just looking someone to listen

[JoeIII]

i am so lost now i cannot believe it. i am sitting here right now thinking to myself that i have to go to pwork tomorrow- which means that i have to get up at five- im tired but i cannot sleep- and i really mean that i cannot sleep- i try and try so hard to fall asleep. you see the problem i have right now is the world. i am so unhappy with my life in general that it is making me miss the beauty that i know is in this world- in fact it is like the concept of this world being beautiful is as odd as the concept of me walking on the moon tomorrow! i just graduated from highschool- got set with art school- so i should be happy- i mean- i live alone and i work- so i have money- i should be partying- but i cannot for some reason. everything looks dirty and messed up- i cannot be around people for too long and everything makes me so angry. i have this vision in my head of a nice appartment with a kitty and laying back relaxed with the thought going through my head that i am happy. i should have someone that i can love who loves me too- but no luck- every - although beautiful has crushed me with- "lets have fun- no romance!" whats that about???- i thought guys were usually like that???!!! im not being mean but every i have dated or wanted to grow in love with says they just wanna have fun- am i a bit nuts???? but thats not all. everytime i work i think that this will be it- ill finally have it good now. i mean i worked so hard to graduate- but it got me no where. every job i get isnt enough. my parents help me with little more than nothing - i mean i was in a foster home for years cause they were nuts (i love em' even so) and as soon as i ask them for a bit of help- they freak out and tell me im an and throw nothing but a few bucks! i mean i a 18- i understand that i am an now- but you think they could help a bit- maybe just to make up for all the missed years of having to deal with me or my brothers and sisters. i work hard- i get nothing. my friends are a small amount- mainly cause i cannot connect with most people cause most people i meet are nuts (not in a good way)- and have some strange ideas about and - and i cannot relax with that. so anyway- my friends are all i have- that and art- and yet i get the idea that they would disappear in a moment if something nice came their way. i would never move away form my best friend- at least not at a moment when we have so much to build- i dunno- maybe i have a weird idea of what friendship is. now i decided to not go to art school- at least for now- and work- take a few classes- then try to get some of my work in a gallery. but it is so hard to paint when you are exhausted after working all day and wait an hour for the bus- go home to a little bit of food- all i wanna do id sleep- but ill drop anything for my friends- which drives me nuts- i mean if we go out we go to the mall- THE MALL! i mean i like the mall- not every other day though. i would like to go to a gallery or a book shop- out for tea at a cafe- which we rarly do- and those ideas get a look sometimes- but i have no guts to say- "whats the point???!!!" i wasting my time but i cannot think of anyway to spend it. i have a sense of andventure- somewhat of a transcendalist- and i wan t to believe that there is something more meaning full to life than this- or that this life now i live is the icing to somnething with more meaning than can be imagined. but i find a sick feeling. i wanted to go to NYC and try it there- so when the chance came up- i jumped at it- a guy i meant and grew to trust said hed take me up there and id love it- this a long story in itself- but to keep it short- he took advantage of me- and i feel so dirty for letting this guy trick me into stuff for the idea of a better life. it seems that i am stuck in a situation- im starting to lose my ground- i want something that is worth living for- a person- friend- whatever. there is nothing- art even- as passionate as i was- seems worthless at times. the only thing i can hold onto with art is the idea that the moment spend creating a painting will last forever. but i am starting to think that there are not enough of those moments, nobody wants to talk about purpose- they shove it to the side and talk about something stupid in my opinion- like the guitarists in rancid or something goofy. music is music- clothes are clothes- there is too much image- just another thing that i cannot stand. even now- just to talk i have turned to the computer- and i have to realize that every connection i mke on the computer will always beon the computer- just like in life- when people are only friends at certain times. i am getting depressed. i need something soon. i dont want to fall into a hole. i dont think there is much advice to give that i have not thought of in a manner- i just wanna talk about whats me inside- and maybe some of you will understand me.

thanks for listening and excuse the type-os!!!

Joe

[Goincrazy]

Stop Stop I'm getting tears in my eyes...I am very sorry to hear that you are unhappy with how your life is going. It seems to me like no one understands you. I sometimes feel the way you do and when I feel depressed as you do I keep my head up high and tell myself that things can only get better . Seriously tho, cheer up. I know you feel alone and sad but you're still young so enjoy your good years cause you only live once. That doesn't seem right that your foster parents won't help you that much. Just work really hard and try to work on your social skills and personality quirks. Meet new people and make alot of friends. You can never have enough friends! And who knows, good friends can always turn into more. Just remember....a good job, a nice apartment, and an abundance of money are all important things but the most important things in life are the people you care about like friends, family, etc. As long as you have these special people in your life, you will be a rich person and have a reason to live. Trust me when I say that there are people who care about you and somewhere there is some lucky girl destined to be with you...That's the way I think anyway. Try to be an optimist and make the best of what you have despite the obstacles you have had to face. If you do this, your life will be alot happier. Another suggestion for you is to get a pet if you don't already have them. I don't know about you, but I could never live without my dog. O yea one more thing, if you wana talk my email is email removed....I'll be your friend 8)

[AGH]

Sound like you feel very unloved. Maybe your parents didn't make you feel that way. I don't know the answer but if i ever find it i'll let you know. Stay single if you can, you may end up fodder for users else, which will make you feel much worse. good luck

[SympatheticLoner]

Me too...I get angry so often and i just hate my life without a reason. I'm young and i just shouldn't have anything to worry about but i just do. I agree with Goincrazy...pets are the most lovely thing in the world. Whenever i get angry, i "play" with my punching bag, makes me feel so much better.

[jash]

It sounds to me like you are depressed. Not to sound like a dick or anything, but you should consider seeing a doctor. One of the best things that a friend ever did for me was call the police when I told her that I wanted to commit suicide. I was brought to the hospital, and stayed in the mental ward for about a week. While I was there, I learned many things, such as how to deal with problems, that it is very important to think positively, and the greatest thing I learned was that I was not alone. I met some great people there, and although I didn't stay in touch, I still remember their friendship. Seriously, consider seeing a doctor, and never give up hope.