I don't know if I can get over him. It feels wrong

[Goldie]

I've been doing so well since my bf dumped me on thursday. I've put on a brave face and gone out and had a good time.

 

But sitting here now I just still feel heartbroken. I truly believed this man was the one.

 

I can't understand why he's suddenly ended it and isn't prepared to work things out. Things were wrong for a long time and I'm hoping that he's just confused and because it's been hard he's forgotten that he loves me and we can make it work.

 

I have been dumped loads of times before and got over them... Knowing that it was wrong.

 

But this time is so hard because it feels wrong ending it.

 

Everyone keeps telling me he wasn't worth it and I can find better. But that's not what my heart feels. What feels right is being with him.

 

If it's meant to be will he come back? Will he realise in a month's time that he still loves me? Do you think all he needed was a bit of space?

 

I am so so torn and really truly believe this man was right for me. I can't let go like people before him. It just doesn't feel right. My heart loves him.

 

What do I do? I'm an absolute mess today xxx

[musicchicus]

Losing someone like that is very hard, I understand totally! But whatever his reasons (and there could be a million of them...) you can't change them. You just have to continue living.

 

A very intelligent person once said to me... Why get over him? Why stop loving him?

 

Of course, I didn't get this...but here's her explanation...

 

You cared for this person, loved this person. Why should you give that up? You don't have to, its yours.

 

But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get out there and get on with your life. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't meet new people and do the things you enjoy and all that.

 

And if he works through his stuff and comes back, then amen. But if not, then at least you have another life to focus on until you hurt less. It will take time, but you will feel better.

 

And, if he truly is the ONE, he'll come back. You just need to give him his time and let him accept that your the one. Give him his space, don't call, move on (as best you can), and see what happens.

 

Peace

[Goldie]

Thank you so much. Everything you've said is spot on.

 

It's just hard isn't it. Telling yourself all these things. People keep saying it's always painful and that I will get over him. I know they're only trying to help. But the truth is I won't ever get over him. We could've been so right together. I'm too old and too wise to know that in my heart I will never let go. But maybe with time I will cope with it better.

 

Every inch of me just wants to learn from this experience and grow more confident and independent again. Learn to love myself on my own and enjoy being single. I know I will reach this point but I will never stop loving him.

 

I also hope so much that he does come to his senses and realise how good we can be. Maybe time and space is all we need.

 

But if he does come back in a month's time or so.. should I really take him back? Essentially after all the heartache would I really want to risk it again?

 

I hope with all my heart he is sat at home now having a long, deep think about it and I hope he's realised he's made a mistake. Maybe he hasn't. Maybe he just doesn't love me. But I just can't believe that at all.

 

We were soulmates at one time. Wish he could just see we could be that again.

 

G xxx

[beckieh]

I know how you feel, I've just recently been through a breakup after 8 years! We were not married but I feel like I'm going through a divorce. I know that things are tough for you right now and believe me, you will have good days and bad days. I have had a few weeks where I've cried everyday at some point. However, I realized this morning I haven't cried for two days straight! My point is, you will have good days and bad days, and you need to give yourself time to heal. It's so hard sometimes but remember, you're not alone. It's definitely important to keep yourself busy and go on with your life. I know it's difficult to get motivated to do anything it seems, but you will feel better if you charge onward and upward. These are the things I keep telling myself - and if it's meant to be you and he will be together in the end. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a crystal ball?! Hang in there and remember that you are not alone!

[Babes]

Goldie I know exacty how you feel. I am going to warn you though. I have been waiting for 6 months. I am pretty sure that he is not coming back.

 

I know this is the last you want to hear because it was the last thing I wanted to hear but you need to be strong. You need to try to heal. Apart of you will always love him. He seemed like a special guy in your life. He will always be apart of you!

 

Just be glad that he was in your life at all

[hshot_rooke]

Hey Goldie and Babe

 

I'm going through the exact same thing as you ladies. My EX GF and I split in January so it's been about 6 months now.

 

I know exactly how you feel Goldie. I'll never be able to let go of her because I know I messed things up and that we could've been the happiest most compatible couple if I hadn't been so stupid, selfish and immature.

 

Babe's right though, my EX isn't ever coming back. In fact, she just moved in with her new boyfriend after 5 months. We were together for 2.5 years.....crazy. I've been hurting for 6 months now and it hurts even more knowing that they are spending every single waking moment together now that they live together.

 

I'll never forgive myself, but everyone's right. Try to do some things to take your mind off of it. It's getting better for me, but I still have things I want to say & express to her and show her how great we could've been together. I'm pretty sure they're in love and I'll probably never get my chance.

[Goldie]

Thanks again for your time.. But I think as we're all going through the same thing I should add one more point.

 

The people we went out with.. Yeah sure, we probably were responsible for the breakdown of the relationship.. but they were too!! In fact, no one person is to blame for a breakup.. No matter who did the dumping.

 

If I'm honest, TOTALLY honest. My boyfriend was a lame ass. That is VERY hard of me to admit because right now I'm not ready to let go and accept we weren't going to work out. I daren't. I'm not ready to cry about any of it yet. So I'll keep this brief.

 

After I moved out of his, I did ALL the legwork and ALL the effort for our relationship. Sure I got jealous! Yeah okay, a little clingy! And hey whilst we're at it.. I stupidly became dependent on him. But if I'm honest, it wasn't all my fault.

 

Try going out with someone who shows no love, doesn't want to talk about 'us' when we need to talk, puts me down a lot without realising he's doing it, treats me like a child and almost makes you feel like he resents being in a relationship.... Then you can understand why the breakup wasn't all my fault. It was fifty bloomin fifty and one of the things my ex boyfriend used to say to me whenever we argued that I was the one who always wanted to argue. That it was all my fault. That it was me to blame.

 

When I moved out of his, it really hurt me and he changed. He became very distant and very cold and I became very insecure because of all this. He was a bastard.. If I'm allowed to say that. And, for example, when my friend asked HIM about ME and an argument we'd had.. HE said 'Don't worry, she hasn't been herself for a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

 

What??? No 'Don't come to me and talk to me about my girlfriend that way.. She's lovely and was probably tired or something'

 

Well, excuse me mister.. I am NOT to blame for everything and I am NOT a f**k up. I am a warm, generous, kind and giving person who has got tons of love to give to someone who enjoys my company, who makes me feel good about myself, who wants to be with me and who would be there for me. Someone who enjoys just me.

 

That's all I ever wanted x

[hshot_rooke]

Wow, I know where you're coming from Goldie.

 

The description of your EX fits me actually. I didn't realize I was doing a lot of those things until after we broke up and then I found out that it was me who was to blame.

 

I too thought that my EX was too clingy and wanted so much of my time that I wanted more time to myself. Being selfish for my own time and not giving that time to her and not compromising with her was one of the big reasons that she doesn't want to try again. Along with the fact that she's very into her new BF.

 

I neglected her, never showed her what I really am like....

Didn't want to spend enough time with her family and friends. Didn't take her out on the town all the time....putting her down occasionally.

 

Basically almost everything that you mentioned.

 

I realize now all the mistakes that I made, but it really is too late.

It makes me even more depressed knowing that she probably thinks the same way you do Goldie. I want to show her all the love and respect that she showed me because I've realized all my mistakes. I would've given her the best life.

 

It's sad that he doesn't realize his own mistakes. You are probably better off. I say probably because I want to believe that there is still hope for myself and my EX. There's so much pain that I Inflicted that I want to make it up to her for the rest of my life, but I know that's pretty much no possibility of it.

 

It sucks because you shouldn't live your life with any regrets, but I know I'll regret this for the rest of my life.

 

Was this his first relationship? I'm asking because my EX was my first relationship, and I truly believe I didn't have the experience of how to treat a woman as good as her. I didn't know any better....I didn't know how selfish I was being.

[Goldie]

No it wasn't his first relationship. I was one of many many women. He was 29 and I was 24. But he hadn't asked anyone out like he did with me and his friends said they'd never seen him with a girlfriend... And all told me how much he loved me.

 

The thing that tore us apart was the fact that I didn't believe he loved me and was convinced he was going to hurt me.

 

So I pushed him away but my insecurities did partly come from the way he used to treat me.

 

Don't feel guilty. Just learn from your mistakes and the next time someone comes along make sure you don't repeat them. That's what I plan to do.

 

I feel a lot of emotions at the moment and the one I was going through last night was anger. You and my ex aren't really all that bad. I guess she didn't want to go back out with you because you hurt her and she probably doesn't want to go through that again.

 

I don't understand my ex. I am attractive, intelligent, have a whole career ahead of me and I'm caring, warm, funny and sensitive. I go out of my way to make him happy. I loved him with all my heart. I would stroke his back to sleep at night and always be there for him.

 

Do you really think that in a month's time when he thinks back or sees me, he will feel like you do? Wanting me back? Is something like this sometimes what it takes to make a man realise? Do they have to see what it's like without their partner before they realise what they had?

 

I'm sounding pathetic I know. But I really hope in a month's time he turns around and asks me back. When he was ending it he said he wasn't 100 per cent sure about ending it. He was so scared of dumping me in case in a month's time he realised he loves me. What the hell is that all about?

 

I told him it was unfair to keep me hanging on so he ended it. He did sound very upset.

 

The whole point of it is that we were having so many stressful arguments and fallouts it really got to him and he just shut himself off from me. Maybe with a little time he'll see we really could be good together.

 

Oh I dunno. It's hard. G xxx

[nerak76]

I just wanted to add some input and say to Goldie you are not alone. I am going through a break up now. The guy I dated for a few months out of nowhere ended the relationship with me. Out of all days he ended it the day we came back from my family vacation. Many times that night I heard him say I don't know. All I can say is what doesn't he know. He says his feelings changed for about 2-3 weeks and didn't want to end the relationship but something triggered him that night. He said he led me on to making me think he loved me and wanted this relationship to work. I was left heartbroken. Right away I did seek help from someone qualified. Right now I am in the anger stage. Where I go around saying how much I hate him. I want him back and sometimes hope he comes back around but I know I can't get my hopes up. He was a sweetheart at first and appeared to be as sweet as ever on vacation. I don't know what happened. I am told there are different stages but the best thing to do is deal with the stages now of shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally the stage of understanding and acceptance. I know I have a long way to go but I see myself in between a stage of anger and depression. It took about a week and a half to get out of the shock and denial stage and anger kicked in. But I have to remember in my anger not to act out in this anger stage. Because of the fact that this guy lives two minutes by car from me and goes to the same church as me. It frustrates me.