Is this a respected relationship?

[Mango88]

Hello,

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. She attends school in a distant city, so our time together is always limited. I was hoping we'd finally get the opportunity during the summer to be together more than just once a week or once every other week (her home is nearby). She has summer commitments at home (job, etc.), as do I, and I understand that we can only see each other for a few hours here and there.

 

She has a lot of guy friends, though, which isn't necessarily a problem. I understand that not all friends will be of the same sex. What bothers me, though, is that she always tells me about her guy friends, and it always ends up becoming a story of how they all like her and want to go out with her. In addition to that, she takes pride in telling me about all the guys that hit on her and how lucky I am to be the one with her. I guess she really could be just that confident of herself, but it comes off as arrogance in my book, and I really don't think I need to be hearing about it all the time. I've had girls hit on me and tell me they have an interest in me, but I don't think twice about it because I am in a relationship and, out of respect for her (because I'd like to think it would make her feel less special and less important if I talked about other girls liking me) and for our relationship, I don't bring up these situations to her.

 

It just makes me think that if she's so in tune to being hit on and to having all her "just friends" guys liking her, why the heck is she still around? I wonder if I'm just a security blanket now until someone better rolls around.

 

Lately, she's successfully made efforts to stay over other guys' houses and some have stayed over her house (the guys that like her, so she's either leading them on or playing me for a fool). Her parents won't let her do that stuff with me because we are going out, and they'd like her to see other people anyway because apparently i'm not really good enough.

 

As I said before, though, I understand some relationships can be platonic, but I have told her in the past that her antics bother me. She dismisses my concerns and does not understand at all where I'm coming from, saying I am jealous and possessive. I can't help but be pissed off, though, when she goes and stays over with a guy and his family and proceeds to tell me he does have feelings for her. I know she can't control his feelings for her, but she could back off. I've never asked her to do so because it his her life, but I will not hold back from telling her I'm uncomfortable with the situation. When I tell her, though, she says I am making her feel guilty and inadvertently telling her she shouldn't be doing this stuff. It's like she turns it around back in my face and makes me wonder if I'm the problem.

 

Well, soon she will be back at school to see all these friends for as long as she wants, whenever she wants. There are no bounds when she is with them. When she's with me, though, we're always under a curfew and always under the clock. Sometimes I think I'd rather just be her friend because then I could do more with her than I can now. It just sucks feeling unaccepted by her parents and knowing they are pushing her away. Then again, though, I feel she's pushing herself away, too.

 

I've contemplated ending it and saying goodbye. Are all women like this with respect to guy friends? Is she being disrespectful of the relationship or am I just too uptight?

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated,

 

Thanks!

[charmed]

Hi Mango, and welcome to the Forum,

 

I guess that you are very frustrated right now at your relationship. I can see why this would be the case. I would like to know, has she been like this all the time throughout the relationship? Was she like this when you met? What sort of person is she. Is she really as confident as she comes accross, or is there a big weakness beneath it? I do have reasons for asking these questions, but I'll let you answer them first.

 

As for her parents - well they definitely are not helping the situation and the sound like they are being very very rude about trying to push you out of the equation. Not fair - and to be honest there may not be a lot you can do about that. How old are you guys anyways?

 

What did you mean by "Lately she's made efforts" to stay at other guys houses?

 

Regarding your question and title question , are you being too uptight, is this normal - I think that is relevant. There may be someone out there that would have no probnlems at all with this situation, but it is you in the situation and if you are not happy, then you should be doing something about it. She, in fact, should be doing something about it if she actually cares about you.

 

Give me an answer to those questions above - then I'll have a final comment on what I think you should do here.

 

~Charmed~

[Lanni]

Something you may not have thought of is that she may have EXTREMELY low self esteem. I felt like you were writing about me 10 years ago. I too have had mostly male friends my whole life. I too had lots of them want to be with me. I even strung some of them along just to keep them around. I know this sounds horrid. Believe me. One of them I even gave false hope to for more than 10 years. And sadly, looking back, it was all because I didn't feel good about myself. I only felt good when I had the attention of men. And lots of it. I didn't intentionally (or knowlingly) keep these guys around for attention. It took years to undo this need (and sometimes it still creeps back).

 

SO, my advice to you is rather than call her on it, sit her down and talk to her about what she needs from you. Be candid. Ask her if she loves you. Ask her why. Ask her if you can do more things to play together. Try to work your way in as a bestfriend/boyfriend. Then if you feel that it is appropriate, ask her if she would feel threatened if you had lots of female friends who wanted to date you??? Chances are it would drive her mad.

 

But honestly, I think her comments to you about the other guys are her way of getting you to fight for her. Maybe she wants you to get pissed? Maybe she wants you to tell her that she is yours? Maybe she is trying to see if you really love her??? Just thoughts. Good luck my friend!

[Mango88]

Hi Charmed and Lanni,

 

I have replied to both of you via Private Message