Don't know what to think

[The Milkybar Kid]

Hi there. I know it's pretty selfish, making my first message on this site one where I'm looking for help, not giving it – but maybe it's just hard to imagine the extent of others' hurt, until we feel something similar ourselves. I don't know, but this certainly won't be my last post to this board; I'll offer whatever help I can to people who need it – but at the moment, I'm looking for someone to help me…

 

During the past four months, I've been dating a girl I've been crazy about. I couldn't imagine a person I'd rather spend my time with – let alone, actually know – and the fact that I had the luck of finding her, seemed just incredible to me. For that reason, I suppose, I've been focussing so much of my energy into keeping things good between us, for the fear of being without her. I think, at times, I've been too sensitive to the way she acts, and sometimes my mind would run off with the spark of an idea that I'd be doing something wrong, and it'd bug me, and then – if it came to the surface – it was like I was hurting her more, in my efforts not to.

Anyway, that's happened on and off for a while, but more recently, I'd been getting the impression that she wasn't really bothered about seeing me – I mean, she would, but it was only me making arrangements. And, much as I didn't want to think about it, she didn't really seem to be enjoying our time together, anymore. I was trying to think of things she'd prefer doing, so she'd not be so easily bored – but I came to realise, that they were only really distractions from me, from time for us to talk, and I knew that wasn't right. Telling her what I saw – that I wasn't as important an element in her life as I'd once been – has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I'd put it off for some time, but a couple of days ago, it got to the point where she actually seemed pretty inconsiderate towards me – something not a part of the girl I fell in love with. So… slowly and messily, it came out. She's the most difficult person to say something negative to, because she's always so kind to everyone, and I do love who she is – only, I couldn't understand why she'd turned the way she had on me. It's almost been like, my love for her has seemed so unconditional, that it wouldn't matter how she acted with me. I mean, why would it matter, if I was always going to be there for her?

This wasn't my real problem, though; I couldn't bear to be with her, if I wasn't doing anything to make her happy. That's the real reason people go into relationships, isn't it – to make each other happy? If I wasn't doing that for her any more, I didn't want to be with her, wasting her time.

Maybe this is where it seems to get strange: I maybe don't understand it, but I don't love her any less for the way she acted; I love her for who she is. And maybe, if I'd acted more like a real person towards her, I wouldn't have evoked the reaction she gave me.

Anyway, that's the position I realised we were in, however we got there. At first, when I started to talk to her, it was hard to convince her. She said things like, "It's just as hard for me to believe how you could love me as much as I do you, as well. I guess we'll just have to trust each other", and that made it much harder. I had to say that, from the way she acted, she didn't really give me the impression that she was happy to be with me, each word cutting my mouth, as it came out. But, I told her that I wasn't going to seal things if she disagreed with what I thought, and I said she should take some time to think about everything.

We met up among friends, that evening – yesterday – and unsurprisingly, didn't have much time to talk. In the short time we had alone, she said "I don't want us to split-up", but didn't really address what had bothered me. Once we went home, we met-up online and talked for hours. It was hard. I could tell that she was beginning to see what I saw, and agree. By the time she said, "I guess I haven't really been getting much out of it, lately", the reality of everything sank-in. I think I'd turned myself numb to what was actually happening, to allow myself to talk to her about it, but when I thought of actually being without her, it really hurt.

We concluded that we couldn't really decide what to do at the time; I'd bombarded he with so much that day, I don't think she had long to work out what she really felt - and I couldn't process her reaction. So, she suggested that we take a break from each other for a few days, allow time for us to figure out where we really are. And that's where I am now. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I'm so scared that I was right about what I saw, and I'd be surprised if she said anything but "You're right", when we next talk. One thing I can't get out of mind though, is how we left each other last night. Abruptly, she said, "Jeez, I can't believe this is happening", but I guess it's just from the immediatey of everything. When I left, I said, "For what it's worth, I do love you.", and she replied, "I know and I love you loads back." I just can't help but think that there's something very wrong with that. Why is it happening? Why do I love her, and why are we breaking up?

I'm sorry that this post has been so long, but I felt it important to explain what came before. I guess I'm just hoping that someone can advise me what to think. I just don't know where to look to make me feel better. Am I doing the right thing? When I meet up with her, should I be saying, "Well, it looks like we shouldn't be together – the pain isn't worth the good times", or "I think we should try again, start anew; this has been too incredible to just give up on"? But maybe I won't have that option.

 

I just need help. Thank you, in advance.

 

Adam.

[musicchicus]

Hey Adam,

 

First of all, don't worry about your first post being for help. That's generally why people come here, for help. And then they find so much help and others points of view and grow from their experiences...that they stay to help others. So, don't worry about it.

 

Seondly, I'm guessing from your post that you are relatively young...unfortunate, because you seem like a caring, sweet, wonderful person. The kind of person I, and most of us women, want to be with!

 

Thirdly, in regard to the girl, again I am assuming she is around your age.

 

Could be she is just beginning to learn about this dating/realtionship thing and doesn't really know what she wants right now. Perhaps she is just dealing with too many other things in her life right now and just can't focus on the easiest, more comfortable, stable thing in her life...you.

 

There are lots of reasons she could have for being standoffish like she is...and I'm sorry to say that you can not change that, regardless of what it is.

 

My suggestion to you is to stay in contact with her and continue to give her your support and love and all that...but also, and I REALLY understand how hard this is...move on, too. (Don't give her up, but don't pressure or beg her or anything).

 

What I mean is this...if she sees you being the happy, sweet, wonderful person she first fell for...she will begin to miss you. Especially if you take your kindness and such and share it with another girl...jealousy is powerful. Now, don't get me wrong...don't flaunt it or push it in her face. But just conveniently show her that as much as you love her...your life will go on...and if she doesn't take advantage of you soon...you may find someone else who is willing too!!

 

Most of all, just keep being the sweet guy you seem to be and even if this relationship doesn't work (which I truly hope it does)...there are billions of girls out there WAITING and BEGGING for their opportunity to be cared for by you!

 

Best of luck!

[tell_my_friends_im_dead]

I feel for you Adam. I agree with the previous reply. If you really do "love" this girl, then you're gonna want to keep her in your life even if it can't be as your g/f. I know that sounds hard... because it is.

 

Like musicchicus said, jealousy is a powerful thing ... you will most likely be even more jealous if she goes with another guy than if you get another girl. A few times in my past it has seemed easier to just push the friendship away if the dating part of the relationship disappears. But it sounds like you have such a good relationship with this girl that you're gonna want to be her friend no matter what.

 

I think the ONLY thing that has ever helped situations like this in my life is time. Time will tell you if maybe you don't love her as much as you think. Time will let her know if she misses you from her life enough to work things out. And if you do break up, time will eventually (not easilly) heal your wounded heart.

 

You sound prepared for the worst, which is exactly what I would do. I also think it's good that you addressed this issue with her now before more time goes by to make things even harder. Now it's just waiting to see what happens .... Best of luck, I hope everything works out best for both of you ... but don't worry, plenty of fish in the sea even if things get sour.

 

Remember, even though it's raining a little sunshine can bring a rainbow!

 

Bobby

[The Milkybar Kid]

Music Chic and Bobby, thank you. You really helped take the edge of the pain - even if I don't believe all of it...

 

I think it might be the best part of a week, before we talk again, and I'm still trying to think of what to say to her, to conclude things. I guess, it wouldn't be such a difficult thing to end the relationship, if it hadn't been so great, initially. It's a shame that it turned, whatever the reason, i guess i should be happy in what came before. I think I'm going to have to hold onto that, for now. I'll post again to let you know what happened.

 

Thank you so much, again - you guys are great

 

Adam.