Anyone wants Ex back but not just yet?

[bacci]

I just realised that although I would like to have my ex back I am really using this time to grow and heal and if he came tonight to ask me to move back together, I'd say Sure honey, but not just yet.

I find this experience such a great opportunity for self growth that I don't want to waste any of it.

i have to go back to school in a few months and am feeling like this was a blessing in disguise. I am on my own for the first time in my life and running my life so well that i feel very proud and most of the time I'm happy (when i'm not dwelling on my loss).

I'm not proud of being the one that pushes for a reconciliation though, but funny, when my husband complains he feels that I want him back right now or that i want a promise that we'll get back together. I'd say, No to getting back together right now (at least not living together, seeing each other maybe but not everyday either).

Do i really want us to get back together or do i want a rain check? i would love a promise, a guarantee that we'll try again, later down the road. Am I being honest to myself? Could this be fear?

Am i on my real way to healing? will i be devastated and all my improvements go to hell if he never wants to try again?

anybody can relate?

[mikeca]

I think I know exactly what your going through...although my ex didnt tell me what was the key reasons specifically (not at the same place I got) I know now that it was my career and future. Basically..I'm finding myself again. What do I want to do with my life? I know want my ex girlfriend by my side but I'm going to have to find myself before any of that can happen or else it will just be the same.

 

And Yes I think you too on are the way to healing. I've come along way since NC but still would love to hear her say she wants me back, but thats hope talking because in the end we have to look after ourselves before we can look after anyone else.

[keefy1972]

Bacci your improvements WILL NOT go to hell because you aren't making them for him or to get back with him, RIGHT?

[bacci]

I have space and time to think and make decisions. Now that I only answer to myself I have taken control of my life. I chose a job i liked regardless of whether my husband would approve. I enjoy it and my manager and the owner are very happy with me, big boost on confidence, also the fact that I love it and I'm so good with people, which was a revelation, i am discovering skills I didn't know I had.

I took the time to take mediation and exercise back which have both given me the ability to soothe myself and become aware of my challenges and strenghts.

I have shared physical custody and not having to take care of most of the responsibilities for our children has freed time to nurture myself without feeling guilty. I have been mothering myself and it has helped me heal.

When I felt ready I took myself off a medication that was really bad for me. The doctor resisted somewhat but because of my improvements decided to risk it and it was the right move, now mind is back and I have my cognitive abilities and memory fully restored, I used to rely on my intelligence but the mdeciation made me feel foggy and even though i graduated with honors while on it, I feel I should have stopped it long time ago. All those secondary effects are gone and I feel good. I am still watching myself for a relapse and in touch with the doctor to watch for any sign of recurrence of depression. So far, i'm grieving for my lost relationship but truly able to enjoy other aspects of my new life.

Its because I do get destabilized when I get too close to him that I doubt my self recovery, once we spent the night together (I got scary results on a first mammogram which turned out to be nothing) so I seeked comfort in him. He made love to me to comfort me, I didn't know that was the main reason, i chose not to explore his reasons as I was happy to be held, big mistake, got very confused and back to groundzero.

But I delineated my boundaries again and feel stronger and stronger by the moment.

Also, when my children pray for us to get back together it becomes very tempting to beg him to reconsider and what makes it hard is that he doesn't want to make it final.

I suppose perhaps he is weak too and needs to leave a door open to himself. Tonight reading my own posts I realized that i'm really moving on.

That I will be okay, just by looking at how far i've gotten in such a short period of time. Right now I don't feel like i want to hear from him for a while because it is more peaceful this way, i am tired of obsessing about him and want a little break.

Maybe tomorrow I'll miss him, right now I am seeing his flaws and his contribution to our breaking up, and I know I have changed but who knows if he even thinks he should change at all, and frankly, I don't want who he had become.

So, it seems weird but I am feeling like i really want to move on for good.

No,I'm not changing for him, it's not even like an effort, I've just changed because the circumstances allowed me to change and it is a healthy change I don't want to jeopardize it. i'm a little happy and feel good about myself for the first time in years.

[joyce1412]

Do i really want us to get back together or do i want a rain check? i would love a promise, a guarantee that we'll try again, later down the road. Am I being honest to myself? Could this be fear?

Am i on my real way to healing? will i be devastated and all my improvements go to hell if he never wants to try again?

anybody can relate?

 

i can relate. i was broken up with three weeks ago, and while it's devastating and still shocks me, i feel like i'm impressed with myself--the way i've handled it, the improvements i'm making and have already made. i, too, feel like if he called me tomorrow and wanted me back, my impulse would be to say yes. but i would have to take some time and really think about whether it was right for me, simply because i've re-focused on myself so much in the past few weeks. having a life where i make every decision based on whether it's good for me and me alone is an exotic feeling, but it's great. now i feel like my ex and i would be better for each other sometime down the road--in a few months, years, whatever.

 

i don't think it's dishonesty with yourself or fear that's the case here. i think you're seeing how you're becoming a whole new person, and while you love your husband, you see how important it is to continue your growth. so you want both: to be able to grow alone and build your life for a certain period, and to eventually have your husband back. it's basically the ideal situation, so why wouldn't you desire it?

 

your improvements WILL NOT go to hell. you're living for yourself, doing things for yourself, working hard to make YOUR LIFE better. they have nothing to do with your husband aside from the fact that your breakup has spurred the desire to make them. if you don't get back together, it's not like all the great things you've done for yourself--like that great new job--will disappear. you've started to get in the habit of living for yourself, and the habit will only cement itself. you're not making your life better for your husband, you're making it better for you!

[bacci]

Your post was very reassuring,thank you. I had a bad day yesterday, although not the lowest point I have felt but ridden with a lot of self doubt and not very motivated. I still feel extremely tired (had a sleepless night) and this morning feels restorative. I have to get the kids ready for school, go to work afterwards and I'm not ready emotionally, I just want to go curl back in bed, but I won't, life goes on.

So here I am, fixing lunchboxes and breakfast, going throught the routine, taking care of things. I expect just going through the motions will be followed by the real feeling of being fully there, in control of the situation. Alive, not just an automaton.

I do get PMS so that also has affected me these past two days, and the hormones should start clearing now. I'll feel better again I know, bad decision to stay up all night, I'll work to improve "sleep hygiene habits".

 

Your words are so full of clarity, truth and insights. I agree with your assesment and it feels good that someone else is more or less where I am, that I am not alone in my process.

Thank you for your post, I truly treasure all the advise and support i'm getting. It does help and make a difference. Just a mere week ago I would have called my husband to share my insecurities and get his emotional support, but yesterday I was able to hold back and give us the space we both need, I was able to draw strength and inspiration from other people from this forum. It is invaluable and a very generous act to share our innermost feelings and learning experiences with others, absolute strangers! And I thank you for that, I thank you all.

[joyce1412]

Just a mere week ago I would have called my husband to share my insecurities and get his emotional support, but yesterday I was able to hold back and give us the space we both need, I was able to draw strength and inspiration from other people from this forum.

 

that's great! good for you. you can see that you're making real, tangible progress even now. pretty soon your husband's going to be wistfully thinking, "dang!...she's doing really well." and maybe that's a small consolation, but it seems like you're already beginning to see your strength. keep it up, you might blow yourself away with what you're capable of.

 

finding a good friend who's able to "carry" your emotions also helps a lot. i hope you have someone like this already, or can find a friend to "fill the position."

 

but anyway, be proud of how well you're keeping it together.