable with it - then it won't hurt you anymore. It really is that simple.

 

Talk soon, take care...

 

~Charmed~