Is it too late for NC?

[Trex]

I have been posting here for a while. Tonight my ex and I had a talk about "us"--- she said "I love you" and I didn't reply. She asked me "so you don't love me anymore?" Then it all started. There was no fighting, no arguing, only me calmly telling her why I had taken her for granted. She would not say we could work on things, she would not give me an answer, just that she was too tired to talk about it (it was late at night after a party she'd invited me to attend with her). I pushed a little, then she grew irritated and hugged me and I left.

 

My question is: I have never gone FULL NC--- that is, I have always returned her calls after a day or so. Is it too late (it's been 3 1/2 months since we broke up with lots of hanging out but little relationship talk) for me to go full NC?? That is, if she calls and I don't answer for a LONG TIME... Is it too late?? Of course, I want her to miss me. I have tried everything else. It seems to be my last option. What should I do??

[joyce1412]

hey there. wow...it seems like your ex wants everything on her terms. she's allowed to bully YOU into telling her that you love her--which you shouldn't necessarily be doing, because it probably doesn't feel safe for you to lay your feelings on the line right now, does it? but when you want to discuss issues with HER, she seems to think she's allowed to just dismiss you. NOT cool.

 

that said, it probably wasn't a good time to talk (late at night, post-party). do you think it could have gone any better in a different context? was it just bad timing and a bad mood, or is she always like this?

 

you've still made yourself extremely available to her even after the breakup. maybe it's time to have a little space, huh? you don't have to stop returning her calls without any explanation. just say that you think it would be a good idea for you (or the both of you, however you want to phrase it) if you had a little space--which is what you are supposed to have after a breakup ANYWAY. it sounds like having time to get a little perspective would really help you out. if anything, you two could both cool down a bit.

 

you've tried one method for these 3 1/2 months, and it seems it hasn't worked...it sounds like it might be a good time to see what NC does for things. plus, you've been letting her have so much control that taking some for yourself might also be personally empowering.

 

good luck!...let us know how it goes.

[jenny_mcs]

I disagree with both joyce, and also with the way you have been handling this situation.

 

I went back to your original post, and you said "Well, I believe the break-up was really about the fact that I totally took her for granted for the last 5 months (we were together for a year, not living together), and then we went on a romantic trip to Mexico and I acted like a jerk, pushed her away romantically."

 

This is what I don't get. You say that you mostly caused the breakup by pushing her away romantcally. Then, when she is telling you that she loves you, you sit there and don't reply??

 

If I were her, I wouldn't commit to giving things another try either, because it seems like the same issues are still there for you.

 

And now you think going NC is going to help how?

 

If you truly believe that you ruined this relationship by not being a loving partner, by not striving every day to show her that she was loved and cherished, then why in the world aren't you trying to show her that now?

 

Have you tried altering *your* behavior to fix the original problem? I'm actually kind of surprised she is still hanging in there with you. Why won't you tell her that you love her?

[Trex]

Jenny,

 

I DID tell her that I love her. It's just that last night I didn't want to go there, so I didn't answer her until she asked the question. I just didn't tell the whole story in my post--- sorry about that, but I didn't want to get into EVERY detail. Last night, after I paused for a bit and she pulled back, I looked at her and told her "Of course I still love you. Did you think I could stop loving you?"

 

Believe me, I have done EVERYTHING to show her how much I love her. I told her she was my best friend and that I wanted to spend my whole life with her, making a home and having a family with her, etc. I told her all of these things. And I have been there for her when she has needed anything these last 3 months, much more so than I was in our relationship. I have SHOWED her that I am changing, and how much I care about her. With the "I love you" I was just trying to guard my feelings at first. But that's what launched us into a relationship talk. Everything i have read says that when you are trying to be friends and you ultimately want to get back together, don't talk about the relationship unless THEY bring it up first.

 

Do you still think I've blown it?? I just think i need to take some time and space away from her and give her a chance to miss me. I think she needs to soak in everything that we talked about last night and also think about everything that she has seen CHANGING with me for the last 3 months.

[jenny_mcs]

Trex-

 

Ok, your last post and the additional details changes my opinion, sorry if I sounded harsh in my initial post!

 

If you have told her you love her, want a life & a family with her, regret the mistakes you made, and truly backed that up with actions, then there is really nothing more that you can do.

 

You've spent a few months showing her the changes and letting her know how you feel.

 

I agree that backing off for a while is in order. However, I would not just suddenly stop calling or returning her calls, as that may remind her/ bring up feelings of the past, when she felt pushed aside.

 

I would calmly tell her one last time that you want to work at rebuilding the relationship with a goal of getting back together. If she can't/won't respond to that, and brushes it aside again, then I would really back off.

 

You have made mistakes, but you are trying to correct them, and I think after 3 months of trying, you deserve to at least know where she stands with things.

 

Good luck, I hope it works out for you!

[Trex]

I will wait to hear from her. She didn't call at all today. I'm not surprised, based on what happened last night. I am hoping she'll wait a while to call, time enough to think about what I said.

 

When she does call, I don't know if I should respond unless she leaves a message telling me that she really wants to talk about things. I don't think I should respond to just any call, though. I mean, if she calls saying "hey I was just thinking about you, just checking in to see if you're okay," I don't think I should respond. Perhaps I'm being stubborn about this, but I don't think so. What do you think?

[jenny_mcs]

Well, that depends. Do you want to reconcile with your girlfriend, or do you want have some sort of perceived upper hand?

 

If you want to reconcile with your girlfriend, I would return her call, no matter how generic the message. I would re-affirm that you wanted to work towards getting back together, ask her thoughts on the matter, and then listen to what she has to say.

 

If you wanted to make her feel insecure and angry (again, bringing back memories of when you acted poorly in your relationship), then I would say, sure, ignore her calls until she leaves what you consider the “correct” message.

 

I’m not advocating you remaining in this limbo state forever. What I’m suggesting is that you tell your ex that you love her and want to work towards reconciliation, and ask her if that is what she wants also. You deserve an answer after 3 months of this uncertain state, but waiting for her to leave some certain message for you does not seem like the most direct and loving way to approach it.

 

And also, I am curious as to why you treated her poorly towards the end of the relationship. Have you figured that out? If I was your ex, that is what I would want to know.

[Trex]

Absolutely, I want to reconcile more than anything in the world. Perhaps you are right, and wanting her to leave a certain type of message is not the most loving way to get her to come around. I just really hadn't thought of it that way. I always want to do the most loving thing.

 

I pushed her away because of my own deep-seated fears about commitment. I have dealt with those fears and come to terms with them in the last 3 months. I have learned so much about myself and the reasons why I was so distant with her. Once I realized that she was the love of my life, I tried to implement change. And I have been doing so for 3 1/2 months. If we had gotten together again much sooner, the same problems may have reoccurred, and I would be right back here in a state of despair. But I have learned, and though I want to reconcile more than anything in my life at the moment, I still want to take things slowly, and remain just friends for a bit longer.

 

I am afraid that when she calls if I ask her what she wants to do in the way of reconciling, that she will turn me down. I don't want to pressure her at all. How do I do that? Do I simply act as if nothing has happened and wait for her to bring up the topic, however long that may be? I feel like I should just play it cool for as long as it takes now that we have reached this point.

[Trex]

She called tonight. I acted happy to hear from her, was very friendly and polite. Not a hint of sadness or anxiety. She asked me twice if I had a good day today. I told her "yes, I had a terrific day." She seemed surprised. I guess she presupposed I would have said that I had a crap day because I was thinking about her and wondering if we were going to get back together or not.

 

I tried to be as upbeat as possible without sounding silly. This is the attitude everyone (and every book I've read) has told me to portray. So I felt pretty good about it all. She did not bring up the relationship or what happened two nights ago, and neither did I. Then I got off the phone within 10 minutes and thanked her for calling, said I needed to go. I tried to play it cool. Have I done the right thing here?

[Siriana]

Well, you were really cool, you've played that one great. I guess she is now thinking about it.

I don't know all the story, what happened before, but based on the things you wrote here it looks like she's been hurt by the fact you were distant and scared to be emotionally warm toward her.

The only thing you can do is to be yourself around her, without pressuring her with demands to get back together. If you really changed and started to realise where you went wrong and if she wants to take another chance she will recognise your effort and give you that chance once again. If you become a better person she will sense that, and by the way you treat her as a friend she can see how are you improving.

Just be cautious not to play the good guy, but really trying to be one. Don't focus your mind on getting back with her, but on improving yourself. Maybe than she decides to help you in that.

I will definitely try to see your previous threads about your relationship with this girl, so maybe I will think about some other suggestions.

Good luck

[Trex]

Thanks so much syrix, and everyone. Your words and wisdom have helped me a great deal.

 

I feel so strong today. Now is about the time of night when I usually get anxious and depressed, because she usually calls around this time. I haven't heard from her in two days, but I feel just fine. I will continue to be strong and positive and happy when i speak with her. I have no idea what is going through her head, or what is going to happen, but I do know that I don't feel so emotionally fragile. It's odd. But that one phone call 2 days ago, with me ending the conversation first and having a very pleasant chat has made me feel so good.

 

On sunday evening she also emailed me a photo taken about 10 days ago with her two dogs. I didn't respond to the email, even though I thought it was sweet of her to send it. I am not sure if that was right. Normally, I would have probably sent her a photo too, but being that she won't say where our relationship is headed, I am trying to not be TOO available to her any more...